DBT Skills for Romantic Relationships

For a very long time I thought I wouldn't ever be able to be part of a healthy romantic relationship. It's often seen a huge trigger for those of us with an emotional vulnerability, and it very often can be. But I soon learnt that having a mental illness does not have to be a reason to avoid being in a relationship. A mental illness may cause more stress and require more work, but having a successful relationship is not impossible. There are few things I had to really work on so my current relationship (of over a year!) could work.

Before I could be in a relationship and worry about another person, I had to prioritize my own health. My current boyfriend actually asked me out a year before we officially started dating, but I was still in DBT and quite unwell. So I decided to wait until I was finished formal therapy and had learnt the DBT skills to help me manage my emotions before I agreed to be in a relationship with him. Luckily he was still around when I finally was in the right place. I'm only going to mention a few DBT skills here to demonstrate how I manage my emotions in relation to how we make things work in our relationship, but there are lots and lots more!

Number 1. PLEASE

Staying on top of any medication I've been prescribed and taking care of my physical health -- exercising, eating well and avoiding alcohol or drugs, is the best thing I can do to regulate my emotions; and therefore the best thing I can do for our relationship. Avoiding alcohol has been a great way of staying present in stressful situations like nights out or large gatherings, where I have had emotional outbursts in the past due to feeling out of control, leading to arguments and behaviours I am not proud of.

Sleep is a difficult one as it can be difficult to get quality sleep for me at the best of times and when he stays over it's even more challenging. I only have a small bed so we inevitably end up elbowing each other in face! If we were to move in with each other, a big bed would be a must!

Number 2. NON JUDGEMENTALLY

Staying non judgemental is *sooooo* important to keeping our relationship healthy. Being non judgemental helps to get my point across in an effective manner without adding a judgement that my partner might disagree with. When I practice this skill, I can look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation which allows me to respond to them effectively and not lash out in an emotional way.

Believe me, there are plenty of times I am still judgemental. It's a constant effort. We all live with preconceived notions of what's right and wrong, and the minute someone or something doesn't fit our bill of perfection we become judgemental and that affects the way we say things and the things we do.

I practice non-judgementally by OBSERVING my thought patterns. Like all of DBT, this skill requires a few others to make it really work. This might seem hard to do at first, but once you get used to catching your thoughts in ‘judgemental mode’ you can then start to stop them.

I try to develop an understanding of my partner by thinking about why he acts, talks, dresses or just is a certain way. I put myself in his shoes and wonder why his behaviour has emerged. If I want further understanding, I strike a polite (I emphasize polite) conversation using the skills GIVE or DEARMAN.

Once an understanding has been created in my mind of my partners action, acceptance of him just as he is becomes easier. I can accept that this is the way he will react, cause its the way he is made up. There will most certainly always be things we don't agree with, but that doesn't mean I cant accept his presence in the world. When you accept, frustration that leads to judgement takes an automatic back-seat.

On a final note, relationships are hard! They are difficult whether you have an emotional vulnerability or not and require lots of hard work to make them last, and there are so many more things that we need to work on in our relationship, but I have to say that, it's so worth it and really contributes to my life worth living!

OBSERVE - Listen like a sponge

This very useful skill was taught to me by a extremely talented key worker when I was on the intensive outpatient program last year. She really got through to me and helped me see how little attention I pay to others when they are talking to me.

This is what she told me to try to help improve my relationships by using mindfulness:

"Listen to others as if you are a sponge, soaking up what the other person is saying. Let your mind be quiet, and just take it in. Don't formulate any response in your mind until a response is requested or required."

At first I was quite annoyed, even offended that she thought I didn't listen to people . I became defensive and shut down and guess what... I didn't listen to word she said after that!

Maybe she had a point.

But what I failed to understand is that mindful listening is not common place in our society. It's also known as absorptive listening and really ties in with the DBT skill of OBSERVE. It does not come naturally to most people and most certainly does not come natural to me.

Recently I have started practicing absorptive listening and have become very aware of my inner dialogue;  a mental voice urging the person talking to "hurry up and finish speaking so I can tell you what I think!!!" As you can imagine this voice can interfere with tranquil, attentive listening. I discovered I rarely just allow myself to 'absorb' what the other person is saying without trying to tie it to my own life somehow or come up with a solution to the problem they are telling me about.

I 'but' in to other people's conversations and jump to a new topic before the last has really ended and to be honest I have come across as plain rude in some cases.... not intentionally... but just due to a lack of awareness, a absence of mindfulness.

I know how great it feels to be on the receiving side of absorptive listening, and am blessed to have some fantastically mindful friends who I feel really 'witness' me when I talk, (or write, as I have some great on-line friends). I would love to nurture that talent within myself so that others may feel that total attention from me.

DISCOVERING VALUES Individual Therapy

"No thanks, I don't need a husband yet"

I was in a good mood for therapy today. I spent time thinking all week about what was the most effective topics to discuss. I feel I have found my drive this week for recovery which I lost for a while after Christmas. I have accepted it though and learnt that lack of motivation sometimes is part of the process. 

I finally brought up the topic of romantic relationships. I have somehow managed once again to get caught up in a relationship when it is the last thing that I need or want at the moment. I have not been sticking to my values with regards to learning how to stand on my own two feet. I have allowed this boy to sweep me off my feet, when I do not even have feelings for him. I am going out to pubs and drinking when I had sworn to myself not to while in therapy.

Don't lose yourself in attempt to hold on to someone.

So I blurted all this out in the session today, we thrashed it out, discussed  the value of a relationship with him, and got to the rot of the problem. I need to learn how to say no. 

To my horror we did a role play. First she played me and said how to end the complication in an effective way. Then we switched and I rehearsed what she had said. It took a few tries before I felt right saying it.

We decided to tell him that I was in treatment at the moment and because of this I was not in a position to be with anyone, and that I really hoped we could still hang out as friends. we agreed that I would wait until next week to tell him as I had already committed to attend the University Ball with him this Saturday.

In other news, but still on the skill of VALUES. I realized that I have a gaping hole in this part of my life. I list education as my number one most important value and yet am not doing anything to fulfill it. So, while I have some motivation, I used it to book a week long creative writing course one of the major Universities in Dublin. I really can't wait to do it!