The Art of Being Average

"Having excellence as a goal doesn't mean that we always achieve it. It can be difficult to achieve excellence in all major areas of your life simultaneously. Most of us have a few areas of life where we try especially hard to do our best. As a consequence, other areas receive less attention"

Average is Actually "Normal"

Humans can't be excellent every day. Everybody is just average some days.

There are days when we're under the weather, we're distracted by troubling events, or circumstances just conspire to make the day tougher.

It is not necessary that our work -- even our important work -- always be excellent. Often, just showing up is 99% of what we need to do.

And, to be honest, some days we are even worse than average. It's unavoidable. It's the law of averages -- double meaning intended.

But if you're like most people, and you're faced with a whole lot of things to do, some of them perhaps stressful or challenging, then let me be the first to wish you a very happy, average week.

Perfectionism can be paralyzing and is certainly stressful!

Wherever You Go, There You Are

‘Guess what? When it comes right down to it, wherever you go, there you are. Whatever you wind up doing, that’s what you’ve wound up doing. Whatever you are thinking right now, that’s what’s on your mind. Whatever has happened to you, it has already happened. The important question is, how are you going to handle it? In other words, “now what?” ‘

                                                                                                                                                                                       Jon Kabit-Zinn.

I spend so much time contemplating what I will do with my time and not enough time actually doing what I plan to do, living with my head in a tomorrow which never arrives because my incisive worry quells any chance of the present moment enjoyment.

My quandary is; that I allow my sentiment control my day. If I rouse full of wakeful slumber or drudgery, I permit the emotion I encounter in that sleepy moment dictate my plan for the day. ‘Oh it’s much too cold and wet to traipse all the way into town today…’ Ah sure I will stay home and write…’ (That’s a personal favourite of my morning lethargy, and of course nothing gets written!)

I guess the point I am trying to arrive at with this post is that I must tune my mind to the present moment, live in the day I am in and make full use of each precious hour it contains. My goal this week is to make a weekly plan of activity in which I embrace the wonder of each moment. Then I must actually DO what I have set out to do in a mindful manner, just experiencing, not judging. If I feel sad or lonely… so be it… just notice the emotion.

See, what I tend to do and can foresee happening this week is; me doing anything to escape experiencing the negative emotions that plague my daily existence. My favourite method at the moment is to blank out in front of Netflicks with my cat and a gallon of tea, oh I even found myself the full price section of a clothes store riffling through dresses I can’t afford, not to mention facebook…. As I say, I wonder aimlessly though my day and then get a shock to see the day is almost over. I tut to myself how unwonderful my day has been and make a wee vow to change my behaviour tomorrow only to experience an all too familiar sense of déjà vu come four o’clock the next day.

It must end. So I am off to experience the next moment as mindfully as I can and will be back to write soon. Adios amigos. 

Upgraded Armour. Reflection on The Center for Living

I abilities feel stronger, robust even. My suit of armour has been fixed and polished. Inside the suit I am vulnerable, full of emotions and open to triggers, but now that all the chinks and dents have been smoothed out, I am prepared for the onslaught of emotion, armed and ready with more skills. I feel humbled and so glad that the Centre for Living proved me wrong. It’s not easy for me to say that. I like to be right, but I was really mistaken about the programmes ability to help me evolve in my understanding of DBT.

The most valuable morsel of information I am leaving with today is that my life is never all-or-nothing. Just because I had a bad morning, say I eat more than I planned, it does not mean that I need to discredit all the other good things I achieved that day.

One particular therapist was really wonderful. It’s not that she thought me anything new; in fact at first I found it hard to participate in her sessions as I thought I had heard it all before! But the longer I sat there, the more everything just ‘fell’ into place. It’s about using the DBT skills together, in tangent with each other, it’s about weaving the mindfulness skills into everything I do, not just sitting quietly observing my thoughts for 10 minutes a day. It’s about noticing the grumbles of anxiety before the fear takes over and I loss control. It’s about catching the little niggles of frustration and quenching it with self soothing skills, so that intense anger stays at bay. It’s not about the food, or the behaviours. I need to be mindful long before I get to that stage. It’s always about the emotions. This therapist clawed me back to WISE MIND and is a perfect example of the therapy really working, of it making sense.

I found such great validation in the other service users I met over the last 2 weeks. We were all at different stages of our recovery journey. Most were at the beginning of treatment, just becoming accustomed to the structure of DBT, and still exploring the diagnosis. Some had accepted it, others were still fighting it. Some simply didn’t understand it and hence couldn’t make an informed decision either way! We were all sitting in that room because of a common link. We all in some shape or form lacked the ability and skills to deal with our emotions. I found comfort in being reminded that I was not alone, that there are other people out there going through this hell. 

Distraction. ACCEPTS, Distress Tolerance

Everyone loves progression right? Well I know I do in any case. Today in group we finally moved onto the next module: DISTRESS TOERANCE. Again, this is a nice inoffensive, non triggering topic. This time round anyway. Last time I found it hard to accept that these skills won’t solve all my problems straight away, as in right now! But rather they are designed to help you to bear pain skilfully without making the situation any worse. (Marsha Linehan 1993)

This set of skills is for when in the throes of an emotional crisis. When the problem can’t be solved, or if it can, maybe it is simply not the right time to solve it in that moment. It may not be the right environment to try to solve the problem either; for example, I am not skilled enough yet to stay emotionally regulated around my family during disagreements, so for now, using the DISTRESS TOLERANCE skills is the best solution for me. When I am in a food crisis, where I am trying really hard not to binge or purge, then being at home or around food is most defiantly the worst environment to be in, so some skills might not be as effective. And parallel to that, sometimes I can’t get away from situations involving food; this is when I find DISTRESS TOLERANCE skills really help. I like to think that my cue to use the distress tolerance is when I reach my complex skill breakdown point. It is also a way for me to find wise mind and calm the moment so I can try a solution focused skill like OPPOSITE ACTION, because it’s really important to not spend all my time self soothing or distracting! I would never get anything done!

What I picked up from today’s group is that PREPERATION is the key for these skills to REALLY work, and to allow myself to gain maximum benefit from them. We are always being told to practise the skills in less emotionally intensive situations so as we are familiar with them when we really need them when deregulated. So that is the aim of this post. To put together a list of distraction ideas based on the skill WISE MIND ACCEPTS.

DISTRACTION for CRISES SURVIAL is not the same as ‘zoning off’ when a problem CAN be solved, like staying in bed watching Disney films and avoiding the real world for days on end. That will just make it worse! WISE MIND ACCEPTS is for when you have to tolerate the situation in a way that is not harmful to yourself or others.

WISE MIND ACCEPTS stands for:

A – Activities

C – Contributing

C – Comparisons

E – Emotions

P – Push Away

S – Sensations

These are some of my own ideas; things which I know will help me during a crisis. Again, it is a work in progress and as always I would love to hear all your suggestions.

Activities Throw self into the moment.

·         Reading books – Silly novels, short stories about unimportant topics, Sci-Fi, Harry Potter. NO non-fiction. Magazines, trashy or glossy! Read recovery Blogs, Karyn Hall, Audio Books

·         Exercise - Get active, something intensive which demands focus and attention. Zumba class, Yoga.

·         Hobbies – Music, learn a new song on the guitar. Art and crafts. Writing, blogging. 

·         Mental activities – Memrise.com. Word games, scrabble on phone, Memorize a poem or prayer. Write a poem or short story.

·         Cleaning – Bedroom, Kitchen, Bathroom, Make-up, Wardrobe, Cooking, Washing

·         Events – Go see a movie, a play, a show, a lecture. The Silent Room, Meditation class. Google entertainment.ie, Hospital lectures.

·         Friends – Meet up, text, call, chat, email….. But DO NOT talk about crisis.
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Contributing - Focus on something/someone other than yourself.

·         Volunteer time, Hospital, Church,

·         Do something nice for another person. Bake, cook, send letter/card

·         Surprise someone, pay for coffee, buy something

·         Send nice text, Email, facebook

·          Smile at shop assistant, people on the street.

·         Give money to charity, buy food for homeless person

·         Visit Nana, Granny, Someone who is sick

·         Say prayers for the well – being of others

Comparison – Remember, it could always be worse

·         Compare myself to myself this time last year, a few months ago, even a few weeks ago!

·         Compare myself to others in my situations who are coping worse than me.

·         Compare myself to the rest of my family who have the same condition who are not accepting and coping with the disorder.

·         Be thankful for what I have

Emotions – Create opposite emotions to the one you are experiencing.

·         Music – create ‘happy’ playlist, ‘upbeat’ playlist, ‘relaxing’ playlist

·         Movies – Disney, Comedies, Period Dramas, Scary films

·         Comedy show

·         Read romantic books, thrillers

·         Read inspirational stories or poems

Push Away – Allow yourself a break from the emotion/thought

·         Mentally leave the situation, go to another ‘room’ in your mind

·         Give it to God box

·         Do a guided visualisation on Youtube

Thoughts – Focus mind on thoughts, Take a mental ‘Time-Out’

·         Count to ten

·         Count your breath

·         Visualise STOP! Sign

·         Look around, observe the things around you, and name them.

·         Say the same thing over and over in your mind. Breathe in WISE breathe out MIND. Over and over

Sensations – Interrupt physiological action urges with something intense which will not harm

·         Have a very hot or cold shower. Alternate between the two

·         Hold ice, eat frozen fruit

·         Go swimming, use the steam room

·         Suck on a lemon/lime

·         Snap a rubber band on your wrist

I cannot stress the importance of being prepared ahead of a crisis, and also it’s so important to find what works for you. It took me a really long time to figure out that these things work for me.

Personal Responsibility and Action Plans

For a week filled with extreme emotions and tear stained streaks down my cheeks, I am feeling lighter. Clichéd as it may sound, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my mind, well actually, it’s been yanked off my mind by harsh but powerful words and my own realization that I am the only person who can ‘fix’ me.

If I was to summarize my experience of this last week of intense treatment, it would be in two simple words ‘PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY’. I have been jolted back into reality being on this programme. No-one is going to do the work for me, no matter how much I want it; it simply is not going to happen. No prince is going to ride in on a shining white horse and save me from the BPD monster, but I can get on my own horse, learn how to ride it and trot away into the sunset myself.  Personal responsibility in my recovery involves taking action and doing what needs to be done to get well and stay well. It involves problem solving, making goals and sticking to them. It involves making promises to myself, not my family, not my team and not my friends. It involves taking ownership of my life and my future. I must remember that am an expert on myself and gain back control of my life.

I have been given a wonderful sense of empowerment, while still validating my emotions. I am so afraid of what my life will bring now that my future is so uncertain. I feel it in the pit of my stomach; I have noticed the inability to catch my breath and the hot sweats I break out in when thinking about what I will do. Yet although these emotions wash over me, and I feel them, they are not going to change or improve my situation.

I have been really trying to use the core skill OPPOSITE ACTION in response to the anxiety. My action urge is to avoid, not thinking about options, not to get advice and not to apply for opportunities. That way I can’t be disappointed again, I can’t be rejected. Yet I am also not helping the problem, I am not giving myself a chance at a LIFE WORTH LIVING, and am pilling more misery on top of misery. More fear on top of more fear.

To go ALL THE WAY with this skill, I have to stop procrastinating and ‘just do it’ as the Nike ad tells us. One of therapists always tells me that ACTIVATION PRECEEDS MOTIVATION, so even if I don’t feel like applying for the internships, jobs, courses or voluntary work I just have to do it, then I will feel the benefits of my labour after.

It’s so hard in real life though, so the way I have tackled it is by making small little steps. The number one reason we put off improving our lives is because big changes feel so scary and unattainable. Which is why breaking goals down into small steps is the secret of success. There’s less fear when you’re just concentrating on what you need to do that day, and as you stick to your good intentions, you’ll be motivated to carry on until your new habits become a way of life. I was told to write your goal down on several pieces of paper.  Hang them up everywhere.  This is my first step to focusing on my commitment. Then make lots of smaller easier to achieve goals for each step of the bigger goal.

 So here it goes; I want to get back to university. I want to do a health science related degree. I either want to study occupational therapy or midwifery. It’s been my dream since I was a teenager, and I was two years into my OT degree when I had to drop out due to BPD.

Step 1: Find out what I need to achieve to get onto course and what university I can study in.

·         I need to have the skills to stay in university for 4 years,

·         Be able to endure 8 hour days of lectures/study.

·         I need to have communication skills to be able to interact with other students.

·         I need to be able to manage stress and have good time management.

·         I need to have the finances in place to support myself for the four years.

·         I need to be physically healthy and emotionally fit.

Step 2: Finish DBT and fully engage in therapy to learn new skills.

·         Attend DBT skills group and individual therapy every week.

·         Complete all homework and be willing to learn new behaviour patterns.

·         Adhere to DBT contract to create a life worth living

Step 3: Attend a less intense course/internship/voluntary work in order to build up skills and confidence.

·         Research opportunities online with voluntary organisations and apply for any that interest me.

·         Talk to and ask others about different opportunities.

·         Update CV and write cover letters.

·         Follow up on all leads and correspondence.

Step 4: Get finances in order

·         Talk to social welfare office

·         Find out about financial aid for going back to university.

·         Continue to babysit and pick up small manageable jobs

·         Set up credit union account.

·         Try to save when I can.

Step 5: Work on personal relationships

·         Stay in touch with friends, and be appreciative of their love and support.

·         Reach out to family; be considerate and patient as they are also learning new skills.

·         Make efforts to create new friendships.

·         End destructive relationships.

·         Be honest

Step 6: Foster and develop creative talents and interests

·         Make regular time to write/attend writing classes

·         Listen to music daily, sing.

·         Keep art supplies stocked and ready to use

·         Make cards/collages/draw/paint

·         Learn new things as often as possible.

This is all I can think of right now, but I know that more steps and action plans will emerge from these rudimentary goals. It feels good to have a plan, something to work towards. i don't feel so empty ans lost. 

'I Shall Go To The Ball' OPPOSITE ACTION To Fear

 I am sitting here waiting, wishing for the moments to pass more slowly. Dreaded time has caught me by surprise this morning, dragging me into a place I would rather run and hide from. Yes tonight is the night that I have been both looking forward to yet silently wishing would never come. I admittedly have not been listening to my emotions about this event. If I am honest, I have not observed the suffocating sensation in my neck, or how hard it has been to catch my breath between the shallow gasps.

I am in full blown distress mode this morning. I feel titteringly close to losing control once again. So I must turn to DBT skills to quell my EMOTION MIND and find the calm which accompanies WISE MIND.

Firstly I can recognize that my fear is disproportionate to the situation. Yes OK, I acknowledge that it is out of my safe place. A formal ball with hundreds of new unfamiliar people is not going to be comfortable, but it will not harm me in anyway. With this in mind, the obvious skill to use is OPPOSITE TO EMOTION ACTION. For it to work, I must go ALL THE WAY with this skill to distinguish the fear and snuff out the flame of panic

Sometimes in order to change how we feel we have to act opposite to how our emotions are telling us to act.  With anxiety, instead of running from the feared circumstance, we need to approach and engage in it.

Acting opposite to how you’re feeling only works when:

• The fear is not justified.  Fear is justified when a situation is a threat to your life, health, or well being.
• You do opposite action all the way. Not just by acting opposite to how you’re feeling, but also by thinking opposite to how you’re feeling.

PROCESS OF OPPOSITE ACTION

Figure out your emotion

Figure out what action goes with that emotion.

Ask yourself ‘do I want to reduce this emotion?’

Figure out what the opposite action is.

Do the opposite action all the way.

So I will firstly decide to go and follow through with that plan. I will fix my tan, go to the hairdressers and get my make-up done. I will dress up and make sure I feel as confident as I can before I go. Once I get there it is really important that I continue to be present, and stay in the skills mindset. I will use HALF SMILE to center my nerves and help accept that it is a difficult night for me. I must make sure that both my body and mind are at the party, so no hiding in the bathroom or keeping quite. I will make small talk and remember to breath!

Wish me luck!

.

Beautiful Suicide **Trigger**

I want a beautiful suicide
Where the night skies are dark
And the stars shine brightly
Yes tonight I’ll make my mark

I want a beautiful suicide
With a knife next to me
Alone in a room
How good will this be

I want I beautiful suicide
I’d already planned
Alone in silence
Nothing could be more grand

I want a beautiful suicide
I’ll have to no longer life this life
No hurt or pain
All it takes is a knife

Do I want a beautiful suicide?
I don’t think I could die
Come to think of it
It’ll make others cry

I don't want a beautiful suicide
I’ll no longer commit
I’ll just mend what’s wrong
That was stupid I admit

Mental Illness: My Gift

Today I attended a 'Wellness Workshop'. It was a day-long seminar run by a fantastic organisation here in Ireland called S.O.S. (Suicide or Survive). I really connected to the speakers and feel that it came at just the right time for me as I haven't been coping that well lately and needed a boost. 

I took so much out of the day, but what I found myself being drawn back to all day was quite a controversial topic. And that is; that my mental illness has been the greatest gift I have. I came to this conclusion because, I feel that BPD has gifted me the power of understanding, of empathy and hope, of motivation and passion for change and most importantly; a desire and a drive to help others, to care and to reach-out.

I really want to explain what I mean without sounding patronizing or Pollyanna-ish. I haven't gone into much detail about my personal story on this blog yet, and I am still working up the courage to post about it. But I will share with you a wee bit now for the purpose of explaining myself properly.

Two years ago, almost to the day, I suffered the loss of my twin babies during pregnancy. This loss was far from an easy blow to absorb. If you have not experienced grief or shock to that degree, let me tell you, it hurts. Emotionally obviously, but also physically. It's a pain deep in the pit of your stomach, in your core. Its a suffocating agony in your lungs and a sharp stab to your heart. It is not a feeling I would wish on anybody, not even my enemies. 

Here is where I could dwell on that awful chapter of my life, I could describe that horrible day to you, but I don't feel it would help you if I did, so I choose not to. Rather, I want to focus on how I feel this period has shaped me into who I am now, how I live and how I view the world I live in.

Without that perpetrating event two years ago, I would not have faced up to my problems. Some people call it their 'Rock-Bottom', or a breakdown, or their breaking point. It changed me from the person I was then to the person I was after. Without it, I would never have sought help and would still be using the extremely destructive coping mechanisms I had so successfully developed. I would go as far to say I mightn't be alive today, if I am being totally honest. 

The accessories to grief; shock, confusion, despair, anger, sadness, etc. are what saved me from myself. I FELT something finally. I was smacked in the face with emotion for the first time really, and I couldn't deal with it. I needed help. Since getting that help, I have questioned everything, I have left no rock in my life un-turned.  I have searched for answers and explanations and most importantly, I have never accepted 'no'.

You see, that blow of grief provided the foundations for my survival.  I learn't my hardest lessons from that period of my life.  I am now more mindful of my emotions and my triggers. I can recognize when I need help, and can actually ask for it. I am grateful for my blessings and have learnt who and what are the most important to me. I am not too sure I could have done all those things without the bitter foreknowledge of my grief.

I actively use RADICAL ACCEPTANCE here. Yes it was such a horrible thing to have happened to me. Nobody should experience the loss of their own children's lives. But oftentimes, we learn the most valuable lessons from our hardest and most devastating experiences. I still have not fully accepted the loss just yet, only yesterday I was sitting in Mass screaming at God 'WHY ME!!!!', I so often baulk in the injustice of it all. But I let myself feel that way sometimes, because that's OK too.

Back to the workshop, one of the facilitators coined a phrase 'Think in Ink'. I loved it. He made us put our biggest hopes and dreams and goals down on paper. In ink. Mine is to go back to University and get my degree in occupational therapy. When I wrote it down, I thought to myself; 'I am going to a damn good occupational therapist'. I haven't been that positive about myself in a very long time. And most importantly, I BELIEVE it. I am not just affirming to myself. I know I will be a great O.T. some day. My personal experience is going to help me to help others.

It excited me and motivated me to kick my disorder up the bum, to rid it from my life, to accept that these thing happened but to wave goodbye to them and look forward to what is around the next corner.

'Participation' Is Torture

This week we have been set the goal of in incorporating the 'What' Skill (from the Mindfulness module) PARTICIPATION into our everyday lives. Thing is, with every good intention of being a diligent member of DBT group therapy, I made a plan. But annoyingly, I keep forgetting to fully participate in a task in order to be mindful to my experiences. 

"I used to think mindfulness is some form of passive observation… it is NOT passive.  In fact, mindfulness requires you to be both the participant and the observer simultaneously.  In this way, you are the observer of your experience at the same time as you are the experience itself.  As thoughts, feelings, and sensations naturally arise, they arise with the same vessel that observes them.Mindfulness is not a denial of your experience and a retreat into nothing but detached observation.  It is a type of open observation that is experiencing that which it is observing." Laura Schenck MA

Some skills from DBT are like little treats for the soul, while others are more akin to TORTURE! This is one of them. When you are fully awake to an experience you have actively spent a good proportion of your life trying to avoid, it is not a nice experience to then have to be aware of all the unpleasantness.

Does that make sense? I can't seem to explain what I mean in the way I want to. For example, a way I have tried to incorporate participation into my life this week, is to fully engage in eating. I really tried hard to experience every morsel of food. To taste the differences between sweet, bitter and salt. I noticed the variances in temperature and texture. Then I switched from external stimuli to the internal. To my thoughts, judgments and emotions.

Here is where the problem with this skill arose for me. No matter how hard I concentrated on noticing my thoughts, there was a strong resistance to participate in the task any longer. It was too hard to observe, then describe, then participate with eating when my head was screaming floods of guilt. 'Fat cow' 'You have no self control' 'You will be alone forever' 'This is what you deserve, fatness and unhappiness' .... 

This skill needs practice I think. And its not what I want to do. Its hard and annoying, but I guess if I was to pull from another skill, and weighed up the pros and cons, is it harder to live with an eating disorder or to just practice this skill?