Pros & Cons of Tolerating Distress

I will keep this short. I have been putting off doing this for so long. It's fairly self explanatory in it's title, but the problems lies in ACTUALLY doing it. I have been avoiding doing this for my target behaviors for months now, so here it goes! I am only able to do one for the moment, but I have five behaviors I need to do this for!

Target behavior #1 - Binging. 

Resisting binge.

• PROS:

1. Feeling of accomplishment over skill use.
2. Saves money.
3. Healthier body and mind.
4. I eat to give myself MORE energy. When I become too full, I LOSE that energized feeling.
5. I might be able to change my state of mind and continue my life normally without putting on excess weight
6. I will learn to experience the distress and deal with it in time.
7. Feeling of self control.

• CONS:

1. I will feel the emotion I want to avoid. I wouldn't feel the 'food high'
2. I will be irritable.
3. I will feel deprived.

Giving into urge to binge.

• PROS

1. Instant relaxation.
2. Comforted.
3. Get medical attention
4. Escape emotional suffering momentary.

• CONS

1. Will trigger an urge to purge.
2. Waste of food/money.
3. Weight gain.
4. Self hatred
5. Only hurts me, pain, digestive issues.
6. Does not solve problem

Target behavior #2 - Purging


Resisting purge.

• PROS

1. Will keep the nourishment from the food.
2. Will learn to deal and manage 'full' feeling.
3. Will give myself a chance to use DBT skills.

• CONS

1. I will feel very high anxiety.
2. I will feel dirty, lazy, ugly, fat.
3. I will have to sit with the distress, and feel all the food in my stomach.

Giving into urge to purge.

• PROS

1. Get 'rid' of food and not gain weight.
2. It is a quick and easy way to get the food out.
3. I feel in control.
4. I know my stomach is empty.
5. Its a way to punish myself for negative thoughts/behavior.

• CONS

1. Will damage teeth.
2. Does not get rid of all of the calories.
3. Makes me feel week from dehydration.
4. Dizziness and headaches.
5. Heart palpitations.
6. Gives me spots, dry skin and causes my hair to fall out.
7. Sleep issues.
8. After a few days - swelling in legs
9. Constipation.
10. Reduced appetite which will lead to further foody behavior 

Giving up

I always dwell on the most negative. They say that we human beings are programmed to survive and to overcome and forget pain in time. Not me. The times when I feel grief and emotional distress are the memories which stick with me the longest. This week has gone by so slow, its agonizing sitting and waiting for this wave to die out.

All I keep thinking about is how I am unable to keep going on with DBT. It is exhausting me. I simply can't keep it up anymore. But I am afraid to give up totally just yet, so there must be something inside me willing to keeping pushing past this horrible disorder. I have been making endless amounts of PROS AND CONS list about it. I fought so hard to get into the program, and I know how lucky I am to have even been considered for treatment in Ireland. There are others here literary dying to get this level of support. Yet I wonder if it is the right thing for me, maybe it just is not the right time, perhaps it simply worn't work for me.

I know I have improved since starting this journey, but not enough for the tremendous effort that it involves. It is too hard and I am too exhausted. Then there are all the people I would be letting down if I were to simply give up on yet another thing in my life - My parents, my employers, my partner, my friends, my therapist, my doctor, my readers of this blog, my housemates and all the well wishers. I don't want to let them see me fail, again! So for now, I will try my hardest to battle through this, one second at a time.