Saturday, 28 January 2012

Giving up

I always dwell on the most negative. They say that we human beings are programmed to survive and to overcome and forget pain in time. Not me. The times when I feel grief and emotional distress are the memories which stick with me the longest. This week has gone by so slow, its agonizing sitting and waiting for this wave to die out.

All I keep thinking about is how I am unable to keep going on with DBT. It is exhausting me. I simply can't keep it up anymore. But I am afraid to give up totally just yet, so there must be something inside me willing to keeping pushing past this horrible disorder. I have been making endless amounts of PROS AND CONS list about it. I fought so hard to get into the program, and I know how lucky I am to have even been considered for treatment in Ireland. There are others here literary dying to get this level of support. Yet I wonder if it is the right thing for me, maybe it just is not the right time, perhaps it simply worn't work for me.

I know I have improved since starting this journey, but not enough for the tremendous effort that it involves. It is too hard and I am too exhausted. Then there are all the people I would be letting down if I were to simply give up on yet another thing in my life - My parents, my employers, my partner, my friends, my therapist, my doctor, my readers of this blog, my housemates and all the well wishers. I don't want to let them see me fail, again! So for now, I will try my hardest to battle through this, one second at a time.


  1. Keep going.
    If it is hard it is hard for a reason.
    Recovery is exhausting.
    I posted a video to my wall about it is just the most intense thing ever and the hardest thing I have ever done, will ever do my whole life.
    But it is worth it <3
    If in some time you feel this way, then maybe. But right now you are in a dark place.
    Don't let that dictate your choices <3

    1. I saw that video and it really helped me so so so much last night. It is good to know that it is not just me who find this process so difficult. I just dont want to give up again and have one more thing to add to that list, but I feel like I am not cut out for it. Thanks Rachel for being so supportive, its because of thoses like you who have come out the other side that keeps me going. xxx

  2. You CAN do it!
    I know how it feels to fight a mental disorder, and you're right--it's absolutely exhausting. But you have probably come further than your realize. Keep fighting, because you deserve to get well. <3