I really just need to get the jumbled mess of craziness out of my head. I feel like I am simply existing, not for myself, not for any purpose but simply roller-coasting through life. I feel so empty and scared. Of what? I have no clue. I am just afraid of life in general.
The fear really started after SKILLS GROUP on Tuesday. We are still (read my frustration) doing EMOTION REGULATION. And this week the group focused on CREATING A LIFE WORTH LIVING. The exercise we were doing is about LONG TERM ACCUMULATING POSITIVE EXPERIENCES. I guess I find it hard to see the point in building a positive life when I have very little hope of ever achieving said life. Its like I am doing it for someone else and not myself, hence why I feel like I am just enduring this prevailing hopelessness. It makes ending my life seem like a really god option right now.
The specific exercise I am talking about which scared me out of my semi functioning state is IDENTIFYING PERSONAL VALUES AND GOALS. I was presented with a horribly long list of equally vague and ambiguous list of values from which to choose from. It was hugely overwhelming. I stared at it for far too long. Which in its self made me uneasy. I mean, who doesn't know what their own personal values are? It compounded my feeling of inundated failure.
After ALLOT of pondering, head scratching, and a whole individual session given over to this exercise, I still had a horrible lump of fear in my throat. I am still so afraid that I have no values. Surely I need to know these. Will they become more apparent as time goes on? How do I know?
Needless to say I had to switch to DISTRESS TOLERANCE MODE all this week, namely the CONTRIBUTE part of ACCEPTs. I have been spending time getting to know my wee cousins again. Its keeping me out of trouble. Stopping me from ending this void and valueless life of mine.
Has anyone else had this experience? How did they get through the emptiness it brings up?
I am struggling with this, have been struggling with this for many years. What I value and hold as important beliefs seems to float and change and be as variable as the the numbers drawn for the lottery. I find myself echoing whoever I am around, looking to them for leads.
ReplyDeleteIt is a very scary existence. I have no value of my own, so am I my own person?
Let us now how you get on - I hope you are successful in the end.
As a 43-year-old, I can tell you that my personal values have fluctuated from year to year, decade to decade. It is part of our very nature to change. We are always growing.. having new internal and external experiences. I would worry if you could put your finger on a list of 5 values and hold firm to them. It's okay to be searching for values. It's okay to be influenced by the values of others as you discover who you are and what is most important to you. Sitting with the mysteries of life, sitting with the undefined and vague areas of our lives is an important skill. Just recognizing and acknowledging your uneasiness with this exercise is incredibly insightful and skillful.
ReplyDeleteValues are not something to identify during an exercise and build your life around. Values are the organic comings and goings of your internal growth as you experience life.
It is only now, at my age, that I can even identify two strong convictions or values, the guiding principles of my life. I have confidence that you will make it through this struggle. Don't force it. You will know when it has happened.