Focused blindness

This weekend is lasting much longer than I have ever experienced time before. Its almost as if time is not real for me. As if I am watching my life from afar in slow motion. Yet the slowness is refreshing, I am learning so much about my fucked up and naive mind.

I find myself looking back at my life with retrospect, and wondering if I have made my life so unbearable by my thoughts and judgments then surely I can also make them stop, right? Now, just to figure out how to do that....

I am deeply ashamed that I have been such a bitch to my mother, she is the only person who truly loves me unconditionally and all I do is push her away. There only way I can describe it is to explain how I hate wearing glasses. I am totally blind, as in I can't even see the number on the bus 5 meters away and have to ask the other people at the stop what it is. And when there is nobody there I wave my arm out praying that I get lucky. So why don't I wear them? Well I hate the clarity that they give me. I can't stand to see others faces and eyes peering at me. I can see the dirt and grit on the windows and all the flaws in the world. I hate it. No, I much rather the safe haze of partial blindness with no sharpness or scary lines.

My mother in my life is like wearing super strength glasses. She forces me to see the dirt and grubby stains in my life without offering me the choice to have an intermission and take them off for a while. She makes them be super-glued to my face. Permanently. While my father and  my therapist offer the safety of the blur and let me keep them off for as long as I want, even though it is only making my eyesight worse in the end. I control the focus with them. 

Yet I know that how hard my mother pushes me is only for the best. And that how hard I push her away is only making me worse.