Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Princess Diana: An inspiration.

I consider Princess Diana one of my herons/inspirations. She was worshiped by so many people all her life. In her lifetime she accomplished many great things. She worked on numerous charity projects; she also was one of the most the most photographed people during her lifetime. Diana Spencer was born on July, 1 1961; the youngest daughter of Edward Spencer. She married HRH Prince Charles in 1981, and got divorced in 1996. During her lifetime, she had two children, Prince William and Prince Henry.

She worked tirelessly on helping and trying to improve the life's of others, even though her own short life was tainted with pain and suffering. It was suspected that she also suffered from an emotional vulnerability (BPD). 

Her parents divorced when she was young like mine did. The effects of Diana's parents' divorce were certainly traumatic and led to lifelong problems with issues of abandonment, anxiety, and insecurity. Diana often wept before and after public engagements due to both her own high expectations for herself and the public's expectations of her. She was prone to mood swings, bulimia, self-mutilation, lying, and inattention, again just like me. Of course, I dont live in a palace and wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but none the less I can really identify with her. 

She was so so beautiful. My mother got married around the same time as her and the resemblance of my mother to Diana was truely remarkable. My parents wedding photos were discared when they divorced, but I managed to beg for few to be saved. I love looking at my mum when she was 23. She was radiant. It helps me to forget all the bad memories I have of her abusive behaviour towards me as an innocent child. 

Looking at that picture I can be non judgemental towards her. She had a tremendously difficult life. She fell pregnant at 18, an abomination for a upperclass, Irish catholic girl.  She was kicked out of her comfortable house and forced into a home for unmarried mothers. Her whole life was uprooted overnight, no support, total abandonment. 

Only if she married my father, her teenage boyfriend, could she be accepted back into her family and have the financial support she so desperately needed. 

She married for necessity not for love. It was bound to end badly. Yet she tried so hard to make it work. Despite poverty, abuse and an undiagnosed mental illness (I think) she thought another baby (me) might save the marriage. But the extra strain of another baby was too difficult to handle. A separation happened before my 3rd birthday. My father was absent physically as he was often abroad working (and having affairs seemingly) and my mother was absent emotionally. 

Reading about Diana's life reminds me so very much of the pain my mother went through. And looking at pictures of Diana compounds how string both women were. 

Saturday, 10 May 2014

Doing not so 'well'

This my first time posting from my iPhone, so here's hoping it actually works. 

From the outside, I must seem to be doing 'well'. I'm eating 'well', I'm sleeping  'well', I'm behaving 'well', my relationship with my boyfriend is going 'well'. But inside I don't feel quite so 'well' at all.

I've been avoiding things, really important things. I blew off an appointment with my therapist last week and still haven't gotten in touch with her. I know how rude it is, but I don't know how to tell her I have no excuse as to why I didn't turn up. I honestly don't know why I decided not to turn up. I want to make up some big elaborate excuse to hide my shame, but that will only make me feel worse. I will go with my tail between my legs and be honest to her. 

I have been avoiding opening letters too. I have a big phone bill I can't afford to pay and I know it's only going to get worse, logically I understand that avoiding contacting the company will only intensify the problem and heighten my fear. I am a reasonable person. Normally. I have kept all this from my family and boyfriend. They think I am doing really 'well'. 

I even went away to the west of Ireland last week. And put on a brave face and let everyone think I had a great time. 

I DID actually briefly enjoy myself towards the end of the trip though. We took a boat out to see the rugged coastline. The scenery was fantastic, beautifully calming. The majestic cliffs were heart-soothing and the salty fresh air woke my awareness back up. The sunsets reminded me how powerful Mother Nature is to renewing the soul. 

So although things are not so 'well' inside my mind, being MINDFUL to my surroundings helped DISTRACT, renew, SOOTHE, and ACCEPT things as they are. And that's about all I can manage for  now.