From the outside, I must seem to be doing 'well'. I'm eating 'well', I'm sleeping 'well', I'm behaving 'well', my relationship with my boyfriend is going 'well'. But inside I don't feel quite so 'well' at all.
I've been avoiding things, really important things. I blew off an appointment with my therapist last week and still haven't gotten in touch with her. I know how rude it is, but I don't know how to tell her I have no excuse as to why I didn't turn up. I honestly don't know why I decided not to turn up. I want to make up some big elaborate excuse to hide my shame, but that will only make me feel worse. I will go with my tail between my legs and be honest to her.
I have been avoiding opening letters too. I have a big phone bill I can't afford to pay and I know it's only going to get worse, logically I understand that avoiding contacting the company will only intensify the problem and heighten my fear. I am a reasonable person. Normally. I have kept all this from my family and boyfriend. They think I am doing really 'well'.
I even went away to the west of Ireland last week. And put on a brave face and let everyone think I had a great time.
I DID actually briefly enjoy myself towards the end of the trip though. We took a boat out to see the rugged coastline. The scenery was fantastic, beautifully calming. The majestic cliffs were heart-soothing and the salty fresh air woke my awareness back up. The sunsets reminded me how powerful Mother Nature is to renewing the soul.
So although things are not so 'well' inside my mind, being MINDFUL to my surroundings helped DISTRACT, renew, SOOTHE, and ACCEPT things as they are. And that's about all I can manage for now.
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