New found RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

As the leaves fall and the trees turn bear in anticipation for the ice queen to spread her frosty breath, I have settled down calmly with recognition of the change of the seasons. I do mourn the balmy summer nights where the sun's rays stretch so generously into the evenings giving endless days and shorter dark, scary nights, but as sure as summer must end, winter will also pass in time.

DBT has thought me that rarely are things permanent. The gift of acceptance (when I can practice it) has allowed me to live a life less terrified by despairing thoughts and emotions. They do pass, maybe not quick enough, and maybe not for long enough, but the brief respite between the terrors allows us to reach deep inside ourselves and enjoy the time when we are in control. When the haze of distress lifts, it provides a short period of wisdom where preparation can take place, where gratification can develop and life can be lived.

Recently I have been living in an all too common mist of fear and anxious thoughts. It’s a fear fog which has established itself atop my recovery mountain. It’s holding me back from seeing the view from the top. I am out of breath and exhausted from climbing so high and so hard. Each step developed my emotional muscles and built my tolerance to exposure. I have had to face tough terrain and steep cliffs. Now as I reach the top, I am so so close to achieving the glorious moment of breathtaking beauty, the stunning view from the peak of the mountain. Yet my view is clouded with terror, and I am waiting for it to clear…..

Apparent Competence Vs Unrelenting Crisis

 So much has been going on over the last few weeks. I have been earnestly applying for internship posts, which finally paid off as I got the precious news that I have been accepted to a great service here in Dublin. 

I am still riding the wave of progress and have realized that if I allow myself to just go with the crashing, foaming tides of negative emotions that sooner or later the tempestuous waters become calm and bearable again.

Anxiety is my constant companion once again, making simple everyday tasks extremely difficult. I was startled by the stunning resident robin in my garden yesterday. He sings a morning tune to me most days yet as he fluttered up to graze on the crumbs I left for him on the window sill, I saw a black ghostly shadow then screamed aloud and scared my poor feathered friend away. Then on the bus into town this morning I felt the all too familiar experience of an oncoming panic attack. I froze. I couldn’t move from the spot I was invisibly glued to, which would have been fine if it were towards the back of the bus, out of the way, but no, I froze right in the entrance passage way staring ahead like I was witnessing a murder! Grumbles and rants from tarde commuters finally brought me to my senses and I ran off the bus and into the quite street around the corner. I burst out crying, snots and all, at the realization that my emotions are starting to control me again rather than me controlling them.

But being the borderline that I am…. my apparent competence shines through whist the unrelenting crisis’s fester away under the surface threatening to assault my passive attempt at creating a life worth living. 

You see, when I find myself amidst of fog of fear, it tends to stay with me for much longer than would be expected in those without an emotional vulnerability, making the next onslaught even more unbearable. Slow return to emotional baseline is the problematic cornerstone for me. Typically, a crisis will occur before I get a chance to return to my emotional baseline, which results in me staying very highly aroused emotionally on a continuous basis.

My therapist and I developed a plan to tackle the anxiety ambushes. I am to do a CBT thought record each time I notice a negative automatic thought. I must fight back with evidence which does not support the thought yet still validate where the fear might be coming from too. Then I create a balanced thought taking all evidence into account. This is proving to be a fantastic way to battle the thoughts.

Next I must reduce my tension through visualization and become more mindful of my body and cultivating compassion for myself. This is done with formal mindfulness meditation. I am loving John Kabit Zinn at the moment. His voice is so soothing and comforting.

Finally if I am to live the life I want to live, I must tackle the behavioral outcome of my anxiety. This involves the graded exposure I so dearly HATE. I mean I just don’t get how exposing a borderline to heightened emotions is a good thing! My heart is even racing now as I type this! I guess going for the interviews did help me get over my fear of interrogation, but I felt HORRIBLE the whole time I was doing it. Truthfully, I am pretty sure I will always feel some degree of dread when it comes to interviews, but least now I know I won’t actually DIE from them like I thought I would before. I will though, still be going as far out of my way as possible to avoid another one in the near future.

I have come to the conclusion and have RADICALLY ACCEPTED that I am always going to feel emotions to the extreme. I will always have to manage and control my urges and behaviors, but like anything; practice makes perfect.

Impermanence - Finding the Dialectic of Emotion

Nothing is permanent. The goodness in life passes in the same way the bad periods slithers by or sticks to our awareness. Positive emotions and experiences leaves a good taste long lingering in my mouth, but it can be rudely interrupted and all too quickly be contaminated by the next onslaught of pessimism. 

I swing widely between the poles of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ judgement, rarely receiving the respite which a balanced, middle ground provides. Take for example the last 24 hours. This time yesterday I was curled up in bed, steeped in self pity. I felt so ashamed and selfish wasting a whole day doing nothing to help make me feel better. I knew I needed to do the housework, go food shopping, have a shower, go for a walk, meet some friends, go to mass, send emails ….. the list went on and on. I was feeding my negative emotion and allowing it to gain nourishment from each moment spent lying in that bed. I was down in the depths of my emotional rating, and I honestly thought that I was the biggest failure on the planet that I should just give up on life and that nobody would care if I was gone. 

Then I wake up today, still feeling the hangover of negativity surround my aura. I dragged myself to an interview for some potential writing experience with a local newsletter. It took every morsel of energy to find the motivation. It was raining, ‘typical’ I thought. I missed the Bus; I was convinced it was a sign. I didn’t have the full address; I should just give up, it’s not going to work out anyway. It really was a miracle I got there in the end. I hadn’t even researched the organisation, certain that it would be a waste of time as I would never get the job. 

If I look back and evaluate the emotion I was experiencing, I was really nervous. Fear wanted me to run home and hide away, to avoid, sabotaging any chance at a life worth living. But being the suborn mule that I can be sometimes, and because I had told some people about the interview, I felt I must go, even if to say I went. 

I actually found the place with relative ease, and was greeted by two lovely ladies who seemed interested in me and appreciative of what I could potentially bring to the organisation. We brainstormed ideas and I felt excitement build up in my tummy. The more I talked to the two lovely ladies there, the more confident I felt in my abilities. I could really do this. They really do like my ideas. To my delight, they asked me to contribute to the June issue and gave me a deadline for submission next week. 

Walking towards the bus stop I felt elated with happiness. I felt like I had overcome the fear which stops me from doing so much in my life, like I had climbed a personal mountain. I was propelled into a heightened state of positive emotion, a world away from the foul mood I had been in only hours before. I grinned childless to the bus driver and sent a barrage of texts and emails to friends and family bombarding them with my good news. 

Now that the initial exhilaration of this morning’s achievement had subsided slightly, and I am not so ruled by my emotional instability, I can see how exhausting this yo-yoing of emotion is to my emotional stamina. If I try hard to be dialectical in my thinking about today’s events, taking into account the importance of living in the moment, I guess the middle ground might be as follows; 

I spent the day resting in bed yesterday, even though I had a lot to do. By doing this I was reminded that staying in bed all day negatively affects my mood. I do need to lie in sometimes, but next time I might only rest for the morning, and get some tasks done in the afternoon. I allowed my bad mood to continue into today. Each day is a new page in my life. I can start afresh if I do not hold onto the past. It was a great achievement to obtain the job this morning. Congratulate yourself. Now move on to concentrating on the rest of today’s tasks. 

I aim for this balanced way of thinking in all my endeavours. When I read it back I don’t feel any overwhelming emotion either positive or negative. I just want to move onto this afternoon. I have a focus group to attend which has nothing to do with the newsletter. 

Have you ever had a similar experience? How do you stay centred?