Monday, 5 December 2011

Morning Contemplations

MMmmm Coffee...
As I sit here with my cup of steaming hot coffee and stare out my little window at the trees, I find myself wondering the question which, at some stage, I think everyone will ask themselves, 'What is my purpose in life?' It is by no means the first time I've asked myself this remarkable question.

I say remarkable because to me, it has stirred up a multitude of diverse and utterly different emotions each time I ponder it. At times when my mind has been tainted by the black thoughts which come with depression, it has conjured up feelings of utter hopelessness and despair. But today, as my anxiety reaches new, unreached heights, it fills me with fear. As in order to have a purpose in life, one must partake in life. So this time, it’s not the thought of the vague, bleak future which fills me with distain; it’s the fact that I must overcome my social anxiety. 

This is the temperament of emotionally unstable personality disorder which many fail to understand. The way we feel and therefore live our lives are imperative to the emotions we battle with. Our minds are never mute or calm, yet always churning with the unfiltered thoughts of self hate, perfectionism or fear of failure. I have never experienced that magical moment of trust of certainty. I have never had the moment where I feel comfortable dropping my mask and letting the world know the real me. But as I sit here clutching my empty cup, I realize, this is all I can do for now. I am the best I can be right now, because although my emotions control my life, they don’t control who I am. I am Andy, and that is all I need to be.

Live life and enjoy today. xxx

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