Oh wow, what an odd week this has been. Trepidation and deregulation have burdened my mind with troublesome thoughts, causing me to suspend life and live apprehensively, awaiting some unforeseen dreadful event. The sensation lies deep in my thoracic cavity, somewhere between my heart and soul, like a boil ready to burst and spread its nasty disease to all unlucky enough to be nearby.
My family are worried, heck my WISE MIND is worried too, but at both ends of the pole, the two destructive EMOTION/RATIONAL MINDS are at war. Devoid of emotion my RATIONALITY states that “all is lost, there is no hope, no-one wants you around, and no-one even likes, let alone loves your fat ass!” With that spurring it on, my EMOTIONS are loaded to attack and pounce on an opportunity to destroy myself with all the vigor and drive needed to succeed. So what’s stopping me?
My exhaustion is. I have barely made it out of bed all week, too afraid to even go to the kitchen or bathroom for fear that something will happen, afraid of others and ashamed that they might see me this way. Surface to say, food is not high on my agenda. I haven’t eaten a real meal for days, and I am scared at the all too familiar glory I feel from my hunger pains. “Success!” whispers my ED in a snaky slighter of a voice! “Keep it up and soon you won’t feel anything except thinness and happiness!”
As long as I can stop myself from binging I think I will be ok, just until I see my Consultant on Monday and therapist then too. Just have to keep myself safe and out of the kitchen, away from temptation. Restricting is less destructive for me than binging and purging.
The dose of Prozac (20mg) makes me nauseas anyway so eating is not all that appealing to me right now, Add the intense anxiety I feel and a weak stomach is an understatement. Food repulses me at the moment. Long may it last!