DBT Skills for Romantic Relationships

For a very long time I thought I wouldn't ever be able to be part of a healthy romantic relationship. It's often seen a huge trigger for those of us with an emotional vulnerability, and it very often can be. But I soon learnt that having a mental illness does not have to be a reason to avoid being in a relationship. A mental illness may cause more stress and require more work, but having a successful relationship is not impossible. There are few things I had to really work on so my current relationship (of over a year!) could work.

Before I could be in a relationship and worry about another person, I had to prioritize my own health. My current boyfriend actually asked me out a year before we officially started dating, but I was still in DBT and quite unwell. So I decided to wait until I was finished formal therapy and had learnt the DBT skills to help me manage my emotions before I agreed to be in a relationship with him. Luckily he was still around when I finally was in the right place. I'm only going to mention a few DBT skills here to demonstrate how I manage my emotions in relation to how we make things work in our relationship, but there are lots and lots more!

Number 1. PLEASE

Staying on top of any medication I've been prescribed and taking care of my physical health -- exercising, eating well and avoiding alcohol or drugs, is the best thing I can do to regulate my emotions; and therefore the best thing I can do for our relationship. Avoiding alcohol has been a great way of staying present in stressful situations like nights out or large gatherings, where I have had emotional outbursts in the past due to feeling out of control, leading to arguments and behaviours I am not proud of.

Sleep is a difficult one as it can be difficult to get quality sleep for me at the best of times and when he stays over it's even more challenging. I only have a small bed so we inevitably end up elbowing each other in face! If we were to move in with each other, a big bed would be a must!

Number 2. NON JUDGEMENTALLY

Staying non judgemental is *sooooo* important to keeping our relationship healthy. Being non judgemental helps to get my point across in an effective manner without adding a judgement that my partner might disagree with. When I practice this skill, I can look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation which allows me to respond to them effectively and not lash out in an emotional way.

Believe me, there are plenty of times I am still judgemental. It's a constant effort. We all live with preconceived notions of what's right and wrong, and the minute someone or something doesn't fit our bill of perfection we become judgemental and that affects the way we say things and the things we do.

I practice non-judgementally by OBSERVING my thought patterns. Like all of DBT, this skill requires a few others to make it really work. This might seem hard to do at first, but once you get used to catching your thoughts in ‘judgemental mode’ you can then start to stop them.

I try to develop an understanding of my partner by thinking about why he acts, talks, dresses or just is a certain way. I put myself in his shoes and wonder why his behaviour has emerged. If I want further understanding, I strike a polite (I emphasize polite) conversation using the skills GIVE or DEARMAN.

Once an understanding has been created in my mind of my partners action, acceptance of him just as he is becomes easier. I can accept that this is the way he will react, cause its the way he is made up. There will most certainly always be things we don't agree with, but that doesn't mean I cant accept his presence in the world. When you accept, frustration that leads to judgement takes an automatic back-seat.

On a final note, relationships are hard! They are difficult whether you have an emotional vulnerability or not and require lots of hard work to make them last, and there are so many more things that we need to work on in our relationship, but I have to say that, it's so worth it and really contributes to my life worth living!

DEARMAN Success with Therapist

Love this Meme!

Maybe it's the increased dose of Fluoxetine (Prozac), maybe it's not, but whatever the reason I am feeling lighter this week. I am not beleaguered by the familiar and frantic suicidal thoughts, urges, plans. My ability to stay out of trouble is surprising me. I have not binged/purged much this week, even though all the normal triggers are there. The urge is also still there, but I find myself able to resist the need to act on it. 

I had my individual therapy session today after a 2 week gap. It was because my therapist had to cancel one session due to the illness of her child and then was away on training straight after. I was deeply disjointed over  the abrupt phone call from her that day to say she had to postpone our meeting for 14 days. My immediate thoughts were; "She doesn't care about you" "Once again, you are not important" "She is glad to not have to see you" and so on....

I was really super emotional for at least 2 days after and to be honest, have only come back down to an even base level on the topic this week. Hence why I can only really describe it all on this blog now. I got some excellent support from the recovery network online, and was advised to write down how I was feeling. Which I did! 

I used it an an opportunity to practice the INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS skill DEARMAN. Here's what I wrote:

On Thursday 16th Feb you regrettably had to cancel our therapy session at the last minute due to the unfortunate sickness of your daughter. I felt disappointed that my appointment with you was cancelled. I had put a lot of work into DBT last week, and felt that I really needed to discuss it with you. I was and am very scared that you will be away for training and then away on holiday. I also feel upset in myself that I am so dependent on our session each week.

I understand that you had no other choice but to attend to your daughter who was sick, and wouldn't have wanted you to do anything other than collect her as she was unwell. I guess the reason I feel the need to write to you is that I think a back-up plan might need to be put into place for if/when this happens again as it is not the first time that you have had to cancel our sessions. I also feel that the gaps in therapy are really affecting my ability to sustain a constant motivation for DBT. Yet I totally understand they need to happen sometimes, we all need a holiday! None-the-less I feel very scared knowing that gaps are coming up.

With support to fill in the gaps when you are away I feel that I could continue with the DBT skills rather than feeling alone and unable to cope. Perhaps there is someone I could call within the service when you are unavailable that understands and is able to offer coaching in the skills?

At the moment I feel like I have no concrete support in my day to day life outside of DBT, and although we are working towards me becoming better able to deal with this, and I look forward to the day that I will be able to cope on my own, I am simply not there yet. This is why having these gaps are scaring me so much. I would like to further problem solve this difficulty in our next session.

Kind regards

Many people over the years have told me about the benefits of writing out a letter to someone about a difficult situation, And I always poo-pooed the idea, thinking it was a load of cod-ology. But I take that back. After minutes of writing this, I almost instantly felt a sense of relief, and as I found my self reading over and over it, noticed how nice it was to be compassionate to my emotions, to validate them as real and not react in way that I was ashamed of.

In the end I did not send or even show this letter to my therapist, as I felt much calmer and understanding after having the 2 weeks to evaluate everything. We came to an agreement about how to solve this problem should it ever arise again. I suggested that we E-mail each other, as I am much more comfortable with that then phoning for skills coaching. This way I always feel that I can turn to her for support, even if she can not get back to me straight away.

I am proud of how well I managed the situation, and happy that I now know I have other options rather than flying off the handle and ending up in A&E, just to feel validated. THIS is a BIG step for me. Long may it last!