Pros & Cons of Tolerating Distress

I will keep this short. I have been putting off doing this for so long. It's fairly self explanatory in it's title, but the problems lies in ACTUALLY doing it. I have been avoiding doing this for my target behaviors for months now, so here it goes! I am only able to do one for the moment, but I have five behaviors I need to do this for!

Target behavior #1 - Binging. 

Resisting binge.

• PROS:

1. Feeling of accomplishment over skill use.
2. Saves money.
3. Healthier body and mind.
4. I eat to give myself MORE energy. When I become too full, I LOSE that energized feeling.
5. I might be able to change my state of mind and continue my life normally without putting on excess weight
6. I will learn to experience the distress and deal with it in time.
7. Feeling of self control.

• CONS:

1. I will feel the emotion I want to avoid. I wouldn't feel the 'food high'
2. I will be irritable.
3. I will feel deprived.

Giving into urge to binge.

• PROS

1. Instant relaxation.
2. Comforted.
3. Get medical attention
4. Escape emotional suffering momentary.

• CONS

1. Will trigger an urge to purge.
2. Waste of food/money.
3. Weight gain.
4. Self hatred
5. Only hurts me, pain, digestive issues.
6. Does not solve problem

Target behavior #2 - Purging


Resisting purge.

• PROS

1. Will keep the nourishment from the food.
2. Will learn to deal and manage 'full' feeling.
3. Will give myself a chance to use DBT skills.

• CONS

1. I will feel very high anxiety.
2. I will feel dirty, lazy, ugly, fat.
3. I will have to sit with the distress, and feel all the food in my stomach.

Giving into urge to purge.

• PROS

1. Get 'rid' of food and not gain weight.
2. It is a quick and easy way to get the food out.
3. I feel in control.
4. I know my stomach is empty.
5. Its a way to punish myself for negative thoughts/behavior.

• CONS

1. Will damage teeth.
2. Does not get rid of all of the calories.
3. Makes me feel week from dehydration.
4. Dizziness and headaches.
5. Heart palpitations.
6. Gives me spots, dry skin and causes my hair to fall out.
7. Sleep issues.
8. After a few days - swelling in legs
9. Constipation.
10. Reduced appetite which will lead to further foody behavior 

Dance of Life... ZUMBA vs BALLET

Yes you read that right... I went Zumba dancing this morning! Finally a form of exercise where curves actually HELP you get fit! Apart from the fact I am far too 'white' for this class, I found I wore a gentle smile for most of the class. I struggle to recall the last time I smiled so unenforceable and with such genuine enthusiasm. It reminded me of happier times.

Dancing has been part of life for as long as I can remember. These memories are both sweet and sour as any classical dancer will dearly  understand. Being tall and awkward did me no favors in Ballet, and compounded my body hatred, yet the freedom that comes from dancing is hard to express in words. It was an emotional release for me.

In terms of size and shape, my dance class was like a school classroom; there were girls of all different weights and sizes, gifts and talents. There were the tall girls like me,  shorter ones,  skinny girls and larger ones, and then the spot in the middle average girls... the list goes on. When we were younger, we were the size we were  due to hereditary inheritances and the lifestyle we have grown up with. But as we got older, we  became more aware of size and shape, and then constantly worried more and more about it. 

It wasn't easy developing before my classmates, and having to strip off to tights and a leotard certainly made me feel worse. I was put at the back of the class because of my height, and I remember staring at the small frames in front of me, still petite and childlike, and compared my budding breasts and forming hips to theirs. I thought I was fat. No-one told me it was normal, if just a bit early for a girl's body to change that way. I still felt like a child, but looked like a woman and it affected my self esteem drastically.  Did it give me my disorder? the long and short of it is no, but it didn't help me to feel good about my body.

For all the negative aspects to ballet, I still loved it. I was good at it too, passed all my exams and preformed in shows. Not only did it keep me fit, but it stimulated my creative nature and mind. At one stage I was dancing 4 days a week. I would dream of it at night, and made good friends from it. Dancing is a unique form of exercise because it provides the heart-healthy benefits of an aerobic exercise while also allowing you to engage in a social activity. It is also especially stimulating to the mind, and one 21-year study published in the New England Journal of Medicine (Click here for the full link) even found dancing can reduce the risk of Alzheimer's disease and other forms of dementia in the elderly!

This morning brought back the positive internal feeling I loved as a child when I danced, and along with all the benefits listed below, I had fun! 

Why dance? Here's why!

 1. It gives strength to the lungs and the heart.

2. It strengthens the body's muscles.

3. It minimizes the chances of the disease osteoporoses as it makes the bones stronger.

4. It increases the flexibility, agility and the coordination in the body.

5. It increases the spatial awareness. 

6. It enhances physical confidence.

7. It enhances the functionality of mind and the nervous system.

8. It enhances the expenditure of energy and its flow in the body.

9. It can help you loose/maintain weight.

10. It enhances overall well being.

11. It increases levels of self-esteem and confidence.

12. It improves your social-life

So go dance. Go BUILD A LIFE WORTH LIVING!.

RADICAL SELF ACCEPTANCE

If I let myself, I may start to believe that the magazine cover girls (whose photos are air-brushed and trimmed in, mind you!) are the norm and that the rest of us are somehow deeply flawed. What I get then is the soundtrack of "I hate myself" or "I hate what I see in the mirror" playing over and over again in my head, fuelling my endless dieting cycles and painful frustration.

If I am to have any measure of success, it is crucial that I permanently press stop on that soundtrack and work to genuinely accept my size and, by extension, myself. For someone who has been listening to this self-disgust soundtrack forever, size acceptance is pretty scary. Does accepting yourself the way you are imply that change may be impossible? 

What I am trying to say is that; denial is not acceptance. Rather, self-acceptance means adopting a NON-JUDGEMENTAL STANCE toward yourself. It's the ability to see things as they are in the moment without harmful, self-critical voices interrupting your view of yourself.  Self-acceptance is instrumental to reaching your healthy, natural weight. Size-acceptance means focusing on the things you like about yourself while working to modify what you don't like.

This process is at the core of the dialectic of CHANGE/ACCEPTANCE. If I get back to a DBT skill of weighing up the PRO'S and CON'S of tolerating distress, I must ask; "How well has not liking myself worked so far?"  The truth is, it hasn't. In fact, if I dislike my body, it's that much easier for me to abuse it.

If I try to apply this to my own life and situation, I feel less able to be as practical as is needed to fully commit to this. Maybe the skill TURNING THE MIND might be of use here as I prepare myself for acceptance of my body. I must turn my mind towards accepting the reality that my natural weight and size are not what I feel they should be. I am not part of the 5% of women who are long, lean and have model measurements. Therefore I must commit to choosing that my reality is that I have hips and broad shoulders which are all part of being a woman.

I am not happy with my legs, they are riddled with varicose veins and often retain water. That is a fact. Starving myself is not going to change it. So for today, I am making a commitment to RADICALY ACCEPT that these things are part of me, I may not like them, nor say that I am happy about them, but they are there.