I am worried what to say to
her, but I am sure everyone worries about what to say to a grieving person. But
what I really feel is that knowing how to listen is much more important.
Oftentimes, well-meaning people avoid
talking about the death or mentioning the deceased person, I felt I should
bring her Dad up, but when I was grieving for my friends that died a few years
ago, I really needed to feel that my loss was acknowledged, I wanted to talk
about it.
I wanted to let her know that
she had my approval to talk about her dad’s death, even if it had only happened
a few hours ago, yet I tried not to force her to open up. I just let her talk
when the subject of her dad came up.
I brought food and made pots of
tea. It’s what I do. I want to ‘mother smother’ her. That’s my term for looking
after a person in time of crisis. I did it for my sister when her baby boy came
early and was sick in the hospital. I got some healthy salads and soups, and
also some comfort food like pizza and soda bread and giant cookies and
coca-cola.
I am going out to her again
tomorrow, I would like to make her some food for the freezer, but I am very low
on money and can’t afford to buy the meat this weekend. From what I could see,
she has enough food in the house for a few days, so can hold off for a while.
Okay… so the point of this post
is to figure out what DBT skills to use to stay regulated so I can be the
shoulder to lean on my friend needs right now.
MINDFULNESS
I need to be aware of which
emotion I am experiencing. I will do this with OBSERVE, by checking in
regularly with myself, and through my meditation practise. Then I will DESCRIBE
the emotion and how it is affecting my body, thoughts and behaviours. I will be
NON-JUDGEMENTAL towards my thoughts, my emotions and the feelings and emotions
of those who are grieving. I will do this by putting myself in their shoes. I
will let my friend know that t’s ok to feel whatever way they feel, let her
express her feelings without judgement, argument or criticism.
INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVNESS
This is a time to use the
relationship effectiveness skill GIVE
·
Be gentle
·
Be interested
·
Validate
·
Have an easy manner
I will smile at my friend and
her family and be MINDFUL in my conversation.
EMOTION REGULATION
I really need to reduce my vulnerability
with PLEASE, take my medication, go to yoga (even though this friend normally
comes with me). Absolutely no drink or prescribed drugs…! I must endeavour to
get the right amount of sleep. I will continue with my healthy diet and stick
to my meal plans.
I will try to INCREASE POSITIVE
EMOTIONS by going to my meditation group tonight. I will notice how I feel in
my body, what’s passing through my mind, what I am doing, how I am behaving.
DISTRESS TOLERANCE
DISTRACTION is my best bet here,
in particular focusing on others, in particular my friend. I will focus on her
and concentrate on her needs. This will help direct my thoughts away from the
difficult emotions which accompany death
I am AWAKING OPPOSITE EMOTION
by listening to my favourite music, calming and soothing music.
PRAYER is helping me too to not
make the situation worse. I am also bringing my friend and her family into my
meditation.
I self-soothed by taking a really
long hot shower this morning which gave me the strength to go see my friend
after.
Finally RADICAL ACCEPTANCE is
greatly needed. Death is the ultimate test for this skill. I hate that he is
dead, yet I must accept it.
