Great Expectations

Blogging for Well-being - Advent Blog - 2nd December

Christmas is a special time of the year for us all. It's especially a time for family gatherings and while it may be wonderful to get together and mark the passing of another year there can be many stresses about it too.

Christmas is also a time for remembering and while for many their memories of past Christmas' are filled with joy for others these memories may not be as happy. If this is the case for you it may influence how you approach planning for Christmas

We human beings are always "expecting." In other words, we are always having expectations. Lots of expectations. Some we are consciously aware of. Many others, we are not.

Expectations are always there, however, in the background of our daily experiences. Whether we are attuned to them or whether we are oblivious to them--which too often is the case--our expectations come into play in a multitude of subtle ways.

Why focus on expectations? The main reason is that expectations are a common source of stress in our lives. They frequently create all sorts of mischief, including emotional distress, relationship conflicts, communication breakdowns, misunderstandings, distrust, and a wide range of other common problems.

Expectations produce stress in two main ways. One is that they are frequently untrue or unrealistic. The other is that most of the time, we are completely unaware of them. Individual expectations are not very complicated. They often consist of simple ideas such as "life should be fair," "people should be honest," etc. It's the fact they are hidden from our view that gives them so much power over us.

Many of my emotionally dysregulated periods have been because I have expected something that may have been unrealistic, and when people or situations don’t live up to my expectations coupled with a less than mindful approach, I become very disappointed and upset, causing my emotions to fluctuate and spiral out of control.

When we consciously or unconsciously harbor expectations that are much too high, we set ourselves up for failure. As a result, we end up feeling frustrated, angry, and personally demoralized.

Once you become aware of an untrue or unrealistic expectation; YOU gain the power to free yourself from it.

It's really just that simple. But "simple" doesn't always mean "easy"--unless, that is, you have the expectation that it does! It's one thing to become aware of your unconscious expectations. It's quite another to know which ones are realistic and which ones aren't. This takes wisdom, yet most people have far more wisdom than they usually give themselves credit for.

Social and personal expectations are a major source of holiday stress. The holiday season is not a happy time for everyone. Yet we all tend to feel compelled to look and feel merry during this time.

The mass media and happy Hollywood movies fuel these expectations. If you are single, alone, or recently divorced or separated, the social pressures at this time of year can be quite stressful. Similarly, we all have expectations of how our friends and family members should behave during the holidays. When these expectations are not met, stress and interpersonal conflicts can easily arise.

All families experience tension to some degree. But there is a DBT skill that may help you; I know last year it really aided me. COPE AHEAD. Part of the reason why Christmas time can be so stressful is the unrealistic expectation of coming together as a happy family on this one day of the year. Suggestions for coping ahead with Christmas include:

1. Keep realistic expectations. If your relatives tend to fight throughout the year, they will most likely fight on Christmas Day as well. 
2. Appreciate that everyone is under stress to a certain degree. For example, one relative may have worked overtime to get everything done before their office closed for Christmas, and may be feeling exhausted and harried. Another may be anxious because they overspent on their credit cards. Be as understanding as you can of people's situations. 
3. Consider breaking up the celebrations to keep 'warring factions' apart. For example, you could see one group of relations on Christmas Eve and another on Christmas Day. 
4. Family members involved in after-lunch activities (such as a walk by the sea) are less likely to get into arguments. Plan for something to do as a group after lunch if necessary. 
5. Use relaxation techniques, distraction and group activities to help steer around stressful situations. 
6. Avoid overindulging in alcohol – the reduced inhibitions could contribute to (or cause) an unnecessary argument. 

Be MINDFUL of your emotions and feelings today and over the next few weeks, and don’t let your expectations rule your enjoyment of what can be a very happy time of year. It's all part of creating a LIFE WORTH LIVING.

Scared Shitless

Today started out with scary thoughts, insidious negative thoughts which infested my mind. I have a social welfare inspection tomorrow morning. I am so unbelievably scared. I have canceled this appointment so many times already. I even let her turn up to an empty house on Tuesday as I chickened out last minute and fled, pretending that I didn't know about the meeting.

Why I am so terrified? I have no idea. I cannot for the life of me figure out a plausible reason. I did a chain analysis on the event on Tuesday. I am stilled at a lose. So all I can conclude is that my fear does not fit the facts. But this annoys me, this fear is so real to me. I can't just will it away by standing up straight and acting as if nothing is wrong. 

I am confused as to what skill to use for tomorrow. I have tried COPE AHEAD by getting as much documentation gather as I can.I have a letter from my landlady, a letter from the bank and asked for a letter from my therapist.

Other than that I just don't know what else to do! I think I will go hide in my nest of a bed until the time comes that I have to leave its safety!

Distress Tolerance IMPROVE Imagery - Safe Place

Jack's Hole Beach, Co. Wicklow, Ireland

The first letter in the anagram IMPROVE stands for IMAGERY. 

I personally like to build a safe place inside my mind, when I am doing well and NOT in distress. This way I have a ready made place to retreat to when I need to escape a crisis or distressing situation, and I do not have to think too much about it.

There is a beach in Co. Wicklow, Ireland where I was brought to as a child during the summertime. It is a private access cove where only residents can gain admittance to its gloriously sandy shore. Luckily a close family friend lived near the entrance and allowed us to park in on their property. I felt so safe there, it was nearly always empty, and the water was clear and clean. There were no scary caves or strange fish. My mother would allow me the day off school if the weather was unseasonably warm and we would drive the hour journey down south towards my coastal heaven. It is where some of my most treasured memories were made. This is my setting for my safe place visualization.

I find this a great way to gain a moments respite from intense emotion. I like that I can do this anywhere, anytime, on the bus, in a busy shop (I find the dressing rooms a good place to practice it). I also like to sit in a quite church  but in reality, this can be used in any situation. Even 3am in the morning!

Try the little script below to help you build a safe place in your own mind.

Allow yourself to create a place of safety and peace that is always yours, always safe…. And breathe in the safety. And breathe out the fear. And breathe in the safety. And breathe out the fear…. As you breathe in, you can even smell the smells of safety…. Perhaps salty air, or the sweet smell of a flower…. Breathe in the smells of your safe place. It’s so safe here that you can even taste it as you lick your lips. Let yourself bask in the safety and the peace…. Allow yourself to walk around, to be in this place, to notice more and more, to create more and more in this place…. Perhaps you would like to build a shelter of some kind, a cottage, a tent, a tree house. And if it’s already there, you may add to it…. Plant flowers, adding a splash of color. Add special places or rooms to your safe place…. Create anything that you would like. [Long pause.] Create special places for special kinds of feelings that need to be healed, special places to wash away fear and pain…. Create a waterfall or a pool of healing water. Stand under the waterfall to wash away the fear…. Let the healing waters wash away what you’d like to be finished with. Each time you come to the waterfall or the healing pool of water, you can wash away more and more of the past…. Each time you come, you are cleansed and rejuvenated, the shame is washed away. Wash away the pain. Wash all of it away, as you are ready. [Long pause.] When you are finished, step out of the water and you will find a robe or a towel to dry and warm yourself.

Now allow yourself to continue walking around your safe place…. You find a place for a healing garden, a place that is just for your healing. You can plant anything you would like…. You can plant wishes and

dreams for the future. You can plant seeds of your healing. And you can weed out what you want to be finished with. Take some time to work with your garden now. [Long pause.]

And now, find your favorite place in all of safety. Walk around until you find just the right place. [Long pause.] Sit down, and get comfortable…. Breathe in the safety and the peace. Breathe out the fear…. Breathe in the safety and peace. Breathe out the fear…. Breathe in the safety and peace. Breathe out the fear…. And just be in this place as you breathe and heal…. Stay in this place as long as you would like…. And when you are ready, simply count yourself out by counting from one to five. When you reach the number five, your eyes will open. And you will be awake and alert, and feeling safe and at peace. One…. Two…. Three. Take a deep breath…. Four…. And five.

Pros & Cons of Tolerating Distress

I will keep this short. I have been putting off doing this for so long. It's fairly self explanatory in it's title, but the problems lies in ACTUALLY doing it. I have been avoiding doing this for my target behaviors for months now, so here it goes! I am only able to do one for the moment, but I have five behaviors I need to do this for!

Target behavior #1 - Binging. 

Resisting binge.

• PROS:

1. Feeling of accomplishment over skill use.
2. Saves money.
3. Healthier body and mind.
4. I eat to give myself MORE energy. When I become too full, I LOSE that energized feeling.
5. I might be able to change my state of mind and continue my life normally without putting on excess weight
6. I will learn to experience the distress and deal with it in time.
7. Feeling of self control.

• CONS:

1. I will feel the emotion I want to avoid. I wouldn't feel the 'food high'
2. I will be irritable.
3. I will feel deprived.

Giving into urge to binge.

• PROS

1. Instant relaxation.
2. Comforted.
3. Get medical attention
4. Escape emotional suffering momentary.

• CONS

1. Will trigger an urge to purge.
2. Waste of food/money.
3. Weight gain.
4. Self hatred
5. Only hurts me, pain, digestive issues.
6. Does not solve problem

Target behavior #2 - Purging


Resisting purge.

• PROS

1. Will keep the nourishment from the food.
2. Will learn to deal and manage 'full' feeling.
3. Will give myself a chance to use DBT skills.

• CONS

1. I will feel very high anxiety.
2. I will feel dirty, lazy, ugly, fat.
3. I will have to sit with the distress, and feel all the food in my stomach.

Giving into urge to purge.

• PROS

1. Get 'rid' of food and not gain weight.
2. It is a quick and easy way to get the food out.
3. I feel in control.
4. I know my stomach is empty.
5. Its a way to punish myself for negative thoughts/behavior.

• CONS

1. Will damage teeth.
2. Does not get rid of all of the calories.
3. Makes me feel week from dehydration.
4. Dizziness and headaches.
5. Heart palpitations.
6. Gives me spots, dry skin and causes my hair to fall out.
7. Sleep issues.
8. After a few days - swelling in legs
9. Constipation.
10. Reduced appetite which will lead to further foody behavior 

Regular Eating Pattern

I am having a rough time with my BULIMIA this week, but really, I don't want to dwell on negativity and destructive behaviors in this post. You are an intelligent reader and hence I assume you can understand what devastating effects an eating disorder has on anyone unlucky enough to suffer from one, without the need for me to point out the finite and mostly dirty details. 

Instead, I want the spotlight of this late-night post to shine on a combination of resources which can be used to combat the BINGE/PURGE cycle. I am not saying that I have mastered them all, far from it, but I have tried some with great success. And the way I look at it, at least trying some of these suggestions has to be better than continuing to destroy my body and mind with self-inflicted agony.

The first thing I have (tried) to do is introduce a pattern of regular eating. It is the single most important element of overcoming Bulimia in my opinion. Its different for everyone, but for me it means containing my eating to three planned meals a day plus three planned snacks between main meals. By eating this way it displaces the urge to and action to binge. My approx daily plan looks like this:

 8.00 A.M.: Breakfast

10.30 A.M.: Morning Snack

12.30 P.M.: Lunch

 3.00: P.M.: Afternoon Snack

 6.30: P.M.: Dinner

 9.30: P.M.: Evening Snack

I have left no more than 3.5 hours between meals/snacks as I know that that is my limit when trying to curb binges, and also the ideal time frame to  master EMOTION REGULATION. Any longer and I turn into the wicked witch of the west. Fact. Although this is set in stone, and has to be for my recovery, I do change it up a bit a weekends and if I am out and about at a commitment. Sorry therapist, I have a life. I try my hardest, (but don't always succeed) to not skip any meals or snacks though.

Where possible I do make eating my number one priority each day. My food diary and meal plan also take time, but I realize the importance of monitoring my food intake and being mindful to my emotions around food. I try to plan, plan and plan to plan! This includes having ample amounts of my "safe" foods in the house such as oats, fruit, skim-milk and rye bread. I am comfortable with these foods. I tend to plan the night before what I will eat the next day and jot down some ideas on my food diary. For example, tomorrow I am having Salmon, peppers and quiona for dinner.

I also restrict eating to the kitchen table or sitting room. Never my bedroom. Crumby bed sheets are really not attractive. I try to eat at a table which is out of arm's reach of further supplies of food. And while it might be tempting, and I am so guilty of not following this one, It is important to focus on eating and not distract with TV or internet. 

Limiting my amount of "trigger food" by not having any in the house it a safe bet to stop me impulse bingeing  So I plan my shopping, make a list and stick to it. 

The best thing I find to do when that niggle of an urge comes on me is to get out of the house and not take ANY money with me, and stay out until the urge goes away. This really is my 'go-to' STOP method. But everyone will have something different.

Early Rising Plan

'yum! Morning worms are far better than late ones'

I’m inspired by the Dalai Lama, who said, ” Everyday, think as you wake up, ‘today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.’ “

Coffee Coffee Coffee

Amazing start. I start my day by jumping out of bed, late as usual, and rushing to get myself ready, never fully feeling present. I sulky walk into work, looking rumpled and barely awake, grumpy and behind everyone else. Not a great start to the day. I am sick of my broken morning routine. Its no wonder that all I feel like doing is crawling back into bed and snoozing for the day.

Quietude is the main reason I want to become an early riser. No neighbours kids yelling, no babies crying, no echoes, no cars, no television noise. The early morning hours are so peaceful, so quiet. It’s my favourite time of day. I truly enjoy that time of peace, that time to myself, when I can think, when I can read, when I can breathe.

Why do I want to subject myself to the wee hours? Simple. Sunrise. People (Me!) who wake late miss one of the greatest feats of nature, repeated in full stereovision each and every day — the rise of the sun. I love how the day slowly gets brighter, when the midnight blue turns to lighter blue, when the brilliant colours start to seep into the sky, when nature is painted in incredible colours. I want to start doing my early morning run during at this time, and I look up at the sky as I run and say to the world, “What a glorious day!”

Rise early and I actually have time for breakfast. I’m told it’s one of the most important meals of the day. Without breakfast, your body is running on fumes until you are so hungry at lunchtime that you eat whatever unhealthy thing you can find. The fattier and sugarier, the betterier. But eat breakfast, and you are sated until later. Plus, eating breakfast while reading my book and drinking my coffee in the quiet of the morning is eminently more enjoyable than scarfing something down on the way to work, or at your desk. It helps to regulate my mood, and sets me up for a more SKILFUL day.

There are other times to exercise besides the early morning, of course, but I’ve found that while exercising right after work is also very enjoyable, it’s also liable to be cancelled because of other things that come up. Morning exercise is virtually never cancelled. And plus not as many people see you all puffy and red faced in jogging tights!

Just 5 more minutes Mom!

Mornings, for me at least (when I get up!), are the most productive time of day. I like to do some writing in the morning, when there are no distractions, before I check my email or blog stats. I get so much more done by starting on my work in the morning. Then, when evening rolls around, I have no work that I need to do, and I can spend it doing other things.

No one likes rush-hour traffic, except for oil and motor companies. Commute early, and the traffic is much lighter, and you get to work faster, and thus save yourself more time. Or better yet, commute by bike. (Or even better yet, work from home. A girl can dream!)

It’s much easier to make those early appointments on time if you get up early. I like making 9am Dr. appointments, to force me to get up early. Showing up late for that appointment is a bad signal to the person you’re meeting. Showing up early will impress them. Plus, you get time to prepare.

I don’t plan to make drastic changes. I will start slowly, by waking just 15-30 minutes earlier than usual, get used to this for a few days, then cut back another 15 minutes. I must also allow myself to sleep earlier. I am used to staying up late, watching TV or surfing the Internet. But if I continue this habit, while trying to get up earlier, sooner or later one is going to give. And if it is the early rising that gives, then inevitably I will crash and sleep late and have to start over. I must go to bed earlier, even if I don’t think I’ll sleep, and read while in bed.

Getting out of the bedroom as soon as I turn off the alarm is the best plan. I mustn’t allow myself to rationalize going back to bed. Just force myself to go out of the room. My plan is to drink lots at night and therefore come morning have to stumble into the bathroom and go pee. By the time I’ve done that, and flushed the toilet and washed my hands and looked at my ugly mug in the mirror, I’m awake enough to face the day. I must not rationalize. If I allow my brain to talk me out of getting up early, I’ll never do it. Getting back in bed is not an option.

I have been trying to set something to do early in the morning that’s important. This reason will motivate me to get up. I like to write in the morning, so that’s my reason. Also, when I’m done with that, I like to read all of your comments!

Emotional Stability at Christmas

Christmas is a stressful time. Even those without a mental health problem find the holidays difficult to get through, so it goes with out saying that, when an eating disorder is thrown into the mix too, there are bound to be problems.

For me and many others, there is a sadness, grief and loneliness behind my Christmas cheer. My disordered family is thrown together and the intensity nearly always bubbles over into arguments and squabbles. I am deeply ashamed to admit that there is still a stain on my family home's sitting room wall, where I threw a glass of wine at my sister one Christmas, missed and instead imprinted a cherry red mark on the cream wall as a memento of my rage!  

Late nights, rich food, extra alcohol, traffic and crowds, shopping and finances, cooking and cleaning and all the other tasks of Christmas, all make this time of year a protracted emotional time.

There ARE a few things which DBT offers us for a successful way to ride the holiday wave. I personally am concentrating on  COPE AHEAD. The more I plan for and organize the less likely that something unformulated will shock me into an emotional backlash. All my clothes are washed and outfits put together. I have made plans for friends to ring me on Christmas eve, Day and Stephen's day as supports and handy excuses from the dinner table. 

I am putting together a wellness toolbox to bring with me as part of SELF SOOTHE. This box is a little like what you might bring to keep a child entertained on a long car journey. I have knitting, coloring pencils and paper, magazines and books. I also have my DBT notes and MINDFULNESS exercises. I have 6 reminders on my phone which simply say 'Check-In'. these are to remind me to recognize my anxiety and take regular MINDFUL breaks throughout the day. I find things always seem less overwhelming after a few deep breaths.

I will also be practicing RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. I need to have realistic expectations. My family will not suddenly change into the perfect Brady bunch overnight. And if I can ACCEPT that my family are not perfect I think I have more of a chance of dealing with the potential holiday fallout.

I plan on respecting my values. I do not want to compromise my recovery 'just because' its Christmas. I am going to eat intuitively. So if I am hungry and dinner is not ready yet... well sorry, but I will eat anyway! 

Christmas is supposed to be a happy period and therefore a perfect5 opportunity to make new better memories for future years, so ACCUMULATE POSITIVE EXPERIENCE is another skill. I am going to spend time at the end of the day to reflect on what things went well and add them to my positivity book.

Are there any other tips you guys have?

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE xxx