DBT for grief

I am worried what to say to her, but I am sure everyone worries about what to say to a grieving person. But what I really feel is that knowing how to listen is much more important. Oftentimes, well-meaning people avoid talking about the death or mentioning the deceased person, I felt I should bring her Dad up, but when I was grieving for my friends that died a few years ago, I really needed to feel that my loss was acknowledged, I wanted to talk about it.

I wanted to let her know that she had my approval to talk about her dad’s death, even if it had only happened a few hours ago, yet I tried not to force her to open up. I just let her talk when the subject of her dad came up.

I brought food and made pots of tea. It’s what I do. I want to ‘mother smother’ her. That’s my term for looking after a person in time of crisis. I did it for my sister when her baby boy came early and was sick in the hospital. I got some healthy salads and soups, and also some comfort food like pizza and soda bread and giant cookies and coca-cola.

I am going out to her again tomorrow, I would like to make her some food for the freezer, but I am very low on money and can’t afford to buy the meat this weekend. From what I could see, she has enough food in the house for a few days, so can hold off for a while.

Okay… so the point of this post is to figure out what DBT skills to use to stay regulated so I can be the shoulder to lean on my friend needs right now.

MINDFULNESS

I need to be aware of which emotion I am experiencing. I will do this with OBSERVE, by checking in regularly with myself, and through my meditation practise. Then I will DESCRIBE the emotion and how it is affecting my body, thoughts and behaviours. I will be NON-JUDGEMENTAL towards my thoughts, my emotions and the feelings and emotions of those who are grieving. I will do this by putting myself in their shoes. I will let my friend know that t’s ok to feel whatever way they feel, let her express her feelings without judgement, argument or criticism.

INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVNESS

This is a time to use the relationship effectiveness skill GIVE

·         Be gentle

·         Be interested

·         Validate

·         Have an easy manner

I will smile at my friend and her family and be MINDFUL in my conversation.

EMOTION REGULATION

I really need to reduce my vulnerability with PLEASE, take my medication, go to yoga (even though this friend normally comes with me). Absolutely no drink or prescribed drugs…! I must endeavour to get the right amount of sleep. I will continue with my healthy diet and stick to my meal plans.

I will try to INCREASE POSITIVE EMOTIONS by going to my meditation group tonight. I will notice how I feel in my body, what’s passing through my mind, what I am doing, how I am behaving.

DISTRESS TOLERANCE

DISTRACTION is my best bet here, in particular focusing on others, in particular my friend. I will focus on her and concentrate on her needs. This will help direct my thoughts away from the difficult emotions which accompany death

I am AWAKING OPPOSITE EMOTION by listening to my favourite music, calming and soothing music.

PRAYER is helping me too to not make the situation worse. I am also bringing my friend and her family into my meditation.

I self-soothed by taking a really long hot shower this morning which gave me the strength to go see my friend after.

Finally RADICAL ACCEPTANCE is greatly needed. Death is the ultimate test for this skill. I hate that he is dead, yet I must accept it. 

For Rhiannon

13th December 1988 to 14th September 2007

In this one you are my flame-haired hero

A shocking beauty with no regrets

A vault of treasure and talent

An assembly of wealthy memories

You conquered the crowd

With eruptions of left-winged interpretations.

I could listen to you all day

And now, I wish, with retrospect I had listened to you more

You astounded me, outwitted me, scared me almost

Nobody could prepare themselves for you

Nor predict what might pour out of that witchy mouth

I was jealous of you, as were the bullies that tormented your soul

I long for just one more day in the company of you

To feel the silent, energising punch of adoration

I want to rub the lantern and reverse time

To study your mannerisms, to submerge myself in your identity

So that I may never forget, so that I may ransack your memory

So I could pledge my friendship, so I could tell you everything I never said.




Copyright of A. Colgan 2012

Beautiful Suicide **Trigger**

I want a beautiful suicide
Where the night skies are dark
And the stars shine brightly
Yes tonight I’ll make my mark

I want a beautiful suicide
With a knife next to me
Alone in a room
How good will this be

I want I beautiful suicide
I’d already planned
Alone in silence
Nothing could be more grand

I want a beautiful suicide
I’ll have to no longer life this life
No hurt or pain
All it takes is a knife

Do I want a beautiful suicide?
I don’t think I could die
Come to think of it
It’ll make others cry

I don't want a beautiful suicide
I’ll no longer commit
I’ll just mend what’s wrong
That was stupid I admit

Mental Illness: My Gift

Today I attended a 'Wellness Workshop'. It was a day-long seminar run by a fantastic organisation here in Ireland called S.O.S. (Suicide or Survive). I really connected to the speakers and feel that it came at just the right time for me as I haven't been coping that well lately and needed a boost. 

I took so much out of the day, but what I found myself being drawn back to all day was quite a controversial topic. And that is; that my mental illness has been the greatest gift I have. I came to this conclusion because, I feel that BPD has gifted me the power of understanding, of empathy and hope, of motivation and passion for change and most importantly; a desire and a drive to help others, to care and to reach-out.

I really want to explain what I mean without sounding patronizing or Pollyanna-ish. I haven't gone into much detail about my personal story on this blog yet, and I am still working up the courage to post about it. But I will share with you a wee bit now for the purpose of explaining myself properly.

Two years ago, almost to the day, I suffered the loss of my twin babies during pregnancy. This loss was far from an easy blow to absorb. If you have not experienced grief or shock to that degree, let me tell you, it hurts. Emotionally obviously, but also physically. It's a pain deep in the pit of your stomach, in your core. Its a suffocating agony in your lungs and a sharp stab to your heart. It is not a feeling I would wish on anybody, not even my enemies. 

Here is where I could dwell on that awful chapter of my life, I could describe that horrible day to you, but I don't feel it would help you if I did, so I choose not to. Rather, I want to focus on how I feel this period has shaped me into who I am now, how I live and how I view the world I live in.

Without that perpetrating event two years ago, I would not have faced up to my problems. Some people call it their 'Rock-Bottom', or a breakdown, or their breaking point. It changed me from the person I was then to the person I was after. Without it, I would never have sought help and would still be using the extremely destructive coping mechanisms I had so successfully developed. I would go as far to say I mightn't be alive today, if I am being totally honest. 

The accessories to grief; shock, confusion, despair, anger, sadness, etc. are what saved me from myself. I FELT something finally. I was smacked in the face with emotion for the first time really, and I couldn't deal with it. I needed help. Since getting that help, I have questioned everything, I have left no rock in my life un-turned.  I have searched for answers and explanations and most importantly, I have never accepted 'no'.

You see, that blow of grief provided the foundations for my survival.  I learn't my hardest lessons from that period of my life.  I am now more mindful of my emotions and my triggers. I can recognize when I need help, and can actually ask for it. I am grateful for my blessings and have learnt who and what are the most important to me. I am not too sure I could have done all those things without the bitter foreknowledge of my grief.

I actively use RADICAL ACCEPTANCE here. Yes it was such a horrible thing to have happened to me. Nobody should experience the loss of their own children's lives. But oftentimes, we learn the most valuable lessons from our hardest and most devastating experiences. I still have not fully accepted the loss just yet, only yesterday I was sitting in Mass screaming at God 'WHY ME!!!!', I so often baulk in the injustice of it all. But I let myself feel that way sometimes, because that's OK too.

Back to the workshop, one of the facilitators coined a phrase 'Think in Ink'. I loved it. He made us put our biggest hopes and dreams and goals down on paper. In ink. Mine is to go back to University and get my degree in occupational therapy. When I wrote it down, I thought to myself; 'I am going to a damn good occupational therapist'. I haven't been that positive about myself in a very long time. And most importantly, I BELIEVE it. I am not just affirming to myself. I know I will be a great O.T. some day. My personal experience is going to help me to help others.

It excited me and motivated me to kick my disorder up the bum, to rid it from my life, to accept that these thing happened but to wave goodbye to them and look forward to what is around the next corner.