As some readers of this blog may know, I am currently in therapy. More specifically, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I am almost four months into it now and have covered three of the four modules which are; mindfulness, emotion regulation and distress tolerance. We will be moving on to interpersonal effectiveness next week. Just in time for the silly season too! And thank goodness, because Christmas tests everyone's ability (not just the emotional unstable's) to relate effectively to others.
After a particularly bad week, regarding ability to think, behave and generally function at reasonable level, I plonked myself down in my individual therapist's chair, ready to blow off steam and I suppose, get some sympathy for my shit week. As always, I tentatively handed over the diary card (a tedious twice daily exercise with which I have a particularly Black/White relationship). I hate this part, detest it even. I find it so cringe-worthy, and shameful letting someone else know my most private and secretive behaviors urges and actions.
Anyway, so what I wanted was someone to validate how shit I was doing. And don't get me wrong, my therapist obviously was paying attention during that part of training, because she is an expert at making me feel like I have a right to feel the way I do. Yet she also knows how to push the boat when it comes to pulling the dialectic of change just a tad too hard for for my liking.
She used the words 'you have the ability to evoke a nurturing response from people when you are upset'. Oh lordly, what a thing to say to a borderline. My head went into a spin of judgments about myself, about her... the running commentary was a bit like this; 'what does she mean evoke a response!' 'Does she think I am a needy bitch who wants attention all the time?' ' She thinks I am faking, doesn't she!' 'She must think I want to feel this shit so others feel sorry for me' 'How dare she!' 'She is sick of me' 'She is going to kick me out of therapy' 'She hates me' 'I hate her!'and so on and so forth!
Thing is... on reflection, she's right. I love to feel like someone cares about me, that someone thinks and feels for me. I find myself thinking does she think about me in-between sessions? Have I made an impact on someone? Will they remember me?
So I guess the point of this post is to reflect on the point she brought up about needing to feel cared for. Its something that I am now aware of that could be problematic for me. I rely on the feedback from others that I am deserving of nurture and care, but shouldn't I really be fostering that for myself, and convincing myself that I don't need external ques of love and affection to feel validated? The answer is clear. Yes. but how to go about doing it? I haven't the foggyist!
