Compassion for my Past Self

What if we looked at emotional sensitivity as simply another way to experience life? I would like to live in a world where there is more than one way to be social. 

The expected way to relate to others comes through external channels, such as other people, home, school, work and the general public. These come with a prescribed way of acting and being. 

But what happens if it’s impossible for you to swallow an approved social remedy? We feel like we are missing out on life because there seems to be a piece missing. We compensate for the overtly stimulating world with coping strategies. I turned to food, study and avoidance. They became the rules by which I could function for a time. They were my compensatory methods for living in a world full of difficulties. In a world which is overwhelming, emotionally over-stimulating, and just too demanding, this was a smart strategy; I had to establish a way I could live amidst a world of social encounters I couldn't relate to. 

Food was my numbing essence, it was comparable to a resolved hug from a caring parent, full of comfort and compassion and unconditional love. I ate until my world made sense again, until I felt the familiar pain and stretch in my stomach that reminded me that I was a living, breathing human being. The food passed my lips like smooth caramel that cascades from high up off a wooden spoon as it’s ladled from a hot sauce pan and falls back into the sweet sticky mass.. I ate to fill the missing piece I lacked in life. I ate until I felt like a full person. 

The release after overeating came like the shutter release on an old manual camera. All it took was one finger gently pressing down on the right spot. The picture of the inside of that toilet bowl will be burned into the back of my mind forever. 

I wasn't a natural academic. I worked hard to find the peace and control good grades offered me. It was a steady focus I could control. It also gave me an excuse to practice my third coping method; avoidance. I arrived to school early most days, and rarely went home before 8 pm  The library and study rooms became my best friends. I loved the stillness; I loved the silence they offered. Finally I found a place that didn't overwhelm me. I had my own small place which I inhabited. Yet due to dyslexia, I couldn't always concentrate on school work for long periods of time, so often I would read or day dream about the stories I read. I became aware through literature how the characters in the books dealt with life. I was drawn into the safety of the stories and the friends I gained by scanning each line. I learnt how to be from those books.

Even when it came to sport, I avoided team games and opted for swimming. It was a solitary exercise. When I put my head under the water, the world became still and quite. The gentle echoes were comforting and safe for me. And this way less people asked questions as to why I came into school so early. I could cry easy in the pool and nobody knew. 

As I look back at my teenage years I can see clearly that I have always been a very sensitive person, easily overwhelmed and highly emotional. I didn't know that then though. I just thought that my general ‘being’ was wrong and non-functional. 

Okay, these coping methods were never going to useful forever, but in a way I am sort of proud of my little adolescent self. She found a way to survive, to live and to get by in a scary lonely world. So now I don’t look back with scorn at my past behaviors  I look back with compassion for a girl who didn't know any other way to stay alive. And in twenty years I will look back on what I will have learnt and see that right now I am doing the best I can do right at this moment. I will always face difficulties, I don't like to think I will be this way for ever, but the harsh reality is that

Battling With Self Hatred

It is far from easy to change my time-honored abhorrence to myself. When asked to choose three words to describe myself it would always have been a hateful expression of self disclosure. Mistake, awkward and failure would be ones that would instantly spring to mind.. Self-negativity just comes more natural to me than self-kindness. I can’t tell you an exact time when my thinking began to deviate towards such a spiteful disgust for all that is me, but I can honestly say I don’t have childhood memories where I ever looked at myself with compassion or kindness or self validation. 

So, now that it comes to using the DBT skill of SELF SOOTHE and ACCUMULATE POSITIVE EXPERIENCES I shudder at the thought of doing something for me, only for me. The only way I can describe it is; it’s like trying to be kind and professional to a really nasty customer in a shop. All you want to do is clobber them. You are forced to be nice to them through gritted teeth because you are obliged to, and because the security cameras would capture your every move! 

That is how I feel today. It’s been a rough few weeks since finished the skills group. I feel so despondent and isolated from the only thing that gave me some sort of a life. My mood has been near to the ground and I have been clinging on to every resource and skill base I can access to keep my emotional boat afloat. 

I strained myself to do something nice for myself today. I went and got a massage. I did enjoy it, but found my automatic negative thoughts overtaking any pleasure that was coming through my senses. I was so worried about taking my clothes off, as I have put on a considerable amount of weight since stopping the disordered eating behaviours. For so long I punished my body physically with food and exercise, I ravaged my muscles and bones and skin. So today, when the therapist’s warm hands glided over my body and caressed each part so tenderly, it felt unnatural and wrong. The juxtaposition created by the comforting touch and the undeserving thoughts was too much to contend with. I found it hard to settle into the hour and really relax. Instead my mind was racing with spiteful digs of unworthiness and unpleasant sensations of guilt. 

I guess I can say I was at least WILLING to use DBT skills today, but this one created a worrisome chain of thoughts which I did not intend.

Progress

I get little fits of 'energy' from time to time. They scare me, yet paradoxically they motivate me into productivity. Its like I realize that; all too soon I could be back in the familiar haze of depression, so in a fury of energy, I have to take full advantage of any brief respite from the emotional hell when it comes. 

Yesterday the two girls I lived with moved out. They were students and had finished their exams, so have now moved home for the summer. For at least the next three months it is just me and the landlady living together in my house. I like it this way. I really do not enjoy living and sharing my space with other people, yet financially I have little other option. Call me anti-social, I don't mind. I agree!Anyway, back to the topic at hand; It gave me a perfect opportunity to give the kitchen well over due clean. As you can imagine; cleaning is not high on any students agenda. The place was festering with months old grit and grim. 

The most outstanding part to this idea was not that I found the motivation to clean, no. It was that I wanted to clean it for me, not anybody else, so that I would have a nice comforting environment to live in. When I realized this, I sort of stopped in my tracks. I can't remember the last time I was this kind to myself, this compassionate. I see it as progress, I really do. I know from previous 'healthy' periods in my life, that when I take pride in my own choices and in my environment that I am doing well. I am living for myself again now, heck, I want to live! That's a big difference from a mere month ago...

With regards to DBT, I can most certainly see a noted improvement of late also. There are so many things I know have contributed to this bout of wellness, all of which I feel have been needed in conjunction with each other rather than in isolation.This includes my very successful treatment stint in the Center For Living, also I am now attending OA regularly and have started eating and sticking to a food plan daily, my sleep has vastly improved due to a more structured routine, and I am volunteering twice weekly and meeting new interesting people and most importantly I am making friends and family a priority again, I am resisting the urge to isolate. I have reduced my vulnerability factors drastically by really concentrating on PLEASE. By doing this I am giving myself an opportunity to have happy, or 'normal' life, or if we go all Marsha on it 'a life worth living'.

That is not to say that all is peachy all of the time. I had a good chance to practice self soothe only hours ago. I was at a public lecture tonight in a private hospital here in Dublin. The same hospital where I spent five very unwell months two years ago, and where I received my  BPD diagnosis. Even though I loved the security this hospital offered me from reality, the 'bubble' effect I like to call it, I also have very negative memories of the treatment I received there.

One incident in particular involved the very Doctor who was giving the lecture tonight. He was not my Consultant, but he was on call for the night in question when I became very dysregulated. I had not yet received a formal diagnosis at this stage and had no idea what was going on with my emotions. I thought I was a horrible person, my self worth was nonexistent and I was seriously contemplating ending my life. Now, obviously being in hospital, this wasn't really a viable option and thankfully I at least had the sense to express my thoughts to the nurse on duty. 

Little to my knowledge at that time, the formal protocol for suicidal initiation during the night is to page the on call Consultant. I got the addiction specialist, who, in my opinion didn't know any more what to do with a Borderline any more than a man does with a bottle of moisturizer. 

In retrospect, all I needed was to talk, to distract, to be thought distress tolerance. Simple as. But instead I got put in the high security ward as I was a potential danger to myself. I cried and shouted and pleaded and begged, until this Doctor was left with no other option than to sedate me, and turn me into a deserving zombie. I fitted right in on that ward then. 

I was so angry at him. I felt let down by him. All I wanted to do was get relief from the hell going on inside my mind. I needed someone to explain what was happening to me. I needed validation that at that time suicide was the only coping method I possessed. 

So to get back to the present moment, I was taken aback when  this Dr strolled up to the podium and began talking. I had no idea he would be speaking. I got flashback of me, the bawling, screaming mess sitting in-front of him as he sent me 'down stairs'. Down to where the real crazies were.

 I wanted to yell at him "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME!" "DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW WRONG YOUR TREATMENT PLAN FOR ME WAS!!!!!" "STUPID IDIOT!"  I sat stewing in my anger for at least 15 mins. I couldn't take in a word of the lecture. 

Then suddenly, my WISE MIND kicked in. "He was only following procedure, he was doing his job. He didn't know the correct way to deal with an emotionally sensitive person. He was making sure I was safe. " 

My anger started to decrease slightly. I then reminded myself that I was not under his care and that I had a wonderfully supportive treatment team who specializes in treating BPD. I used OBSERVE to bring myself back into the present moment and really paid attention to what he was saying, letting all judgement flow through me. I then took out my hand cream from my DBT emergency kit and soothed myself back into calmness by gently massaging the cream into my skin. 

It was only on the bus on the way home that I reflected on my fantastically skillful evening. Who would have thought that the quivering wreck of a girl in that ward nearly 2 years ago would be able to mange her emotions in a such a skillful way! I really wanted to go up to the Consultant after the lecture, to show him how far I have come. I imagined the wonder and pride on his face and hoped he would feel humbled by my progress. Maybe I even wanted an apology from him. But once again my wise mind took the driving wheel and stirred me away from confrontation by asking what I really wanted from him.

I wanted validation and I know well enough now that looking for it from others is not as reliable as giving it to yourself. So one blog post and a very skilled evening later, here I am patting myself on the back, and forgiving myself for the chaos I created that faithful night 2 years ago. I didn't know any other way to manage my emotions. Thank God I do now. 

Distress Tolerance SELF SOOTHE Ideas

Distress.  It is impossible to avoid, no matter how charmed your life may be.  Emotional pain and distress are an inevitable part of life. Yeah, I was annoyed when I heard that first too. But even the Duchess of Cambridge has crap to deal with!  The inability to learn how to effectively cope with intense emotion and distress only leads to increased suffering. I found that using my senses to soothe my distress really helped me to tolerate the emotions which were troubling me, without having to use other people as that crutch to stabilize me.

The goal with self-soothing skills is to comfort yourself emotionally by doing things that are sensually pleasant and, most especially, not harmful. At the same time, focusing your full attention on sensory inputs — on what you are physically experiencing in the moment (mindfulness) usually will get people outside of their own heads (and away from troubling thoughts, feelings, and impulses).

Learning to relax and self-soothe is crucial to healthy emotional functioning.  When you are relaxed, your body is not in a constant state of “emergency,” preparing to fight or run away at any given moment.  Most importantly, your brain is much more capable of coming up with healthy ways of coping with distress when physically relaxed.

I find that having a self-soothe ‘box’ is my saving grace, having it ready and stocked with all the things that I know work for me. What works for me also changes depending on the emotion, for example when I am upset, hugging a teddy is a fantastic, yet when I am angry, having a long hot shower nearly always helps me calm down.

Recently I was brainstorming some new ideas for my box, I asked some wonderful friends in a DBT support group on facebook, and found that it was the best thing I could ever have done! Between us we came up with a list which can be used as a reference when trying to think of something to RELAX AND SELF SOOTHE when undergoing extreme distress.

The skills and techniques listed below are a starting point only. Everyone has to find what works for them, and it may even be things that are not on this list at all, but if you are stuck, try some and see if they work. A good way to orientate yourself to self soothe is to really and mindfully focus on your senses while using these. Not all these things fit into my 'box' but that's why I am writing this post, so I can look at it when I am in distress.

RELAX and SELF SOOTHE ideas! (Please feel free to add ideas in the comments, this list is a work in progress!)

• Try something little to begin with, such as using a nice moisturizer on your hands and face after you wash them, also face and hair masks are bliss. I've been trying to do this for the past few weeks and not only does it help me to feel as if I am WORTH looking after, it has also dramatically improved my skin tone etc... (Life worth living!)

• Curl up with a blanket wrapped around you and a teddy bear. This is great for when I'm feeling little and afraid or upset and tearful. I like lavender filled wheat bags, heated in the microwave and placed on my neck.... I do this regularly when I write! 

• Watch a favorite movie (that way you can zone out and don't have to concentrate) Something mindless or funny is even better! My personal choices are; Pride and Prejudice, Shrek, Beauty and the Best, Emma, Actually..... any of the period dramas! I love the dresses!

• When was the last time you took a moment to gaze at the ocean and just watch and listen to the waves hit the shore?  It can be a wonderfully mesmerizing and stress relieving experience.  How about watching an exquisite sunset, or the leaves on a tree blowing in the wind?  These experiences are natural stress relievers and can provide wonderful moments of tranquility.

• Do you have a favorite piece of clothing to wear, something you instantly feel safe and comforted when you put it on? I have a pair of old baggy battered velvet purple pajama bottoms. They are so old and raggity, but I can't get rid of them! And I like to wash them in a nice smelling washing powder that my Mom used to use.

• Candles are relaxing and scented candles are truly a plus.  Most people enjoy the soothing benefits of soft candle light combined with the pleasing scents that aromatherapy candles can provide. I personally love Yankee candles as they are strong and are inexpensive. I have a fireplace in my room which cannot be lit anymore, but I fill it with candles and have a little meditation session when I am stressed, always works a treat!

• The best way to self sooth myself, I find during extremely intense emotional experiences is to retreat to my bedroom, and put on a tried and trusted self compassion relaxation. It was introduced to me by the wonderful Amanda Smith from Hope for DBT.  Here is the link for the 15 min meditation; 

 Self compassion meditation for intense emotions

• I find that art and crafts has a very soothing effect on me, and while I was inpatient I learned about mandalas, which are a form of meditative art, although they have a spiritual aspect to them, I find simply coloring in the patterns so relaxing and creative. Here is a link to a site where you can download and print out some to have ready for when you need them.

Website for Mandalas

• Photography forces me into the present, I have to be mindful to my surroundings and almost get a sense of external perspective through the camera lens. So if I feel the urge to binge.... I grab my ready packed camera pack and head outside and snap away! Even looking at happy memories through old pictures helps me too, like of the time I went traveling, or my 21st party.

• As I suffer from an eating disorder, using my sense of taste can be hard, but I have bought some lollipops to suck when I am angry as for some reason they help! I also find going out for a hot milky drink soothing, I have hot chocolate since I gave up caffeine last month, especially from Starbucks!

• Music is my lifeline, always has been ever since I realized that I can use my voice to express my emotions when words fail me. I love to sing and play guitar. Classical music are art to me, so I have few pieces which always help me calm down, especially during exam stress or when I was grieving a loss. I have made a playlist on youtube, which I am not going to post on here because everyone has different tastes, but I will post a song, which I feel describes how important it is to validate your emotion.

Heathers - Forget Me Knots

• Finally, a good old fashioned hot bath or long hot shower will always bring me back to the present, relax my body and calm my mind

For a very good alternative explanation of SELF SOOTH go to dbtselfhelp.com , This site is my online bible!

Objective Self Compassion

So, after spending time in the south of Ireland with my sister (and the baby bump!) and brother-in-law, where my Mother lives with her new husband and his daughter, I am pleasantly relived. I was really worried about spending so much time with my family, as previous comparable experiences have resulted in vexing squabbles and quarrels. I understand now that my sensitive and highly emotive character can be very vulnerable to the criticisms and teasing which occurs within my family unit. Simply OBSERVING this helped me to muddle through the weekend. It also helped me to take a NON JUDGMENTAL STANCE towards myself, something which, until recently I have found incredibly difficult to do. Self compassion just was not something that I was able to accomplish before. A constant record was stuck on self hate in my mind. I believed that I was not deserving of compassion and was not allowed to give it to myself. One of the greatest lessons I am learning in therapy is the gift of self compassion. I am starting to treat myself as I would like to be treated by others, and also how I treat those around me, as I have a great ability to be compassionate to others, but am terrible when it comes to being kind to myself. 

I had so much time to think between the car journeys and early nights with little to do in the countryside. I astounded myself with a realization of how far I have really come in the last year. It hit me that it has been a year since I last attempted to end my life. Which when compared to the year before, is really an achievement. The reason I say this is because the accomplishment lays not just in the absence of suicidal actions, but the ability to now deal with and manage the same feelings and urges (which are still at the same intensity as before) with new, healthier coping mechanisms. I can truly say that I am proud of myself. 

This last week has been a real eye opener for me. I have had huge swings of intense emotions along with some really dangerous action urges. Instead of carrying though with the urge to end my life, I reached out for help, and most importantly; accepted the help I received. Of course it took a while for me to get my head around the acceptance part of this process, as you can tell from the posts on this blog from earlier in the week!!! 

I have an open mind about the upcoming admission. I really think it will help me figure out some of my current problems. I will hopefully have a good team of people around me to keep me regulated. And I also have this wonderful outlet, my own form of personal form of therapy. My blog is another gift I received this past year. Writing is the best way for me to find objectivity during difficult situations, where due to my intense emotions my judgement is often compromised. 

I am so grateful for all my readers too, as you always offer such sound feedback, and often make suggestions which have helped me to act in more efficient ways with more successful outcomes.

DEARMAN Success with Therapist

Love this Meme!

Maybe it's the increased dose of Fluoxetine (Prozac), maybe it's not, but whatever the reason I am feeling lighter this week. I am not beleaguered by the familiar and frantic suicidal thoughts, urges, plans. My ability to stay out of trouble is surprising me. I have not binged/purged much this week, even though all the normal triggers are there. The urge is also still there, but I find myself able to resist the need to act on it. 

I had my individual therapy session today after a 2 week gap. It was because my therapist had to cancel one session due to the illness of her child and then was away on training straight after. I was deeply disjointed over  the abrupt phone call from her that day to say she had to postpone our meeting for 14 days. My immediate thoughts were; "She doesn't care about you" "Once again, you are not important" "She is glad to not have to see you" and so on....

I was really super emotional for at least 2 days after and to be honest, have only come back down to an even base level on the topic this week. Hence why I can only really describe it all on this blog now. I got some excellent support from the recovery network online, and was advised to write down how I was feeling. Which I did! 

I used it an an opportunity to practice the INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS skill DEARMAN. Here's what I wrote:

On Thursday 16th Feb you regrettably had to cancel our therapy session at the last minute due to the unfortunate sickness of your daughter. I felt disappointed that my appointment with you was cancelled. I had put a lot of work into DBT last week, and felt that I really needed to discuss it with you. I was and am very scared that you will be away for training and then away on holiday. I also feel upset in myself that I am so dependent on our session each week.

I understand that you had no other choice but to attend to your daughter who was sick, and wouldn't have wanted you to do anything other than collect her as she was unwell. I guess the reason I feel the need to write to you is that I think a back-up plan might need to be put into place for if/when this happens again as it is not the first time that you have had to cancel our sessions. I also feel that the gaps in therapy are really affecting my ability to sustain a constant motivation for DBT. Yet I totally understand they need to happen sometimes, we all need a holiday! None-the-less I feel very scared knowing that gaps are coming up.

With support to fill in the gaps when you are away I feel that I could continue with the DBT skills rather than feeling alone and unable to cope. Perhaps there is someone I could call within the service when you are unavailable that understands and is able to offer coaching in the skills?

At the moment I feel like I have no concrete support in my day to day life outside of DBT, and although we are working towards me becoming better able to deal with this, and I look forward to the day that I will be able to cope on my own, I am simply not there yet. This is why having these gaps are scaring me so much. I would like to further problem solve this difficulty in our next session.

Kind regards

Many people over the years have told me about the benefits of writing out a letter to someone about a difficult situation, And I always poo-pooed the idea, thinking it was a load of cod-ology. But I take that back. After minutes of writing this, I almost instantly felt a sense of relief, and as I found my self reading over and over it, noticed how nice it was to be compassionate to my emotions, to validate them as real and not react in way that I was ashamed of.

In the end I did not send or even show this letter to my therapist, as I felt much calmer and understanding after having the 2 weeks to evaluate everything. We came to an agreement about how to solve this problem should it ever arise again. I suggested that we E-mail each other, as I am much more comfortable with that then phoning for skills coaching. This way I always feel that I can turn to her for support, even if she can not get back to me straight away.

I am proud of how well I managed the situation, and happy that I now know I have other options rather than flying off the handle and ending up in A&E, just to feel validated. THIS is a BIG step for me. Long may it last!