Mindful Moments

The time of your life?

How do you experience time in this season?

Are you in control of your time? time as a whole?

or does time control you?

How do you relate to time?

When I don't want to deal with something I seem not to experience time accurately. I block time out, dissociate from it, try to run away from it. Days or weeks can slip by without me taking stock, and I find it hard to recall memories with much detail. 

Now, after almost two years of therapy, I try (but don't always succeed) to take in each moment for what it is, not run away from time, but experience it.

This is the essence of what I have come to know today as mindfulness. Learning to let go and be without thought, without judgment, without mind, to really be present with each and every moment.

This is easier said than done. Instead, I waste my time either ruminating over past mistakes or worrying about future catastrophes. But I have learned that I can’t change the past. So why live in it? There are no guarantees for the future. So why jump to conclusions? Of course it is intelligent to plan for the future. It is also smart to learn from my past mistakes. However, it is irrational to worry about that over which I have no control – e.g., the past and the future.

Living in the “now” allows me to be present, mindful, and experience the passing of time. Whatever emotion or thought I am experiencing, whether positive or negative, over time, has to pass. The moment I wrote these words has just passed. Try to hold onto it… I can’t. The moment I write THESE words has passed again. And so on and so forth. This is what is meant by “This too shall pass.” Every moment is moving toward the next moment. Being present in THIS moment as it occurs leads to mindfulness.

The only time we have control over is this very moment. So If I live each moment as it is, life seems less overwhelming. I can always manage what the next 60 seconds will bring, and then I move on the the next moment and so on.

Christmas Flashbacks

What does December/Winter mean to you? 

This is a really hard post for me to write. December means painful memories and flashbacks full of grief for me. When I was 4 years old my little world came crashing down around me. My sense of safety, of consistency, of stability was all destroyed when my father fought his last physical fight with my mother, packed up his possessions and left us. He walked away from my mother and abandoned me and my sister. 

I didn’t understand what had I done? Was it something I said? How could I make him come back? It must have been because I wasn’t well behaved, because I talked too much, because I annoyed him, because I wasn’t the perfect child. 

My memories of the separation are patchy, but the emotions attached to them are real, and are important; really important. I was scared that my mother would leave me next or my sister. I turned from an out-going child to a needy and serious little girl within days. I carried a furrow on my brow and a lump in my throat, and somehow, Christmas just didn’t seem all that exciting anymore. 

As the years went by my father compensated for his lack of emotional attachment to me and the non-existent yet much needed expressions of love with sensational, expensive gifts. It was as if he was showing up my mother who just about managed to put food on the Christmas dinner table, and keep us excited about getting a token from Santa. He picked us up on Christmas morning and showered us with gifts our mother dreamed of giving us, but couldn’t because my father lied and cheated his way out of paying child support. 

I knew something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t articulate my emotions the way I can now. I should never have been used as the pawn in my parent’s war. It was not the way a child should have been treated. It affected me deeply and Christmas was always a constant yearly reminder of how other happy families and tight nuclear formulation contrasted sharply with my broken home where sadness reigned and fear propagated like rabbits. 

So December means difficult emotions for me. Sorry no Christmas cheer is this post, but I thought that writing a bit about my story might give you some insight into what went on for me so you can see that these things can be processed and that there are ways to overcome painful memories. 

Great Expectations

Blogging for Well-being - Advent Blog - 2nd December

Christmas is a special time of the year for us all. It's especially a time for family gatherings and while it may be wonderful to get together and mark the passing of another year there can be many stresses about it too.

Christmas is also a time for remembering and while for many their memories of past Christmas' are filled with joy for others these memories may not be as happy. If this is the case for you it may influence how you approach planning for Christmas

We human beings are always "expecting." In other words, we are always having expectations. Lots of expectations. Some we are consciously aware of. Many others, we are not.

Expectations are always there, however, in the background of our daily experiences. Whether we are attuned to them or whether we are oblivious to them--which too often is the case--our expectations come into play in a multitude of subtle ways.

Why focus on expectations? The main reason is that expectations are a common source of stress in our lives. They frequently create all sorts of mischief, including emotional distress, relationship conflicts, communication breakdowns, misunderstandings, distrust, and a wide range of other common problems.

Expectations produce stress in two main ways. One is that they are frequently untrue or unrealistic. The other is that most of the time, we are completely unaware of them. Individual expectations are not very complicated. They often consist of simple ideas such as "life should be fair," "people should be honest," etc. It's the fact they are hidden from our view that gives them so much power over us.

Many of my emotionally dysregulated periods have been because I have expected something that may have been unrealistic, and when people or situations don’t live up to my expectations coupled with a less than mindful approach, I become very disappointed and upset, causing my emotions to fluctuate and spiral out of control.

When we consciously or unconsciously harbor expectations that are much too high, we set ourselves up for failure. As a result, we end up feeling frustrated, angry, and personally demoralized.

Once you become aware of an untrue or unrealistic expectation; YOU gain the power to free yourself from it.

It's really just that simple. But "simple" doesn't always mean "easy"--unless, that is, you have the expectation that it does! It's one thing to become aware of your unconscious expectations. It's quite another to know which ones are realistic and which ones aren't. This takes wisdom, yet most people have far more wisdom than they usually give themselves credit for.

Social and personal expectations are a major source of holiday stress. The holiday season is not a happy time for everyone. Yet we all tend to feel compelled to look and feel merry during this time.

The mass media and happy Hollywood movies fuel these expectations. If you are single, alone, or recently divorced or separated, the social pressures at this time of year can be quite stressful. Similarly, we all have expectations of how our friends and family members should behave during the holidays. When these expectations are not met, stress and interpersonal conflicts can easily arise.

All families experience tension to some degree. But there is a DBT skill that may help you; I know last year it really aided me. COPE AHEAD. Part of the reason why Christmas time can be so stressful is the unrealistic expectation of coming together as a happy family on this one day of the year. Suggestions for coping ahead with Christmas include:

1. Keep realistic expectations. If your relatives tend to fight throughout the year, they will most likely fight on Christmas Day as well. 
2. Appreciate that everyone is under stress to a certain degree. For example, one relative may have worked overtime to get everything done before their office closed for Christmas, and may be feeling exhausted and harried. Another may be anxious because they overspent on their credit cards. Be as understanding as you can of people's situations. 
3. Consider breaking up the celebrations to keep 'warring factions' apart. For example, you could see one group of relations on Christmas Eve and another on Christmas Day. 
4. Family members involved in after-lunch activities (such as a walk by the sea) are less likely to get into arguments. Plan for something to do as a group after lunch if necessary. 
5. Use relaxation techniques, distraction and group activities to help steer around stressful situations. 
6. Avoid overindulging in alcohol – the reduced inhibitions could contribute to (or cause) an unnecessary argument. 

Be MINDFUL of your emotions and feelings today and over the next few weeks, and don’t let your expectations rule your enjoyment of what can be a very happy time of year. It's all part of creating a LIFE WORTH LIVING.

OBSERVING the Christmas Challenge

Blogging for wellness - Advent Calender - Christmas Countdown - December 1st

A dear friend Tracey Weldon came up with this blogging idea, where for every day of advent, I will post about ways to manage and enjoy Christmas without letting an emotional vulnerability cause a crisis or unnecessary suffering.

This way of blogging is a little bit different from my normal manner of expressing myself. But I need to challenge myself into action. I am setting challenges in my recovery and in my hobbies and now, this here is another fun challenge to help ease the stressful anticipation of Christmas.

I have had a few years of having to learn to manage coping with the Christmas run-up, the actual event and the after mass. It's like walking on a tight rope full of obtsicules such as family gatherings, trigger foods, flash backs, over-stimulation, financial worries.....Yet the view from up there while you are balanced on the rope is wonderful. Yes its hard, and really challenging, but the key is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Stay focused on the moment your are in right now. It a balancing act of vulnerabilities and happy times.

The dialectic here is that yes Christmas can be hard, but at the same time it can be a really nice time. When you allow yourself to feel and process the distress that Christmas may evoke, you make room for POSITIVE EXPERIENCES and new happy memories to be created. 

The MINDFULNESS skill OBSERVE is really vital here. You can't just by-pass the negative emotions, you need to feel them, and deal with them. Trust me, I have spent so much time running away from my emotions, wishing so hard that they would just go away entirely,  but that is not reality. 

Check in with yourself regularly over the next 24 days, be kind and compassionate to how hard this time of year can be for everyone, not just those with an emotional vulnerability. Just don't forget that the holidays can also be full of beautiful moments, look out for those too. Its all part of creating a LIFE WORTH LIVING.

The Art of Being Average

"Having excellence as a goal doesn't mean that we always achieve it. It can be difficult to achieve excellence in all major areas of your life simultaneously. Most of us have a few areas of life where we try especially hard to do our best. As a consequence, other areas receive less attention"

Average is Actually "Normal"

Humans can't be excellent every day. Everybody is just average some days.

There are days when we're under the weather, we're distracted by troubling events, or circumstances just conspire to make the day tougher.

It is not necessary that our work -- even our important work -- always be excellent. Often, just showing up is 99% of what we need to do.

And, to be honest, some days we are even worse than average. It's unavoidable. It's the law of averages -- double meaning intended.

But if you're like most people, and you're faced with a whole lot of things to do, some of them perhaps stressful or challenging, then let me be the first to wish you a very happy, average week.

Perfectionism can be paralyzing and is certainly stressful!

Fitting in

I would like to feel that I was a piece in their puzzle.

I want my own little slot to slide into where only I fit, where I am received, not in spite of my unique edges, but because of them.

I want them to feel incomplete without me, for them to feel the empty section which distorts the finished image where I am missing, and for them to spend countless hours tenderly searching for me under chairs and rugs, and squeal with delight when they find me and promise not to ever lose me again.

My family is a crackled jigsaw missing lots of bits. It’s not a faultless conclusion. It’s a child’s discarded toy, too difficult to complete, and too tedious to resolve.

New found RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

As the leaves fall and the trees turn bear in anticipation for the ice queen to spread her frosty breath, I have settled down calmly with recognition of the change of the seasons. I do mourn the balmy summer nights where the sun's rays stretch so generously into the evenings giving endless days and shorter dark, scary nights, but as sure as summer must end, winter will also pass in time.

DBT has thought me that rarely are things permanent. The gift of acceptance (when I can practice it) has allowed me to live a life less terrified by despairing thoughts and emotions. They do pass, maybe not quick enough, and maybe not for long enough, but the brief respite between the terrors allows us to reach deep inside ourselves and enjoy the time when we are in control. When the haze of distress lifts, it provides a short period of wisdom where preparation can take place, where gratification can develop and life can be lived.

Recently I have been living in an all too common mist of fear and anxious thoughts. It’s a fear fog which has established itself atop my recovery mountain. It’s holding me back from seeing the view from the top. I am out of breath and exhausted from climbing so high and so hard. Each step developed my emotional muscles and built my tolerance to exposure. I have had to face tough terrain and steep cliffs. Now as I reach the top, I am so so close to achieving the glorious moment of breathtaking beauty, the stunning view from the peak of the mountain. Yet my view is clouded with terror, and I am waiting for it to clear…..

Battling With Self Hatred

It is far from easy to change my time-honored abhorrence to myself. When asked to choose three words to describe myself it would always have been a hateful expression of self disclosure. Mistake, awkward and failure would be ones that would instantly spring to mind.. Self-negativity just comes more natural to me than self-kindness. I can’t tell you an exact time when my thinking began to deviate towards such a spiteful disgust for all that is me, but I can honestly say I don’t have childhood memories where I ever looked at myself with compassion or kindness or self validation. 

So, now that it comes to using the DBT skill of SELF SOOTHE and ACCUMULATE POSITIVE EXPERIENCES I shudder at the thought of doing something for me, only for me. The only way I can describe it is; it’s like trying to be kind and professional to a really nasty customer in a shop. All you want to do is clobber them. You are forced to be nice to them through gritted teeth because you are obliged to, and because the security cameras would capture your every move! 

That is how I feel today. It’s been a rough few weeks since finished the skills group. I feel so despondent and isolated from the only thing that gave me some sort of a life. My mood has been near to the ground and I have been clinging on to every resource and skill base I can access to keep my emotional boat afloat. 

I strained myself to do something nice for myself today. I went and got a massage. I did enjoy it, but found my automatic negative thoughts overtaking any pleasure that was coming through my senses. I was so worried about taking my clothes off, as I have put on a considerable amount of weight since stopping the disordered eating behaviours. For so long I punished my body physically with food and exercise, I ravaged my muscles and bones and skin. So today, when the therapist’s warm hands glided over my body and caressed each part so tenderly, it felt unnatural and wrong. The juxtaposition created by the comforting touch and the undeserving thoughts was too much to contend with. I found it hard to settle into the hour and really relax. Instead my mind was racing with spiteful digs of unworthiness and unpleasant sensations of guilt. 

I guess I can say I was at least WILLING to use DBT skills today, but this one created a worrisome chain of thoughts which I did not intend.

Is life about seeking happiness or embracing life's inevitable challenges?

Without a doubt, my life has procured an innumerable amount happy times. Times filled with smiles and giggles and the excited squeals of childhood birthday parties.  Times filled with warmth and nurture and the encouragement of educators and mentors. Times I lock away as if  precious jewels, in my vault of memory, so as never to lose them. Yet it is often very hard to find the key to this vault, and to the positive times I describe, when your mind is polluted by a haze of mental illness.

I earnestly try to recreate these happy times each and every day, only to become compounded with distress as my life fails to reproduce them, fails to provide the embrace of contentment they produce, leaving in their place an empty, hopeless void of distress.

Have I got it all wrong though? Am I chasing the wrong thing? Am I casting shadows on my immense intrinsic power by seeking to recreate happy times?

Tonight I am lying in my bed eating frozen blueberries to tolerate the distress I am experiencing. Savoring the bitter coldness in an attempt to survive the moment. I am not enjoying the warmth of those happier times. I am frozen in the chill of distress. I can't see where my life is leading or fathom as to why I should keep trying.  Something is not right about my pursuit of happiness, and I think I am beginning to understand why.

Implicit in the phrase of 'overcoming an adversity' such as mental illness is; that success or happiness is about emerging on the other side of a challenging experience unscathed, unmarked by the experience. As if successes in life have come about because of an ability to side step, or circumnavigate presumed pitfalls of a life with mental illness.

But I am marked, I am changed, of course, by a challenge. I am starting to think that adversity needn't be an obstacle I need to get over in order to resume living a happy life. It's part of our life, part of who I am as a holistic being. I tend to think of it as a shadow, sometimes I see a lot of it, sometimes there is very little, but it is always with us. 

Now, in no way am I trying to diminish the impact, the weight of a persons struggle. What I am trying to say is that there is always going to be adversity and challenge in life. Its very real and relative to every single person. The question is not whether you are going to meet adversity, but HOW you are going to meet it. 

So the responsibility is not simply to be shielded from the adversities and challenges we face, but to prepare us to meet it well. We do a disservice to each other when we make others feel like they are not equipped to adapt. There is an important difference and distinction between the objective medical fact of psychiatry and the subjective societal opinion of whether or not we are are mentally unwell. But in reality the only real and consistent adversity I face is the world ever thinking that I can be described as disabled or unable to contribute to society.

In our desire to protect those we care about by giving them the cold hard truth about their medical prognosis, or indeed the prognosis of the excepted quality of their life, we have to make sure we don't put the first brick in a wall that will actually disable someone. Perhaps the existing model of 'what is wrong with you and how do we fix it!' serves to be more disabling to the individual than the pathology itself. By not treating the wholeness of a person, by not acknowledging their potency, we are creating another 'illness' on top whatever natural struggle they might have. We are affectingly grading someones worth to our community. We need to see through the pathology and into the range of human capability. And most importantly, there is a partnership between those perceived deficiencies and the great human creative ability. 

So its not about devaluing or negating these trying times we want to avoid or sweep under the carpet, but instead to find those opportunities wrapped in the adversity. The idea I want to put out there is not so much overcoming adversity as it is opening ourselfs up to it, embracing it, grappling with it as Katie Taylor would do in the boxing ring, maybe even dancing with it. And perhaps if we see adversity as natural, consistent and useful, we are less burdened by the presence of it. 

In my own experience, adversity is simply change, to which I have not yet adapted, and the greatest adversity we have created for ourselfs is the idea of normalcy. I mean, who here believes them self to be normal? There is no normal. There is 'common' and typical, there is no normal.would you want to meet that poor beige person if they existed? I dont think so.

If we can change this para-dime of achieving normalcy, to one of possibility or potency, we can release the power of so many people and invite them to engage their rare and valuable assists with the community.   

WISEMIND Reflections

                                                                   

Here I am, sat so leisurely, so relaxed, drifting in and along to the smooth background music in a funky hipster vibe café in the south of Ireland. As I nibble at a sweet homemade rhubarb bun, washed down with a silky milky coffee, settled into pretty stratums of caffeine rich liquids of different density, I realise I am happy for the first time in weeks. I am doing everything my heart desires today. I took the 2 hour train ride down here to escape the stress of Dublin, of work, of life, hug my Mother and feel her nurturing impression. A brief respite.

In this veil of contentedness requires me to listen to the WISEMIND voice in my mind that tells me that this internship is just too much for me right now. I am only weeks out of my DBT group; I am still a DBT novice, an apprentice of life. Yet despite all that I am stuffing down my true emotions and all I know is right for me by working 40 hours a week in an internship I am not able for, I can’t manage life and work that much without running myself into the ground. I have no time for writing, my very own creative Prozac. Without my nurturing my creative side, I may as not be taking my medication because, Writing, drawing, taking photos have been an integral part of my recovery.

I have a lot of thinking to do this weekend, but for now I am going back to riding the wave of this emotion of contentedness as I know this too shall pass and the next one might not be so pleasant.