Things are most certainly looking up. Whether it's due to some shift in the universe where by it's finally my turn for which nice things are to happen to me, or whether it's down to the increased motivation this recent elevation in mood has brought and therefore a self stimulation of sort of pleasant experiences. Either way, its quite lovely having the positive emotions to balance out not so lovely ones on the 'feelings' scales. I guess the more aware you are of the nice things in your life then the more positivity you attract. Also, on the other hand, I have too experienced the flip side of this with avoidance and negativity. As much as a depression can be a downward spiral into despair and hopelessness, I feel being aware of more positive feelings and emotions breeds more happiness in my life and thoughts.
I got a really big phone bill last month, and needed to try find a way to pay it off. So I signed up to a child-minding/nanny agency in the hopes of finding a small job. Although I still haven't found a job which will pay off the bill...... I WAS offered a six week Au Pair position in the south of Spain for this coming summer!
I am so excited and happy with the job. The family seem to be really nice and, as far as one can tell from a wee, short skype call, I think I can safely say I will settle into the family unit well. I lived in Spain as a child, and can speak Spanish quite well, although it is a bit rusty! I am familiar with the culture and the way of life too from living there. So I really feel I will get on well .
Next thing is a bit abstract, I'm pretty sure it may just be a 'borderline' thing. For the last three and a bit years, ever since I was first admitted to inpatient actually and experienced that intense fuzzy feeling of 'being cared for', and having my family be worried about me, telling me they love me, dropping everything in a heartbeat to be by my side... the feeling of people caring if I lived or died, has consumed me. I kept trying to chase that feeling again, but, like a class 'A' drug, it has been harder and harder to find the same initial hit . Like a classic addict, I would do anything to get the attention I wanted, saying I was sicker than I was, that I was doing worse than I may have been. I didn't comply to treatment plans, I lied to my team..... Then I actually DID get sicker, but by then I had exhausted my family's ability to care for me.
I guess what I am getting at is that although the urge to want to be cared for is still there, I feel like I don't need to chase the feeling with so much fervour at the moment. It's incredibly liberating to be freed from the shackles of relying on others for the validation that... I matter... that I am worth something. I sort of feel that I am just fine on my own right now and it's really nice. Every so often I catch myself thinking up ways to end my life, but rather than spending hours planning it to the minute detail, like I have done many times before, I can come up with a list of reasons not to go through with it. I push the thoughts aside and simply get on with life. I see the destructive thoughts like a side effect of my emotional sensitivity, a residue that might always be there, but doesn't have to be the main focus.
Self-validation is wonderful. It's allowed me to feel like I am worth it. like the ad says! I went and got my hair done today, not because I needed to, but just because I wanted to. I bought a lovely pair of shoes, and I spent a few hours at a coffee shop, relaxing and being kind to myself. I am eating better and not mindlessly binging (as much), I have had a few incidents where I have over eaten, but I made a conscience decision to and didn't have any urge to get rid of it after.
This all comes under the EMOTION REGULATION skill of BUILDING POSITIVE EMOTIONS. I should actually pull out the list of 176 pleasurable activities and have a gander at it.
Hope you are keeping well dear friends.
Stay mindful. xxx