Progress

I get little fits of 'energy' from time to time. They scare me, yet paradoxically they motivate me into productivity. Its like I realize that; all too soon I could be back in the familiar haze of depression, so in a fury of energy, I have to take full advantage of any brief respite from the emotional hell when it comes. 

Yesterday the two girls I lived with moved out. They were students and had finished their exams, so have now moved home for the summer. For at least the next three months it is just me and the landlady living together in my house. I like it this way. I really do not enjoy living and sharing my space with other people, yet financially I have little other option. Call me anti-social, I don't mind. I agree!Anyway, back to the topic at hand; It gave me a perfect opportunity to give the kitchen well over due clean. As you can imagine; cleaning is not high on any students agenda. The place was festering with months old grit and grim. 

The most outstanding part to this idea was not that I found the motivation to clean, no. It was that I wanted to clean it for me, not anybody else, so that I would have a nice comforting environment to live in. When I realized this, I sort of stopped in my tracks. I can't remember the last time I was this kind to myself, this compassionate. I see it as progress, I really do. I know from previous 'healthy' periods in my life, that when I take pride in my own choices and in my environment that I am doing well. I am living for myself again now, heck, I want to live! That's a big difference from a mere month ago...

With regards to DBT, I can most certainly see a noted improvement of late also. There are so many things I know have contributed to this bout of wellness, all of which I feel have been needed in conjunction with each other rather than in isolation.This includes my very successful treatment stint in the Center For Living, also I am now attending OA regularly and have started eating and sticking to a food plan daily, my sleep has vastly improved due to a more structured routine, and I am volunteering twice weekly and meeting new interesting people and most importantly I am making friends and family a priority again, I am resisting the urge to isolate. I have reduced my vulnerability factors drastically by really concentrating on PLEASE. By doing this I am giving myself an opportunity to have happy, or 'normal' life, or if we go all Marsha on it 'a life worth living'.

That is not to say that all is peachy all of the time. I had a good chance to practice self soothe only hours ago. I was at a public lecture tonight in a private hospital here in Dublin. The same hospital where I spent five very unwell months two years ago, and where I received my  BPD diagnosis. Even though I loved the security this hospital offered me from reality, the 'bubble' effect I like to call it, I also have very negative memories of the treatment I received there.

One incident in particular involved the very Doctor who was giving the lecture tonight. He was not my Consultant, but he was on call for the night in question when I became very dysregulated. I had not yet received a formal diagnosis at this stage and had no idea what was going on with my emotions. I thought I was a horrible person, my self worth was nonexistent and I was seriously contemplating ending my life. Now, obviously being in hospital, this wasn't really a viable option and thankfully I at least had the sense to express my thoughts to the nurse on duty. 

Little to my knowledge at that time, the formal protocol for suicidal initiation during the night is to page the on call Consultant. I got the addiction specialist, who, in my opinion didn't know any more what to do with a Borderline any more than a man does with a bottle of moisturizer. 

In retrospect, all I needed was to talk, to distract, to be thought distress tolerance. Simple as. But instead I got put in the high security ward as I was a potential danger to myself. I cried and shouted and pleaded and begged, until this Doctor was left with no other option than to sedate me, and turn me into a deserving zombie. I fitted right in on that ward then. 

I was so angry at him. I felt let down by him. All I wanted to do was get relief from the hell going on inside my mind. I needed someone to explain what was happening to me. I needed validation that at that time suicide was the only coping method I possessed. 

So to get back to the present moment, I was taken aback when  this Dr strolled up to the podium and began talking. I had no idea he would be speaking. I got flashback of me, the bawling, screaming mess sitting in-front of him as he sent me 'down stairs'. Down to where the real crazies were.

 I wanted to yell at him "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME!" "DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW WRONG YOUR TREATMENT PLAN FOR ME WAS!!!!!" "STUPID IDIOT!"  I sat stewing in my anger for at least 15 mins. I couldn't take in a word of the lecture. 

Then suddenly, my WISE MIND kicked in. "He was only following procedure, he was doing his job. He didn't know the correct way to deal with an emotionally sensitive person. He was making sure I was safe. " 

My anger started to decrease slightly. I then reminded myself that I was not under his care and that I had a wonderfully supportive treatment team who specializes in treating BPD. I used OBSERVE to bring myself back into the present moment and really paid attention to what he was saying, letting all judgement flow through me. I then took out my hand cream from my DBT emergency kit and soothed myself back into calmness by gently massaging the cream into my skin. 

It was only on the bus on the way home that I reflected on my fantastically skillful evening. Who would have thought that the quivering wreck of a girl in that ward nearly 2 years ago would be able to mange her emotions in a such a skillful way! I really wanted to go up to the Consultant after the lecture, to show him how far I have come. I imagined the wonder and pride on his face and hoped he would feel humbled by my progress. Maybe I even wanted an apology from him. But once again my wise mind took the driving wheel and stirred me away from confrontation by asking what I really wanted from him.

I wanted validation and I know well enough now that looking for it from others is not as reliable as giving it to yourself. So one blog post and a very skilled evening later, here I am patting myself on the back, and forgiving myself for the chaos I created that faithful night 2 years ago. I didn't know any other way to manage my emotions. Thank God I do now. 

'I Shall Go To The Ball' OPPOSITE ACTION To Fear

 I am sitting here waiting, wishing for the moments to pass more slowly. Dreaded time has caught me by surprise this morning, dragging me into a place I would rather run and hide from. Yes tonight is the night that I have been both looking forward to yet silently wishing would never come. I admittedly have not been listening to my emotions about this event. If I am honest, I have not observed the suffocating sensation in my neck, or how hard it has been to catch my breath between the shallow gasps.

I am in full blown distress mode this morning. I feel titteringly close to losing control once again. So I must turn to DBT skills to quell my EMOTION MIND and find the calm which accompanies WISE MIND.

Firstly I can recognize that my fear is disproportionate to the situation. Yes OK, I acknowledge that it is out of my safe place. A formal ball with hundreds of new unfamiliar people is not going to be comfortable, but it will not harm me in anyway. With this in mind, the obvious skill to use is OPPOSITE TO EMOTION ACTION. For it to work, I must go ALL THE WAY with this skill to distinguish the fear and snuff out the flame of panic

Sometimes in order to change how we feel we have to act opposite to how our emotions are telling us to act.  With anxiety, instead of running from the feared circumstance, we need to approach and engage in it.

Acting opposite to how you’re feeling only works when:

• The fear is not justified.  Fear is justified when a situation is a threat to your life, health, or well being.
• You do opposite action all the way. Not just by acting opposite to how you’re feeling, but also by thinking opposite to how you’re feeling.

PROCESS OF OPPOSITE ACTION

Figure out your emotion

Figure out what action goes with that emotion.

Ask yourself ‘do I want to reduce this emotion?’

Figure out what the opposite action is.

Do the opposite action all the way.

So I will firstly decide to go and follow through with that plan. I will fix my tan, go to the hairdressers and get my make-up done. I will dress up and make sure I feel as confident as I can before I go. Once I get there it is really important that I continue to be present, and stay in the skills mindset. I will use HALF SMILE to center my nerves and help accept that it is a difficult night for me. I must make sure that both my body and mind are at the party, so no hiding in the bathroom or keeping quite. I will make small talk and remember to breath!

Wish me luck!

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Emotional reactions in BPD

What are the hard and fast rules of dealing with emotional turmoil? Please. Please! Someone give me the magic cure-all, the answer, or at least a hint. It’s defeating having to pull myself out of the horned brambles every time I crash down where others merely trip, stumble and get on with their day.

I have come across a greatly validating Blog of late written by a very talented and truly compassionate therapist; Karyn Hall. She is the founder of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Center in Houston and writes for Psych Central Blogs. Her Blog, The Emotionally Sensitive Person is a wonderfully corroborate part of the web for anyone suffering with intense emotions. While reading a recent post of hers I realized that I live in a world filled with heightened emotional responses to everyday life and as of yet I am totally at their peril. I am afraid of my emotions.

This is what I find hardest about my disorder. Everything affects me to extremes, and the extremes are where my ‘crazy’ comes out. Yes, I am that girl who falls hard and fast for the boy who is nice to her just once, the girl who takes the contrastive criticism to heart, the one who fails to see the room for improvement and thinks she has failed completely when she doesn’t achieve a perfect score on a test, she lets her sadness pour over the good things in life.

My heart breaks when I see a homeless person and I say a little prayer that their luck will turn around someday and they won’t have to live in the cold anymore. My eyes fill with tears at the pictures of sick children in third world countries. I am rattled with guilt that I am on social welfare when there are others out there who have not had such a fortunate life as me. I am ashamed that there are cancer patients dying, not out of choice, who would give anything for just one more year of life, while I spend an unhealthy amount of time planning and researching my own suicide. I am guilty as hell about the loss of my twin babies during pregnancy due to my illness, while other women would give their left arm for the opportunity I had and let slip away because of my eating disorder.

I got upset today; I had to gulp back big overwhelming silent sobs because of the guilt I felt as I walked past a shivering homeless man on the way to Starbucks. It put my problems in perspective; at least I have a warm bed at night, and the ability to provide for myself a safe environment in which to live.

Prozac Mind

Oh wow, what an odd week this has been. Trepidation and deregulation have burdened my mind with troublesome thoughts, causing me to suspend life and live apprehensively, awaiting some unforeseen dreadful event. The sensation lies deep in my thoracic cavity, somewhere between my heart and soul, like a boil ready to burst and spread its nasty disease to all unlucky enough to be nearby. 

My family are worried, heck my WISE MIND is worried too, but at both ends of the pole, the two destructive EMOTION/RATIONAL MINDS are at war. Devoid of emotion my RATIONALITY states that “all is lost, there is no hope, no-one wants you around, and no-one even likes, let alone loves your fat ass!” With that spurring it on, my EMOTIONS are loaded to attack and pounce on an opportunity to destroy myself with all the vigor and drive needed to succeed. So what’s stopping me? 

My exhaustion is. I have barely made it out of bed all week, too afraid to even go to the kitchen or bathroom for fear that something will happen, afraid of others and ashamed that they might see me this way. Surface to say, food is not high on my agenda. I haven’t eaten a real meal for days, and I am scared at the all too familiar glory I feel from my hunger pains. “Success!” whispers my ED in a snaky slighter of a voice! “Keep it up and soon you won’t feel anything except thinness and happiness!”

As long as I can stop myself from binging I think I will be ok, just until I see my Consultant on Monday and therapist then too. Just have to keep myself safe and out of the kitchen, away from temptation. Restricting is less destructive for me than binging and purging.

The dose of Prozac (20mg) makes me nauseas anyway so eating is not all that appealing to me right now, Add the intense anxiety I feel and a weak stomach is an understatement. Food repulses me at the moment. Long may it last!

Beautiful Suicide **Trigger**

I want a beautiful suicide
Where the night skies are dark
And the stars shine brightly
Yes tonight I’ll make my mark

I want a beautiful suicide
With a knife next to me
Alone in a room
How good will this be

I want I beautiful suicide
I’d already planned
Alone in silence
Nothing could be more grand

I want a beautiful suicide
I’ll have to no longer life this life
No hurt or pain
All it takes is a knife

Do I want a beautiful suicide?
I don’t think I could die
Come to think of it
It’ll make others cry

I don't want a beautiful suicide
I’ll no longer commit
I’ll just mend what’s wrong
That was stupid I admit

Emotional Pain

Some emotional pain will leave us with time. Some will leave if we decide to let it go. There are times, though, when we must live with emotional pain; either because we haven't had sufficient time to heal or because we are not able, willing, and/or ready to let it go.

There is fresh emotional pain, and there is the variety that lingers in varying degrees (sometimes in the form of emotional scarring but sometimes simply in the form of persistent inability to feel truly happy).

My approach to fresh emotional pain has always been to aim to take as much a break from it as possible. In other words, to give our mind a rest. One might ask how much help this apparent attempt to, at least temporarily, escape emotional pain might be. After all, after taking that "break" from it we always find it is still there.

Actually, however, "giving our minds a rest" from it (even for short periods of time, and even though it will remain) does help. When we are in pain we are essentially "operating under the influence" of a brain/body chemistry that, at best, makes us feel numb and, at worst, can have negative effects simply by virtue of our remaining in a "negative mode" for too long. No matter how awful our pain is, if there is some way to take that little break from it, it gives us a chance to at least some of the negative "chemicals" affecting us. Getting out and having a nice, pleasant, talk with a friend will change our chemistry, at least to some degree. So will having a good laugh. Even the smallest breaks away from thinking about the emotional pain can add up to more time spent each day, with at least a little more "positive" influence in terms of our chemistry. The more time positive time we're able to "patch together" for ourselves, the better (when it comes to giving our pained minds a little more chance to rest and heal). Even the most seemingly insignificant positive feelings/experiences can play a role in nurturing our "emotional energy" and contributing to the eventual re-building of a more normal level of it.

Based on my personal experience, I've found that when there have been those times when a lot of significant sadness takes place over a period of time, particularly when joyful (or even pleasant) experiences don't come anywhere near to matching the amount of sadness; it can feel as if our minds our filled with nothing but grayness. If we begin to have pleasant or happy experiences we may notice that they seem to "move in and displace (or at least "push to the back of our mind) some of the gray". If we don't find enough of those (even small) pleasant/happy experiences it can seem as if the gray feelings in our mind continue to dominate our thoughts/feelings, even if that grayness seems to grow stale and "harden". So, as with fresh emotional pain, the first step at feeling at least somewhat better when we have "older" emotional pain can be to seek out those pleasant, "emotional-energy-nurturing", experiences. This is, of course, not a quick way to feel completely better or to end all the emotional pain. 

The immediate, and small, help of finding a way to get our mind off the pain can offer that short-term, helpful, break from it. Without seeking out those small joys in life, however, just taking a break is not usually enough to facilitate any "healing".

Each individual has his own set of things that contribute to that feeling of having one's "soul nurtured". For many it is a certain kind of music. Fresh air, pleasant social experiences, aroma therapy, exercise, or any number of other things in life can contribute to a sense of feeling a little better in spite of it all.

Such an approach to emotional pain can seem absurdly over-simplified, and it's important to point out that such an approach is not, by any means, a magic cure. People who feel their emotional pain is simply too much to deal with often benefit from seeking professional help, although we live in a time when professional help is often a matter of prescribing anti-depressants. I, personally, have known several people who sought professional help and tried medications for a while, only to discover they didn't seem to help.

Sometimes, "un-magic" and slow as it is, learning to find those things that help us find some small, pleasant, experiences/thoughts helps us to develop better coping skills; and, when all is said and done, developing good coping skills is sometimes the thing that makes the difference between emotional pain that is awful and emotional pain that is just unbearable.