OBSERVING the Christmas Challenge

Blogging for wellness - Advent Calender - Christmas Countdown - December 1st

A dear friend Tracey Weldon came up with this blogging idea, where for every day of advent, I will post about ways to manage and enjoy Christmas without letting an emotional vulnerability cause a crisis or unnecessary suffering.

This way of blogging is a little bit different from my normal manner of expressing myself. But I need to challenge myself into action. I am setting challenges in my recovery and in my hobbies and now, this here is another fun challenge to help ease the stressful anticipation of Christmas.

I have had a few years of having to learn to manage coping with the Christmas run-up, the actual event and the after mass. It's like walking on a tight rope full of obtsicules such as family gatherings, trigger foods, flash backs, over-stimulation, financial worries.....Yet the view from up there while you are balanced on the rope is wonderful. Yes its hard, and really challenging, but the key is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Stay focused on the moment your are in right now. It a balancing act of vulnerabilities and happy times.

The dialectic here is that yes Christmas can be hard, but at the same time it can be a really nice time. When you allow yourself to feel and process the distress that Christmas may evoke, you make room for POSITIVE EXPERIENCES and new happy memories to be created. 

The MINDFULNESS skill OBSERVE is really vital here. You can't just by-pass the negative emotions, you need to feel them, and deal with them. Trust me, I have spent so much time running away from my emotions, wishing so hard that they would just go away entirely,  but that is not reality. 

Check in with yourself regularly over the next 24 days, be kind and compassionate to how hard this time of year can be for everyone, not just those with an emotional vulnerability. Just don't forget that the holidays can also be full of beautiful moments, look out for those too. Its all part of creating a LIFE WORTH LIVING.

Pros & Cons of Tolerating Distress

I will keep this short. I have been putting off doing this for so long. It's fairly self explanatory in it's title, but the problems lies in ACTUALLY doing it. I have been avoiding doing this for my target behaviors for months now, so here it goes! I am only able to do one for the moment, but I have five behaviors I need to do this for!

Target behavior #1 - Binging. 

Resisting binge.

• PROS:

1. Feeling of accomplishment over skill use.
2. Saves money.
3. Healthier body and mind.
4. I eat to give myself MORE energy. When I become too full, I LOSE that energized feeling.
5. I might be able to change my state of mind and continue my life normally without putting on excess weight
6. I will learn to experience the distress and deal with it in time.
7. Feeling of self control.

• CONS:

1. I will feel the emotion I want to avoid. I wouldn't feel the 'food high'
2. I will be irritable.
3. I will feel deprived.

Giving into urge to binge.

• PROS

1. Instant relaxation.
2. Comforted.
3. Get medical attention
4. Escape emotional suffering momentary.

• CONS

1. Will trigger an urge to purge.
2. Waste of food/money.
3. Weight gain.
4. Self hatred
5. Only hurts me, pain, digestive issues.
6. Does not solve problem

Target behavior #2 - Purging


Resisting purge.

• PROS

1. Will keep the nourishment from the food.
2. Will learn to deal and manage 'full' feeling.
3. Will give myself a chance to use DBT skills.

• CONS

1. I will feel very high anxiety.
2. I will feel dirty, lazy, ugly, fat.
3. I will have to sit with the distress, and feel all the food in my stomach.

Giving into urge to purge.

• PROS

1. Get 'rid' of food and not gain weight.
2. It is a quick and easy way to get the food out.
3. I feel in control.
4. I know my stomach is empty.
5. Its a way to punish myself for negative thoughts/behavior.

• CONS

1. Will damage teeth.
2. Does not get rid of all of the calories.
3. Makes me feel week from dehydration.
4. Dizziness and headaches.
5. Heart palpitations.
6. Gives me spots, dry skin and causes my hair to fall out.
7. Sleep issues.
8. After a few days - swelling in legs
9. Constipation.
10. Reduced appetite which will lead to further foody behavior 

Impermanence - Finding the Dialectic of Emotion

Nothing is permanent. The goodness in life passes in the same way the bad periods slithers by or sticks to our awareness. Positive emotions and experiences leaves a good taste long lingering in my mouth, but it can be rudely interrupted and all too quickly be contaminated by the next onslaught of pessimism. 

I swing widely between the poles of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ judgement, rarely receiving the respite which a balanced, middle ground provides. Take for example the last 24 hours. This time yesterday I was curled up in bed, steeped in self pity. I felt so ashamed and selfish wasting a whole day doing nothing to help make me feel better. I knew I needed to do the housework, go food shopping, have a shower, go for a walk, meet some friends, go to mass, send emails ….. the list went on and on. I was feeding my negative emotion and allowing it to gain nourishment from each moment spent lying in that bed. I was down in the depths of my emotional rating, and I honestly thought that I was the biggest failure on the planet that I should just give up on life and that nobody would care if I was gone. 

Then I wake up today, still feeling the hangover of negativity surround my aura. I dragged myself to an interview for some potential writing experience with a local newsletter. It took every morsel of energy to find the motivation. It was raining, ‘typical’ I thought. I missed the Bus; I was convinced it was a sign. I didn’t have the full address; I should just give up, it’s not going to work out anyway. It really was a miracle I got there in the end. I hadn’t even researched the organisation, certain that it would be a waste of time as I would never get the job. 

If I look back and evaluate the emotion I was experiencing, I was really nervous. Fear wanted me to run home and hide away, to avoid, sabotaging any chance at a life worth living. But being the suborn mule that I can be sometimes, and because I had told some people about the interview, I felt I must go, even if to say I went. 

I actually found the place with relative ease, and was greeted by two lovely ladies who seemed interested in me and appreciative of what I could potentially bring to the organisation. We brainstormed ideas and I felt excitement build up in my tummy. The more I talked to the two lovely ladies there, the more confident I felt in my abilities. I could really do this. They really do like my ideas. To my delight, they asked me to contribute to the June issue and gave me a deadline for submission next week. 

Walking towards the bus stop I felt elated with happiness. I felt like I had overcome the fear which stops me from doing so much in my life, like I had climbed a personal mountain. I was propelled into a heightened state of positive emotion, a world away from the foul mood I had been in only hours before. I grinned childless to the bus driver and sent a barrage of texts and emails to friends and family bombarding them with my good news. 

Now that the initial exhilaration of this morning’s achievement had subsided slightly, and I am not so ruled by my emotional instability, I can see how exhausting this yo-yoing of emotion is to my emotional stamina. If I try hard to be dialectical in my thinking about today’s events, taking into account the importance of living in the moment, I guess the middle ground might be as follows; 

I spent the day resting in bed yesterday, even though I had a lot to do. By doing this I was reminded that staying in bed all day negatively affects my mood. I do need to lie in sometimes, but next time I might only rest for the morning, and get some tasks done in the afternoon. I allowed my bad mood to continue into today. Each day is a new page in my life. I can start afresh if I do not hold onto the past. It was a great achievement to obtain the job this morning. Congratulate yourself. Now move on to concentrating on the rest of today’s tasks. 

I aim for this balanced way of thinking in all my endeavours. When I read it back I don’t feel any overwhelming emotion either positive or negative. I just want to move onto this afternoon. I have a focus group to attend which has nothing to do with the newsletter. 

Have you ever had a similar experience? How do you stay centred?

Hot Cross Bun (CBT) Model of Thinking/Feeling/Behaving

Today we were asked in group to write down how an emotional crisis looks like and feels like to ‘us’. The worksheet was based on the well known CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) ‘Hot Cross Bun’ Model. Even though I have seen it a million and one times before, it really helped to revise it, and use it in relation to DBT skills. This is the model in a picture format.

I find retrospective thinking hard to do, as I find it difficult to sense any emotion other than the one I am experiencing at any one particular time, no doubt it’s a BPD thing. None-the-less I tried hard to imagine a scenario where I was overwhelmed by an unpleasant emotion. Here is some of the dialogue which helped me to complete the worksheet. I really found this particular therapist very helpful today, I guess it’s nice to have a change in health professionals every now and again to gain new perspective

.

My Reflection of Myself in a Crisis

Example: Getting letter to say that a course I have been waiting to attend for many months has lost its funding and has been cancelled.

·         How do I feel?

Me; “I feel as if everything is overwhelming.”

Therapist (T);”Can you identify the emotion behind this statement?”

Me; “Well, it’s like I become paralyzed by fear and anxiety or worry.”

T; “So, is it fair to say that anxiety related emotions would be your initial or strongest feeling?”

Me; “Yes, anxiety, fear and worry.”

·         What bodily sensations do you notice

Me; “My body can become very tense; I fold my arms and cross my legs and clench my jaw”

T; “Is this when you would notice you are in an emotional crisis?”

Me; “No, probably not to be honest, it’s more when I feel like I can’t catch my breath, am shaking or have a migraine. Sometimes I become very tearful.”

T; “Ok, it’s really skilful that you can realize that. It gives you scope to work at leaning to catch the anxiety at the earlier stages, rather than it escalating to a higher intensity.”

·         What Thoughts Come to your Mind?

Me; “This feeling will never go away.” “I can’t manage.” “I should be able to manage/cope better” “I need to do something to change/stop how I am feeling RIGHT now”

T; “Well done on identifying these thoughts. The way to help change them is to weigh up the evidence for and against them and challenge them by asking; ‘Are these thoughts rational?’ Can you come up with a fairer, more tangible thought which will be more solution focused?"

·         How Do You Act?

Me; “Well because I can’t think straight, I tend to resort to behaviours which, when in wise mind, I know are harmful in the long run”

T; “What kind of things?”

Me; “I have a list!, I will avoid any situation which feels overwhelming, even if I know it needs to be dealt with and will even avoid doing things I enjoy. I stay in bed, and isolate myself by not contacting anyone. This time I didn’t open any other letters, couldn’t respond to emails or texts.”

T; “That makes perfect sense to me, but as you said, it doesn’t really help solve the crisis at hand.

Me; “No it doesn’t help, even makes it worse. I become very emotionally deregulated and resort to old destructive behaviours such as binge eating/drinking, which leads to secondary emotions of shame and guilt  and then I feel I must punish myself by self-harming to make up for it. Then it basically starts the whole cycle off again doesn’t it!

T; “Exactly! Here is where you can intersect the cycle to change the emotional and behavioural outcome by noticing initial bodily sensations before the thoughts and behaviours take over.

We then went on to cover all the ACCPECTS and SELF SOOTHE skills which can be useful to change the intense emotion. I will be making a separate post about the ACCEPTS skills as I am still putting together what works for me.

I guess I just wanted to go over this exercise, and always find that here, on my blog, is a great way to reflect. The biggest lesson I learned today is that I can always learn something new, even if I think I know it all! It feels good to have bashed this out again. I hope it helped you to read it too.

I would love to hear if this model has ever helped you.

Early Rising Plan

'yum! Morning worms are far better than late ones'

I’m inspired by the Dalai Lama, who said, ” Everyday, think as you wake up, ‘today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.’ “

Coffee Coffee Coffee

Amazing start. I start my day by jumping out of bed, late as usual, and rushing to get myself ready, never fully feeling present. I sulky walk into work, looking rumpled and barely awake, grumpy and behind everyone else. Not a great start to the day. I am sick of my broken morning routine. Its no wonder that all I feel like doing is crawling back into bed and snoozing for the day.

Quietude is the main reason I want to become an early riser. No neighbours kids yelling, no babies crying, no echoes, no cars, no television noise. The early morning hours are so peaceful, so quiet. It’s my favourite time of day. I truly enjoy that time of peace, that time to myself, when I can think, when I can read, when I can breathe.

Why do I want to subject myself to the wee hours? Simple. Sunrise. People (Me!) who wake late miss one of the greatest feats of nature, repeated in full stereovision each and every day — the rise of the sun. I love how the day slowly gets brighter, when the midnight blue turns to lighter blue, when the brilliant colours start to seep into the sky, when nature is painted in incredible colours. I want to start doing my early morning run during at this time, and I look up at the sky as I run and say to the world, “What a glorious day!”

Rise early and I actually have time for breakfast. I’m told it’s one of the most important meals of the day. Without breakfast, your body is running on fumes until you are so hungry at lunchtime that you eat whatever unhealthy thing you can find. The fattier and sugarier, the betterier. But eat breakfast, and you are sated until later. Plus, eating breakfast while reading my book and drinking my coffee in the quiet of the morning is eminently more enjoyable than scarfing something down on the way to work, or at your desk. It helps to regulate my mood, and sets me up for a more SKILFUL day.

There are other times to exercise besides the early morning, of course, but I’ve found that while exercising right after work is also very enjoyable, it’s also liable to be cancelled because of other things that come up. Morning exercise is virtually never cancelled. And plus not as many people see you all puffy and red faced in jogging tights!

Just 5 more minutes Mom!

Mornings, for me at least (when I get up!), are the most productive time of day. I like to do some writing in the morning, when there are no distractions, before I check my email or blog stats. I get so much more done by starting on my work in the morning. Then, when evening rolls around, I have no work that I need to do, and I can spend it doing other things.

No one likes rush-hour traffic, except for oil and motor companies. Commute early, and the traffic is much lighter, and you get to work faster, and thus save yourself more time. Or better yet, commute by bike. (Or even better yet, work from home. A girl can dream!)

It’s much easier to make those early appointments on time if you get up early. I like making 9am Dr. appointments, to force me to get up early. Showing up late for that appointment is a bad signal to the person you’re meeting. Showing up early will impress them. Plus, you get time to prepare.

I don’t plan to make drastic changes. I will start slowly, by waking just 15-30 minutes earlier than usual, get used to this for a few days, then cut back another 15 minutes. I must also allow myself to sleep earlier. I am used to staying up late, watching TV or surfing the Internet. But if I continue this habit, while trying to get up earlier, sooner or later one is going to give. And if it is the early rising that gives, then inevitably I will crash and sleep late and have to start over. I must go to bed earlier, even if I don’t think I’ll sleep, and read while in bed.

Getting out of the bedroom as soon as I turn off the alarm is the best plan. I mustn’t allow myself to rationalize going back to bed. Just force myself to go out of the room. My plan is to drink lots at night and therefore come morning have to stumble into the bathroom and go pee. By the time I’ve done that, and flushed the toilet and washed my hands and looked at my ugly mug in the mirror, I’m awake enough to face the day. I must not rationalize. If I allow my brain to talk me out of getting up early, I’ll never do it. Getting back in bed is not an option.

I have been trying to set something to do early in the morning that’s important. This reason will motivate me to get up. I like to write in the morning, so that’s my reason. Also, when I’m done with that, I like to read all of your comments!

Opposite Action

I am not in the mood for being social tonight. In fact,  I am damn grouchy. So what does DBT tell us to do? (cue validating and reassuring voice...) OPPOSITE ACTION. If I am to apply a rational mind to this skill, I can see how it can be useful, but at the same time my emotion mind is yelling at me that it is just another 'get on with it' statement disguised as a skill! But hay, I will try try anything once!

First things first. Identify which primary emotion I am actively avoiding. I don't think I am angry, or sad. Both are normally too intense for OPPOSITE ACTION just yet. Yes it must be fear. I am afraid of life today.

OK, so how do I apply OPPOSITE ACTION? Marsha tells us to approach our fear and do things which gives a sense of mastery over the situation. I was asked to the movies tonight, so in the spirit of making myself feel good and practicing DBT, even though I feel like crying, hiding under the covers and not coming out for a week, I smile and accept the invitation. OH NO! NOW I actually HAVE to go.

First things first. I must do something to give myself some control over the situation. So being the girl that I am, I spend an hour washing blow-drying, straightening and preening my hair. I put on my face and feel somewhat more able to deal with the world.

During the movie, I try to go ALL-THE-WAY with the OPPOSITE ACTION. I MINDFULLY PARTICIPATE in the story line of the movie, I OBSERVE the palpitations of fear which are causing me to breakout in waves of nauseating and sweaty tremors. I am in full blown panic at this stage and all I want is to run away, to flee the movie theater and be alone.

Instead I count slowly to ten and concentrate on my breathing, and try to once again bring my attention back to the story. Finally the movie ends, and although it wasn't easy and it was far from enjoyable, at least I went, and I didn't engage in any destructive behaviors!