RADICAL SELF ACCEPTANCE

If I let myself, I may start to believe that the magazine cover girls (whose photos are air-brushed and trimmed in, mind you!) are the norm and that the rest of us are somehow deeply flawed. What I get then is the soundtrack of "I hate myself" or "I hate what I see in the mirror" playing over and over again in my head, fuelling my endless dieting cycles and painful frustration.

If I am to have any measure of success, it is crucial that I permanently press stop on that soundtrack and work to genuinely accept my size and, by extension, myself. For someone who has been listening to this self-disgust soundtrack forever, size acceptance is pretty scary. Does accepting yourself the way you are imply that change may be impossible? 

What I am trying to say is that; denial is not acceptance. Rather, self-acceptance means adopting a NON-JUDGEMENTAL STANCE toward yourself. It's the ability to see things as they are in the moment without harmful, self-critical voices interrupting your view of yourself.  Self-acceptance is instrumental to reaching your healthy, natural weight. Size-acceptance means focusing on the things you like about yourself while working to modify what you don't like.

This process is at the core of the dialectic of CHANGE/ACCEPTANCE. If I get back to a DBT skill of weighing up the PRO'S and CON'S of tolerating distress, I must ask; "How well has not liking myself worked so far?"  The truth is, it hasn't. In fact, if I dislike my body, it's that much easier for me to abuse it.

If I try to apply this to my own life and situation, I feel less able to be as practical as is needed to fully commit to this. Maybe the skill TURNING THE MIND might be of use here as I prepare myself for acceptance of my body. I must turn my mind towards accepting the reality that my natural weight and size are not what I feel they should be. I am not part of the 5% of women who are long, lean and have model measurements. Therefore I must commit to choosing that my reality is that I have hips and broad shoulders which are all part of being a woman.

I am not happy with my legs, they are riddled with varicose veins and often retain water. That is a fact. Starving myself is not going to change it. So for today, I am making a commitment to RADICALY ACCEPT that these things are part of me, I may not like them, nor say that I am happy about them, but they are there.

Morning Contemplations

MMmmm Coffee...

As I sit here with my cup of steaming hot coffee and stare out my little window at the trees, I find myself wondering the question which, at some stage, I think everyone will ask themselves, 'What is my purpose in life?' It is by no means the first time I've asked myself this remarkable question.

I say remarkable because to me, it has stirred up a multitude of diverse and utterly different emotions each time I ponder it. At times when my mind has been tainted by the black thoughts which come with depression, it has conjured up feelings of utter hopelessness and despair. But today, as my anxiety reaches new, unreached heights, it fills me with fear. As in order to have a purpose in life, one must partake in life. So this time, it’s not the thought of the vague, bleak future which fills me with distain; it’s the fact that I must overcome my social anxiety. 

This is the temperament of emotionally unstable personality disorder which many fail to understand. The way we feel and therefore live our lives are imperative to the emotions we battle with. Our minds are never mute or calm, yet always churning with the unfiltered thoughts of self hate, perfectionism or fear of failure. I have never experienced that magical moment of trust of certainty. I have never had the moment where I feel comfortable dropping my mask and letting the world know the real me. But as I sit here clutching my empty cup, I realize, this is all I can do for now. I am the best I can be right now, because although my emotions control my life, they don’t control who I am. I am Andy, and that is all I need to be.

Live life and enjoy today. xxx

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

I often wish I could change the past and make it perfect. I feel like I am attempting to paint a masterpiece of which I am so proud of and is so wonderful, but the ground work for it has been tarnished and what went before has destroyed the base that I now am working off. But in reality, ‘perfect’ is a fallacy, because, no canvas is ever bump free, and anyway, why would anyone want that? There would be nothing to catch the light!

I understand that there is nothing that anyone can tell me to make my past seem more perfect, because, in short there is no way for that to happen. Here is where the skill ‘RADICAL ACCEPTANCE’ can help, if I could only get my head around it.

The introduction of this skill was very turbulent in our group, with many willing to learn about it, but in practise not quite able to put the skill to use just yet. I personally can see the benefit of acceptance, but every time I try to apply it to my life I am met with a niggling voice, complaining that I shouldn’t sit back and accept all the injustice in my life, I should stand up and make noise about it! Give out, make a scene and don’t take it lying down!

So what is ‘RADICAL ACCEPTANCE’? It is an honest acknowledgment of what is going on inside you, and a courageous willingness to be with life in the present moment. You can accept an experience without liking it. In fact, let’s say you are feeling stuck in anxiety and disliking the feeling. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE includes accepting both the feelings of anxiety and the aversion to it. In fact, acceptance is not real and not healing unless it honestly includes all aspects of your experience.

The difficulty with ‘RADICAL ACCEPTANCE’ is that it requires patience and ability to be present with your own emotions. Both of which, for me, are very hard to learn also.

I find that at the moment, all I can do is be happy with what I am trying to achieve right now and be proud of every little achievement I accomplish that I wouldn't have been able to do skilfully before. All that matters, in reality is the here and now, you have to be here now in order to live now! The past is nothing that we can work with, and in a perfect world, nothing that we should concern ourselves with.

Things of the past have influenced me as a teen, a student, a daughter, a sister, a friend and now as a woman. The past most defiantly still influences me and the person I have become. Therefore I cannot simply put it out of my head and forget about it. It is part of me.

I also think that as I have gotten older, I have learnt the importance of reflection. Take for example, my situation with University; I often feel it unjust that my fellow classmates have all graduated and are now moving on to exciting careers and new stages in life. I have felt that that is where my life should be, that I am a failure for having to drop out two years ago when I became unwell. It reached the point that I could not be there as a friend for them and congratulate them on the amazing success of completing a degree in Occupational Therapy. I was green with spite and envy. I denied myself the opportunity to be happy with them in their success and lost some friendships in the process.

If I am to apply the skill of ‘RADICAL ACCEPTANCE’ to this situation, I must change my reality of the situation. Okay, I may have had to drop out, move home and be admitted to a mental hospital for five months. But I wouldn’t be getting the help I am now if it were not for that series of events. I would not be facing up to my problems in the hopes of someday living symptom free. That series of events HAS happened and cannot be changed, I CANNOT turn back time. All I can do is deal with events which crop up NOW, in this moment and plan to cope with those that may arise tomorrow. Notice how I am not saying it was fair that I have this mental illness, or that I like it (in fact, I hate it!) I am simply acknowledging that it is something that happened and that I can do nothing about other than work my hardest now so that it does not continue to affect my life in a negative way. It doesn’t mean that the feeling is “right” or “wrong.” Nor does it mean that I must be passive, and not take actions that might be helpful.  ‘RADICAL ACCEPTANCE refers to my relationship with the reality of “what is” in the present moment. By arriving honestly and with openness to this moment’s experience, I might just have a chance to create the possibility of then responding with wisdom and compassion. 

These big things in my past are my biggest barriers, my biggest burdens. But, it is more so my attitude towards these big things in my past that hinder my recovery.

Mindfulness In Action

'Serenity' 

Remember when you were a kid, and you got a new toy for Christmas or a birthday, and the whole world of time stopped while you played and became totally engrossed in the process of discovering how it worked and what you could do with it? Well, after my not-so-successful attempt to PARTICIPATE in a mindful eating exercise earlier today, I remembered how I used to get so involved in arts and crafts that time would slip away before I knew it. 

Until recently my ability to concentrate on a hobby or on anything much was zero-to-none. And while I was acutely unwell I simply just did not see the point in trying. But I slowly built up my tolerance and frustration since those lonely fives months in hospital and began to partake in activities which tested my concentration. Most notably reading and writing, but art is also one of them. 

I dislike doing things I am not very good at, and oftentimes I will not do something at all if it will only turn out mediocre. My judgments of myself get in the way. Therefore I was surprised to find out this evening, that I really enjoyed drawing this picture, so-much-so that I found myself lost in time for a little while. I was PARTICIPATING. I was so fully engaged in 'the flow' of drawing, that 20mins were happily spent mindfully attending to each stoke of the pencil on the smooth paper. I had to make a choice as to which color to use and where to put a mark on the page. 

For 20 mins I wasn't annoyed by unpleasant thoughts. Of worries about the future, or flashbacks from less happy times. I wasn't afraid of the food slowly digesting in my stomach or planning ways to rid my body of the calories. I was simply present in the moment, participating and acutely aware of how I was doing it.

'Participation' Is Torture

This week we have been set the goal of in incorporating the 'What' Skill (from the Mindfulness module) PARTICIPATION into our everyday lives. Thing is, with every good intention of being a diligent member of DBT group therapy, I made a plan. But annoyingly, I keep forgetting to fully participate in a task in order to be mindful to my experiences. 

"I used to think mindfulness is some form of passive observation… it is NOT passive.  In fact, mindfulness requires you to be both the participant and the observer simultaneously.  In this way, you are the observer of your experience at the same time as you are the experience itself.  As thoughts, feelings, and sensations naturally arise, they arise with the same vessel that observes them.Mindfulness is not a denial of your experience and a retreat into nothing but detached observation.  It is a type of open observation that is experiencing that which it is observing." Laura Schenck MA

Some skills from DBT are like little treats for the soul, while others are more akin to TORTURE! This is one of them. When you are fully awake to an experience you have actively spent a good proportion of your life trying to avoid, it is not a nice experience to then have to be aware of all the unpleasantness.

Does that make sense? I can't seem to explain what I mean in the way I want to. For example, a way I have tried to incorporate participation into my life this week, is to fully engage in eating. I really tried hard to experience every morsel of food. To taste the differences between sweet, bitter and salt. I noticed the variances in temperature and texture. Then I switched from external stimuli to the internal. To my thoughts, judgments and emotions.

Here is where the problem with this skill arose for me. No matter how hard I concentrated on noticing my thoughts, there was a strong resistance to participate in the task any longer. It was too hard to observe, then describe, then participate with eating when my head was screaming floods of guilt. 'Fat cow' 'You have no self control' 'You will be alone forever' 'This is what you deserve, fatness and unhappiness' .... 

This skill needs practice I think. And its not what I want to do. Its hard and annoying, but I guess if I was to pull from another skill, and weighed up the pros and cons, is it harder to live with an eating disorder or to just practice this skill?

Are Borderlines manipulative bitches, or just in need of validation?

As some readers of this blog may know, I am currently in therapy. More specifically, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I am almost four months into it now and have covered three of the four modules which are; mindfulness, emotion regulation and distress tolerance. We will be moving on to interpersonal effectiveness next week. Just in time for the silly season too! And thank goodness, because Christmas tests everyone's ability (not just the emotional unstable's) to relate effectively to others.

After a particularly bad week, regarding ability to think, behave and generally function at reasonable level, I plonked myself down in my individual therapist's chair, ready to blow off steam and I suppose, get some sympathy for my shit week. As always, I tentatively handed over the diary card (a tedious twice daily exercise with which I have a particularly Black/White relationship). I hate this part, detest it even.  I find it so cringe-worthy, and shameful letting someone else know my most private and secretive behaviors urges and actions.

Anyway, so what I wanted was someone to validate how shit I was doing. And don't get me wrong, my therapist obviously was paying attention during that part of training, because she is an expert at making me feel like I have a right to feel the way I do. Yet she also knows how to push the boat when it comes to pulling the dialectic of change just a tad too hard for for my liking.

She used the words 'you have the ability to evoke a nurturing response from people when you are upset'. Oh lordly, what a thing to say to a borderline. My head went into a spin of judgments about myself, about her... the running commentary was a bit like this; 'what does she mean evoke a response!' 'Does she think I am a needy bitch who wants attention all the time?' ' She thinks I am faking, doesn't she!' 'She must think I want to feel this shit so others feel sorry for me' 'How dare she!' 'She is sick of me' 'She is going to kick me out of therapy' 'She hates me' 'I hate her!'and so on and so forth!

Thing is... on reflection, she's right. I love to feel like someone cares about me, that someone thinks and feels for me. I find myself thinking does she think about me in-between sessions? Have I made an impact on someone? Will they remember me?

So I guess the point of this post is to reflect on the point she brought up about needing to feel cared for. Its something that I am now aware of that could be problematic for me. I rely on the feedback from others that I am deserving of nurture and care, but shouldn't I really be fostering that for myself, and convincing myself that I don't need external ques of love and affection to feel validated? The answer is clear. Yes. but how to go about doing it? I haven't the foggyist!

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Do parents shape your personality?

I have inherited some awesome qualities from my parents. I am smart, able to think for myself, be independent,  I am able to love and care for others and help others when they need it. My parents taught me a lot of lessons in life about loving myself, cherishing what I have and not wanting what I don't -- because then I would be missing out on the NOW. 

I would say that genetically I inherited a few bad temperaments. I hold onto my feelings rather than expressing them openly, like my parents. Addictive behaviors run in the family, BUT, I do not like to use that as an inherited trait because I am well-aware of this and I CHOOSE my behaviors. Therefore it's no fault of inheritance.

My father was an incredibly persistent man. If the wanted something, well, he'd get it some way or another. I know that I have that trait in myself, but I'm different, because I don't overstep the bounds of "acceptable" in order to get what I want. 

I never take "no" as an answer, from anyone. Until its physically impossible, I refuse to shut the door on the option.

I've inherited one hell of a temper... I'm pretty mellow and even-keeled... I'm more likely to raise an eyebrow than to raise a scene... But whenever I feel the need, I can totally let it all go, and I'm explosive, and I know I got that from my parents...

I think though... that my mellow temperament, is a result of my parents... there can be only so many people throwing flames all the time, and with "flame throwers" consisting of my father, Sister and Mother, I learned other ways to cope with being angry that didn't involve outward displays of fury.

Restless Night, Restless Mind.

The rain pouring so heavy tonight. At first I couldn't tell if it was raining in my head, or if it was real. I can hear the buzzing of the electrical items in the room. A little bit of light is creeping into my room through the window from a street light outside. As I wipe the tears from my eyes, I can see dancing shadows on the wall, I can still hear the rain and I want to know if it is real. I am tightly wrapped in blankets yet can't feel them on my skin. I slither up in my bed and peer out the window sill. There are beads of condensation along with drops of rain dripping down the dirty glass. Relief floods over me as now I know that it wasn't only raining in my head. The dancing shadows are the naked trees outside, fragilely blowing in the wind. I have never felt the need so bad to be outside in the rain. But I want to feel the rain pelt down on my skin, I need to feel something real, something that I can touch. I don't want to feel pain, I want to feel the cold November air. I want it to wash away the misery on my skin. I don't want anything but that rain. I sat there for hours watching the trees, watching the rain drops slam onto the outside layer of glass. I feel asleep on the window sill that night, when I awoke very early that morning, the rain had stopped, but I knew that it had not washed away my misery.

Emotional Pain

Some emotional pain will leave us with time. Some will leave if we decide to let it go. There are times, though, when we must live with emotional pain; either because we haven't had sufficient time to heal or because we are not able, willing, and/or ready to let it go.

There is fresh emotional pain, and there is the variety that lingers in varying degrees (sometimes in the form of emotional scarring but sometimes simply in the form of persistent inability to feel truly happy).

My approach to fresh emotional pain has always been to aim to take as much a break from it as possible. In other words, to give our mind a rest. One might ask how much help this apparent attempt to, at least temporarily, escape emotional pain might be. After all, after taking that "break" from it we always find it is still there.

Actually, however, "giving our minds a rest" from it (even for short periods of time, and even though it will remain) does help. When we are in pain we are essentially "operating under the influence" of a brain/body chemistry that, at best, makes us feel numb and, at worst, can have negative effects simply by virtue of our remaining in a "negative mode" for too long. No matter how awful our pain is, if there is some way to take that little break from it, it gives us a chance to at least some of the negative "chemicals" affecting us. Getting out and having a nice, pleasant, talk with a friend will change our chemistry, at least to some degree. So will having a good laugh. Even the smallest breaks away from thinking about the emotional pain can add up to more time spent each day, with at least a little more "positive" influence in terms of our chemistry. The more time positive time we're able to "patch together" for ourselves, the better (when it comes to giving our pained minds a little more chance to rest and heal). Even the most seemingly insignificant positive feelings/experiences can play a role in nurturing our "emotional energy" and contributing to the eventual re-building of a more normal level of it.

Based on my personal experience, I've found that when there have been those times when a lot of significant sadness takes place over a period of time, particularly when joyful (or even pleasant) experiences don't come anywhere near to matching the amount of sadness; it can feel as if our minds our filled with nothing but grayness. If we begin to have pleasant or happy experiences we may notice that they seem to "move in and displace (or at least "push to the back of our mind) some of the gray". If we don't find enough of those (even small) pleasant/happy experiences it can seem as if the gray feelings in our mind continue to dominate our thoughts/feelings, even if that grayness seems to grow stale and "harden". So, as with fresh emotional pain, the first step at feeling at least somewhat better when we have "older" emotional pain can be to seek out those pleasant, "emotional-energy-nurturing", experiences. This is, of course, not a quick way to feel completely better or to end all the emotional pain. 

The immediate, and small, help of finding a way to get our mind off the pain can offer that short-term, helpful, break from it. Without seeking out those small joys in life, however, just taking a break is not usually enough to facilitate any "healing".

Each individual has his own set of things that contribute to that feeling of having one's "soul nurtured". For many it is a certain kind of music. Fresh air, pleasant social experiences, aroma therapy, exercise, or any number of other things in life can contribute to a sense of feeling a little better in spite of it all.

Such an approach to emotional pain can seem absurdly over-simplified, and it's important to point out that such an approach is not, by any means, a magic cure. People who feel their emotional pain is simply too much to deal with often benefit from seeking professional help, although we live in a time when professional help is often a matter of prescribing anti-depressants. I, personally, have known several people who sought professional help and tried medications for a while, only to discover they didn't seem to help.

Sometimes, "un-magic" and slow as it is, learning to find those things that help us find some small, pleasant, experiences/thoughts helps us to develop better coping skills; and, when all is said and done, developing good coping skills is sometimes the thing that makes the difference between emotional pain that is awful and emotional pain that is just unbearable.