Friday, 27 January 2012

Panicked and afraid

I came out of my one to one therapy session yesterday feeling utterly ashamed of myself. I am a fraud, a fake, an undistinguished manipulator, who's sole aim is to gain attention and pity from those who are only trying to help me. I can't cope with life. My miserable and  shameful life. I have no clue who I am, and the scary thing is that don't think I want to find out. I am terrified that when I find out who I am, I won't like the real me.

It's better to be unwell, and use that excuse to explain my horrible personality than to accept that ultimately this may be who I am and that I choose to behave the way I do. I am so afraid of myself.

I found myself calling a suicide hotline last night and wondering if I would ever have the courage to go through with it, but I am too weak. That is the conclusion I came to, that my drive is there, but I am to scared to really go through with it. Its like a marathon runner who has trained for their entire life for a big race. The have the ability and the drive to run, but the day before they break their foot and can't go through with it because they physically can't.

Today I panicked again. I need answers to the hazy questions circulating in my mind. I didn't go to work and instead festered in bed with my unwashed thoughts.  I don't care about anything. I didn't even pick up my social welfare payment this week. I am back to thinking about starvation and attention seeking.

I called my Doctors office not to long ago knowing full well that my therapist was out of the office today and couldn't call me back. Now I am waiting for a call back from some randomer and I have no clue what to tell them about why I called. All I know is that my insides are screaming in silent agony with confusion and guilt and that I am terrified of myself.

Why did I call? It was an instinctual reaction to the emotional pain. My head wants me to be devious and secretive yet also wants to let others know when I am hurting too. As if by sharing the hurt that it will somehow soften it and justify its reality. But the instant I open my mouth it won't let me explain it in a way that gets me any help.

Oh I am not making much sense I know, and I am also well aware that this blog has taken a radical turn from recovery to something much more dark and disturbing and I really am sorry about that.

Just off the phone with the on-call doctor there. He was nice, but detached and was reading my notes as we spoke. We agreed that I must put in place my distress tolerance skills and reminded me that these feelings rarely last... so in the words of Marsha.... I must ride the wave of the emotion.... I fucking hate surfing. Could never stand up on the board and always got thrown off into the white thunderous water. But she tends to be more wise than me when I am feeling like this so I'm off to self soothe in a hot shower and wash away the dirt of my anxiety, then I will paint my nails and paint a half smile on my face in order to ride out this period. 


  1. I actually think it takes greater strength to NOT kill yourself... and I'm speaking as someone's who's contemplated it... and has lost a friend to it (in November 2010).

    I think it's good you called a hotline... I think that's advocating for yourself... and shows that some part of you thinks you're worth life... you're worth living.

    I'm not always that great with urge surfing either... Especially when the "waves" get rockier and more frequent... but you know what? it may have been hard yesterday, it may be hard today, and it may be hard tomorrow... but eventually it WILL get easier. just like anything else.

  2. Hello Kat, Thanks for stopping by little blog and for your kind words. You have no idea how much they mean to me. At times like these I often find myself on your webpage reading how you would deal with a similar situation. You are a great inspiration to me and to all going through DBT.

    I get what you mean by it taking more strength not to carry through with suicide as it can be seen as the easy way out of a solvable solution, but I find my motivation wavering recently with regards to skill use, as if it just isn't working fast enough for me. Message me anytime if you need to get anything off your chest.

    Your Irish friend xxx

  3. I'm sorry you're struggling so much <3
    I truly am.
    You deserve to not have to *ride out* an emotion but to be able to feel it, hold it and let it go.
    You will get there.
    Just a word on the quotes...
    Suicide an be idealised a little too much so my advice would to not post the quotes or focus on quotes on suicide because more often then not they comfort you more and make suicide a more available option.
    I say this from experience and from someone who has attempted suicide twice.
    There is too much, oh it is a way out aspect to them <3

  4. Thats the thing Rach, those quotes do help comfort me because right now I fail to find the words to explain how real this emotional pain is, but I also get your point that it is an idealistic notion. I have been here so so so so many times before and have vowed never to let myself slip this deep. After my last attempt in May 2011, I came so close, and then came back, only to realise that a little bit of me really didnt want to die, yet couldnt continue on living in such despair. Thats when I fought for treatment, and demanded DBT, because I knew nothing else would work. Now that my motivation is failing to continue with treatment, I am right back in the pit of blackness that engulfed me in May. I feel like a hipocrite, and even contimplated closing this blog down, as i dont want to missleed anyone..,...

    1. You are not misleading anyone.
      I just know that as comforting as those quotes are, they don't help.
      A drink is comforting to an alcoholic, doesn't mean it will lessen their pain <3

  5. I could totally relate to this blog entry. Among other things, I berate myself for not being courageous enough for suicide. My therapist is teaching me about self-compassion. As I read your entry, I noticed how hard you are on yourself. How much you judge your own feelings. I am learning that you must validate your feelings before you can consider changing them. Judging them invalidates your very own life experience.

    I recognize your shame, your fear, your pain. And I honor the fact that you are self-aware enough to recognize those emotions. Now, we both need to practice our self-compassion!


    1. Hello Sandy,

      Thank you ever so much for taking the time to read my blog and for your kind words. I am very hard on myself, you are right Self compassion is something i really find difficult to get my head around.

      Best of luck on your journey. xxx