New Year, Not So New Me

I know, it's been far too long since my last post to even attempt to give an excuse. So rather than say "I've been too busy enjoying my recovery from emotional sensitivity" which to be honest, I wish were the truth, I'll try to explain whats been going on. I haven't posted because I wanted to leave BPD, EUPD, CBT, DBT and anything to do with my 'old self' as far in the past as I could. I threw the baby out with the bathwater insofar as my life seemed to be going OK, so I foolishly thought: "I don't need to look after my emotional sensitivity anymore". But recovery for an emotional sensitive person is not the same as recovery from a broken bone. You cannot only do the prescribed therapy for a few months after the event. You must learn the treatment, remember it, and continue to practise it as a preventative measure against future injuries. 

Christmas and New year have come and the festivities have died down. I'm left wondering why I feel so emotionally delicate. I mean, I had an uneventful Christmas, almost enjoyable actually. It was quiet and there was little to report. 

Perhaps it's the last 8 months finally weighing down on me. I can't shake the crushing feeling of being a total failure. I'm also currently therapist-less, which I find scary. Really scary. I have completed year one of four of an undergraduate Midwifery degree programme in my dream university. My dream course which will lead to my dream job and to my dream life. Seemingly.

But I'm not living the dream. Im on a year out, working 50+ hours a week for just over minimum wage to pay back crazy university fees that I wasn't expecting. Yet I haven't begun to pay my fees back yet because I'm bang in the middle of a emotional meltdown which sees me self destructing using old coping habits I thought I had left in my past.

So seeing as its a 'New Year, New Me' kinda time of year, Ive come back here to this blog, to where I found peace and recovery before, in hopes I may find it again.

Princess Diana: An inspiration.

I consider Princess Diana one of my herons/inspirations. She was worshiped by so many people all her life. In her lifetime she accomplished many great things. She worked on numerous charity projects; she also was one of the most the most photographed people during her lifetime. Diana Spencer was born on July, 1 1961; the youngest daughter of Edward Spencer. She married HRH Prince Charles in 1981, and got divorced in 1996. During her lifetime, she had two children, Prince William and Prince Henry.

She worked tirelessly on helping and trying to improve the life's of others, even though her own short life was tainted with pain and suffering. It was suspected that she also suffered from an emotional vulnerability (BPD). 

Her parents divorced when she was young like mine did. The effects of Diana's parents' divorce were certainly traumatic and led to lifelong problems with issues of abandonment, anxiety, and insecurity. Diana often wept before and after public engagements due to both her own high expectations for herself and the public's expectations of her. She was prone to mood swings, bulimia, self-mutilation, lying, and inattention, again just like me. Of course, I dont live in a palace and wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but none the less I can really identify with her. 

She was so so beautiful. My mother got married around the same time as her and the resemblance of my mother to Diana was truely remarkable. My parents wedding photos were discared when they divorced, but I managed to beg for few to be saved. I love looking at my mum when she was 23. She was radiant. It helps me to forget all the bad memories I have of her abusive behaviour towards me as an innocent child. 

Looking at that picture I can be non judgemental towards her. She had a tremendously difficult life. She fell pregnant at 18, an abomination for a upperclass, Irish catholic girl.  She was kicked out of her comfortable house and forced into a home for unmarried mothers. Her whole life was uprooted overnight, no support, total abandonment. 

Only if she married my father, her teenage boyfriend, could she be accepted back into her family and have the financial support she so desperately needed. 

She married for necessity not for love. It was bound to end badly. Yet she tried so hard to make it work. Despite poverty, abuse and an undiagnosed mental illness (I think) she thought another baby (me) might save the marriage. But the extra strain of another baby was too difficult to handle. A separation happened before my 3rd birthday. My father was absent physically as he was often abroad working (and having affairs seemingly) and my mother was absent emotionally. 

Reading about Diana's life reminds me so very much of the pain my mother went through. And looking at pictures of Diana compounds how string both women were. 

Doing not so 'well'

This my first time posting from my iPhone, so here's hoping it actually works. 

From the outside, I must seem to be doing 'well'. I'm eating 'well', I'm sleeping  'well', I'm behaving 'well', my relationship with my boyfriend is going 'well'. But inside I don't feel quite so 'well' at all.

I've been avoiding things, really important things. I blew off an appointment with my therapist last week and still haven't gotten in touch with her. I know how rude it is, but I don't know how to tell her I have no excuse as to why I didn't turn up. I honestly don't know why I decided not to turn up. I want to make up some big elaborate excuse to hide my shame, but that will only make me feel worse. I will go with my tail between my legs and be honest to her. 

I have been avoiding opening letters too. I have a big phone bill I can't afford to pay and I know it's only going to get worse, logically I understand that avoiding contacting the company will only intensify the problem and heighten my fear. I am a reasonable person. Normally. I have kept all this from my family and boyfriend. They think I am doing really 'well'. 

I even went away to the west of Ireland last week. And put on a brave face and let everyone think I had a great time. 

I DID actually briefly enjoy myself towards the end of the trip though. We took a boat out to see the rugged coastline. The scenery was fantastic, beautifully calming. The majestic cliffs were heart-soothing and the salty fresh air woke my awareness back up. The sunsets reminded me how powerful Mother Nature is to renewing the soul. 

So although things are not so 'well' inside my mind, being MINDFUL to my surroundings helped DISTRACT, renew, SOOTHE, and ACCEPT things as they are. And that's about all I can manage for  now. 

DBT For Managing Pain

I have been dealing with severe pain in my leg for about two months now. I had a clot in my right leg which has thankfully resolved itself but the pain is still there if I walk for more than 15 mins at a time. I also get horrible PMT pain around my time of the month. Pain management can be a tricky business, drugs are great in the short term, but not a viable long term solution (the side effects are icky) so I have had to find alternate ways to deal with the pain. Mindfulness has had great success with pain management, so when I read the studies (which claim that mindfulness actually changes the way the mind perceives pain so that it’s more bearable), I thought 'If mindfulness is good for pain, and DBT is based on mindfulness... then why not try using the skills for my pain!'

Living with pain is not only a physical strain—be it merely uncomfortable to outright debilitating – but is also an emotional strain as well. Throw in an emotional vulnerability and you get a bubbling, hot pot of dysregulation spitting and spewing over into our relationships and lives. Feelings of frustration, anger, depression or even despair can deeply impact my quality of life maybe even more so than someone without an emotion dysregulation disorder.

Okay.. enough waffle... let me get straight to the point. Here is how I use the skills to manage my pain.

1. OBSERVE

The idea of being mindful of pain and observing it as it is may seem counter-intuitive. Most people want to forget about their pain, I know I do. I want to escape it, run away from it, I wish I could ignore it or get rid of it somehow. My mind typically launches into a litany of judgements and negative thoughts. I start ruminating about how much I hate the pain and want to wish it away. Then I judge the pain, and that only makes it worse. My negative thoughts and judgements not only exacerbate the pain, they also fuel anxiety and depression. The problem is, ironically, that by fighting and struggling against it, and even by trying to ignore it, I create within myself a state of ‘resistance to what is’ and that means stress, and ultimately more suffering.

The mindfulness skill of OBSERVE teaches us to have a 'Teflon mind'. Don't let your thoughts or experiences 'stick' in your mind. Take a step back and look at the situation with fresh eyes. The ability to step back from what is happening in the moment creates a psychological space. This separation allows you to not get caught in or react to your experience. Without the psychological space, your reactions are automatic. Shame, guilt, anxiety, and depression often collapse your ability to create psychological space and cause automatic reactions (acting the way you feel). Experiencing the moment without getting caught or reacting is a way to extinguish automatic responses. Psychological space creates room for mental flexibility and freedom of choice.

2. Being EFFECTIVE

Sometimes if I spend time simply observing and giving the pain my awareness, just doing that can bring the intensity of it down to a manageable level, if not, it prompts me to stop what I am doing long enough to realise I need to change something. 

For example; I was going to catch a bus yesterday. The stop is about a five minute walk away. I was nearly at the bus stop when I saw a bus coming. I started to jog so I wouldn't miss it, but was instantly hit with a siring pain in my leg. Rather than push through the pain and ignore it, I stopped, OBSERVED it and realised that the most EFFECTIVE thing to do was walk slowly, let the bus go and wait for the next one. There was no use in damaging my leg further for the sake of waiting 10 mins for another bus.

Another example is cancelling plans and getting extra rest, your friends and family will understand, and going out out despite the pain is only going to hinder your recovery and create extra suffering. Your pain might decrease your ability to be interpersonally effective and could lead to bickering or you saying something you might regret. 

Sometimes being EFFECTIVE is as simple as recognising that the pain is more than you can handle and getting help from a health professional. In these cases the next skill can be really helpful.

3. SELF SOOTHE 

One of favourite things to do, especially when dealing with bad pain days is to SELF SOOTHE. It's great for when I am feeling down and need a pick me up. But the thing is, when I am feeling down, or low is not the time I tend to think to myself, “you know what would really make me feel better? Painting my nails, or calling a friend". So, for this reason, the real key to this skill is to have a SELF SOOTHING kit pre-made for those particularly hard days.

I have written as post about different SELF SOOTHING ideas, so check out the link below, make your kit and then let me know how you got on. I adore hearing about others experiences and ideas.

SELF SOOTHING ideas

Stay mindful. xxx

DBT Skills for Romantic Relationships

For a very long time I thought I wouldn't ever be able to be part of a healthy romantic relationship. It's often seen a huge trigger for those of us with an emotional vulnerability, and it very often can be. But I soon learnt that having a mental illness does not have to be a reason to avoid being in a relationship. A mental illness may cause more stress and require more work, but having a successful relationship is not impossible. There are few things I had to really work on so my current relationship (of over a year!) could work.

Before I could be in a relationship and worry about another person, I had to prioritize my own health. My current boyfriend actually asked me out a year before we officially started dating, but I was still in DBT and quite unwell. So I decided to wait until I was finished formal therapy and had learnt the DBT skills to help me manage my emotions before I agreed to be in a relationship with him. Luckily he was still around when I finally was in the right place. I'm only going to mention a few DBT skills here to demonstrate how I manage my emotions in relation to how we make things work in our relationship, but there are lots and lots more!

Number 1. PLEASE

Staying on top of any medication I've been prescribed and taking care of my physical health -- exercising, eating well and avoiding alcohol or drugs, is the best thing I can do to regulate my emotions; and therefore the best thing I can do for our relationship. Avoiding alcohol has been a great way of staying present in stressful situations like nights out or large gatherings, where I have had emotional outbursts in the past due to feeling out of control, leading to arguments and behaviours I am not proud of.

Sleep is a difficult one as it can be difficult to get quality sleep for me at the best of times and when he stays over it's even more challenging. I only have a small bed so we inevitably end up elbowing each other in face! If we were to move in with each other, a big bed would be a must!

Number 2. NON JUDGEMENTALLY

Staying non judgemental is *sooooo* important to keeping our relationship healthy. Being non judgemental helps to get my point across in an effective manner without adding a judgement that my partner might disagree with. When I practice this skill, I can look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation which allows me to respond to them effectively and not lash out in an emotional way.

Believe me, there are plenty of times I am still judgemental. It's a constant effort. We all live with preconceived notions of what's right and wrong, and the minute someone or something doesn't fit our bill of perfection we become judgemental and that affects the way we say things and the things we do.

I practice non-judgementally by OBSERVING my thought patterns. Like all of DBT, this skill requires a few others to make it really work. This might seem hard to do at first, but once you get used to catching your thoughts in ‘judgemental mode’ you can then start to stop them.

I try to develop an understanding of my partner by thinking about why he acts, talks, dresses or just is a certain way. I put myself in his shoes and wonder why his behaviour has emerged. If I want further understanding, I strike a polite (I emphasize polite) conversation using the skills GIVE or DEARMAN.

Once an understanding has been created in my mind of my partners action, acceptance of him just as he is becomes easier. I can accept that this is the way he will react, cause its the way he is made up. There will most certainly always be things we don't agree with, but that doesn't mean I cant accept his presence in the world. When you accept, frustration that leads to judgement takes an automatic back-seat.

On a final note, relationships are hard! They are difficult whether you have an emotional vulnerability or not and require lots of hard work to make them last, and there are so many more things that we need to work on in our relationship, but I have to say that, it's so worth it and really contributes to my life worth living!

Increasing Positive Experiences

Things are most certainly looking up. Whether it's due to some shift in the universe where by it's finally my turn for which nice things are to happen to me, or whether it's down to the increased motivation this recent elevation in mood has brought and therefore a self stimulation of sort of pleasant experiences. Either way, its quite lovely having the positive emotions to balance out not so lovely ones on the 'feelings' scales. I guess the more aware you are of the nice things in your life then the more positivity you attract. Also, on the other hand, I have too experienced the flip side of this with avoidance and negativity. As much as a depression can be a downward spiral into despair and hopelessness, I feel being aware of more positive feelings and emotions breeds more happiness in my life and thoughts.

I got a really big phone bill last month, and needed to try find a way to pay it off. So I signed up to a child-minding/nanny agency in the hopes of finding a small job. Although I still haven't found a job which will pay off the bill...... I WAS offered a six week Au Pair position in the south of Spain for this coming summer!

I am so excited and happy with the job. The family seem to be really nice and, as far as one can tell from a wee, short skype call, I think I can safely say I will settle into the family unit well. I lived in Spain as a child, and can speak Spanish quite well, although it is a bit rusty! I am familiar with the culture and the way of life too from living there. So I really feel I will get on well .

Next thing is a bit abstract, I'm pretty sure it may just be a 'borderline' thing. For the last three and a bit years, ever since I was first admitted to inpatient actually and experienced that intense fuzzy feeling of 'being cared for', and having my family be worried about me, telling me they love me, dropping everything in a heartbeat to be by my side... the feeling of people caring if I lived or died, has consumed me. I kept trying to chase that feeling again, but, like a class 'A' drug, it has been harder and harder to find the same initial hit . Like a classic addict, I would do anything to get the attention I wanted, saying I was sicker than I was, that I was doing worse than I may have been. I didn't comply to treatment plans, I lied to my team..... Then I actually DID get sicker, but by then I had exhausted my family's ability to care for me. 

I guess what I am getting at is that although the urge to want to be cared for is still there, I feel like I don't need to chase the feeling with so much fervour at the moment. It's incredibly liberating to be freed from the shackles of relying on others for the validation that... I matter... that I am worth something. I sort of feel that I am just fine on my own right now and it's really nice. Every so often I catch myself thinking up ways to end my life, but rather than spending hours planning it to the minute detail, like I have done many times before, I can come up with a list of reasons not to go through with it. I push the thoughts aside and simply get on with life. I see the destructive thoughts like a side effect of my emotional sensitivity, a residue that might always be there, but doesn't have to be the main focus.

Self-validation is wonderful. It's allowed me to feel like I am worth it. like the ad says! I went and got my hair done today, not because I needed to, but just because I wanted to. I bought a lovely pair of shoes, and I spent a few hours at a coffee shop, relaxing and being kind to myself. I am eating better and not mindlessly binging (as much), I have had a few incidents where I have over eaten, but I made a conscience decision to and didn't have any urge to get rid of it after.

This all comes under the EMOTION REGULATION skill of BUILDING POSITIVE EMOTIONS. I should actually pull out the list of 176 pleasurable activities and have a gander at it.

Hope you are keeping well dear friends.

Stay mindful. xxx

A difficult conversation

There is a difficult conversation I have needed to have with my Step-Mother for the last three and a half years. It relates to her backwards notion of mental illness and childcare.

When my Step-mother was pregnant with my baby brother (who is now 3 and a half years old) she said that I would not be allowed to be left alone with him or look after him. I was inpatient in hospital at the time after two attempted suicides. It upset me that, because of a mental illness, she saw me unfit to take care of my little brother, especially as I love children, have worked in a crèche and have been police vetted on numerous occasions for my Occupational Therapy and Applied Psychology courses. Even though she hurt me with her comments, I tried to understand where she was coming from. She was pregnant and full of hormones, It was a very long pregnancy in the making as my father and her had been trying for over ten years to have a baby. My suicide attempt came seemingly out of nowhere. I became very unwell, very quickly and she had no experience of mental illness before. I believe it was her ignorance that made her say nasty things about my mental health issues.When we don't understand things we make rude and presumptuous comments maybe unwittingly. 

I figured that , if I showed them how much I love my little brother and that I could be responsible in other areas of my life, such as living independently, paying my bills on time and child-minding for others, then I would gain back their trust and eventually be allowed to mind my brother. But, unfortunately that has not been the case. Still to this day I have not spent a moment of time with my brother without the constant presence of another person. I feel this is damaging our relationship. There is so much I wish I could do with him that I can't, because of the restrictions she has put on me.

This issue has been a major source of pain and suffering for me over the past few years. Yet I have never felt strong enough to bring it up with my step-Mother. I realize now, that there may never be a time where I feel comfortable to have that conversation with her, it's never going to easy for me, but it is important to me, so it may be something I am just going to have to do if I want to continue contributing to a life worth living. 

I guess the reason it has upset me so much is because I KNOW how great I am with children. I would never put a child in harms way. If I felt unable to look after a child, I would be the first one to say so.  I have spent more time than most people of the general population learning what triggers a bout of emotional vulnerability for me. I have a great amount of supports and tools available to me to help me cope with stressful situations and I am mindful that I do not become overwhelmed rather than just motoring on through.

Mental illness does not make me unemployable, otherwise, a much larger population of the world would be unemployed. Mental illness does not make me stupid either. Typically, those who are symptomatic or chronic to the point where they are unable to care for children, generally understand the fact and don't tend to enter the field. Mental illness is everywhere, whether you know or see it or not. Its there. People of all responsibilities, jobs, Etc. live with, cope with and manage to live healthy productive lives. 

I wonder if many parents would/wouldn't leave their child in the care of someone with a known psychiatric disability or disorder. There are lots of different types of childcare out there, and obviously stay at home parents, but it's hard to imagine that within the numerous kinds of day care, kindergarten, nursery staff and nannies, there isn't a single one with some form of mental health history or current problem. Should every parent be informed if a crèche worker or support staff member has clinical, medical or just Time of the Month issues?

What are your thoughts on this issue?

Healthy Body, Healthy Mind. Week 3

Wow what a mixed bag this week has been in terms of emotions. There have been some great personal achievements and some difficult moments. The roller-coaster of emotions has been difficult and downright exhausting at times. This lead to huge urges to binge and revert back to that safe coping mechanism which has served me so well in the past. 

I found this weeks mindfulness group really triggering. Others in the group disclosed personal difficulties which I couldn't help but get overly emotional about. It's like I suck up the ambient emotions around me and add them to my already overflowing sensitivity. As if I'm a magnet for others pain. I also didn't complete the homework which triggered guilt, a very difficult emotion for me.

While I was paying attention to the other peoples problems in the group I really wasn't being mindful to my own escalating emotional state. We did a gratitude exercise where each of us listed the things we were most grateful for in the present moment. Some mentioned their houses and family, and rather than being happy about what I do have, all I could do was focus on how jealous I was that I don't have those things. I kept homing in on the things others had that I wanted too.

I see now, in retrospect that I really wasn't using the  DBT skill PARTICIPATE, which is vital when practising mindfulness. It is a 'WHAT' skill which allows you to benefit wholly from the experience and enter into your experiences whole-heartedly. When you participate you let yourself get involved in the moment, letting go of ruminating and self-consciousness. 

Participating is entering wholly into an activity, becoming one with the activity. It is throwing yourself into something completely. It is spontaneous behaviour to a certain extent, although you can also do it mindfully. (dbtselfhelp.com)

This lack of mindfulnesses led to me clinging on to my emotions and carrying them around for the rest of the day. It tainted everything I did that day. I was short and gruff with people who did not deserve that and I was mean and harsh towards myself in my thoughts and behaviours.

I cooked a chicken and broccoli bake that night with the intention of cooking enough for leftovers for the following day, but I let my emotions take control and ended up eating twice as much as I needed. I gorged myself, making myself feel ill as if I was punishing myself. I didn't even enjoy it at all and on top of that didn't have any left overs.

At weigh in today I was expecting a gain. I even cheated by taking my jumper off and wearing really light shoes in the hopes I would at least stay the same. So I was really pleasantly surprised when the scales showed a two pound loss. 

In reflection, it hadn't been that bad a week (except for Tuesday). I had cooked really well all week, had upped my protein intake, had stayed clear of alcohol, only had one takeaway and began walking more in an attempt to prepare myself for an increase in activity. Those are all huge achievements for me. A mere three weeks ago I wasn't doing any of that, eating numerous takeaways a week and  not at all aware of my daily food intake.

I'm in my third week now and am 3.5lbs down, but its not just the number on the scale I am happy about. My energy levels are up and I'm sleeping better. My binges are less and hence I don't feel so bloated. My digestive health has improved drastically too! No more tummy cramps and bunged up sensations (Sorry for the TMI!) I haven't noticed a major difference in my clothes yet, but the reduction in bloating is helping my day to day comfort.

This week in my Weight Watchers meeting the talk topic was 'Exercise and how it affects mood'. I totally agree with this but rarely find the motivation to go get active, yet I KNOW that when I do I ALWAYS feel good after. This is part of the EMOTION REGULATION module in DBT. PLEASE is so important for keeping my emotions in check and exercise is the one particular part I have been neglecting. We talked about finding an activity that we find enjoyable and fun. Those of you who have been here a while know that I used to be an avid dancer, so my mind went straight back to the fun I had in a dance class. Ballet isn't really an option for me right now, but I have tried Zumba before and therefore I made a commitment to my WW leader to go back to it. 

The Gods must be looking after me, money is really really tight and the €10 cost of weekly Weight Watcher meetings is about all I can afford right now on top of the expensive healthy food I'm buying and my rent each week. I can't afford a gym membership or expensive exercise classes. Luckily, I found an online coupon for 6 Zumba classes for €17! And its in the city centre and on my bus route. It's perfect, and I couldn't be happier with such a great deal! I'm starting next Monday evening. Can't wait to tell you how it goes.

Here's this weeks chart, hopefully the green line will keep inching towards my goal weight!

Stay Mindful. xxx

Healthy Weight Loss After an Eating Disorder - Week Two

I was dreading today. I mean what a bloody embarrassment it would have been if I didn't lose anything in my first week, the seemingly easiest week to lose weight according to the literature. It was small but at least it was a loss! Yippee! 

I had a wobbly week regarding sticking to the programme. I had two major slip ups where I binged. The first was after a night out last Saturday, the second, I'll get to.... I had a fair few tipples on Saturday and soon lost track of how many points I had consumed, actually I stopped even caring about my weight loss plan. I have the best boyfriend ever, as he picked me up from town in the wee hours and 'saved' me from that late night chipper. but as soon as I got home, I actually remember thinking 'Feck it' I'll be good tomorrow, which is saying something... because I remember very little else.

I stumbled into the house and into the kitchen and all of a sudden I was ravenous! I tore open the fridge and turned my nose up at the glossy green apples and colourful selection of veggies I had stocked it with earlier that day. No way was that going to satisfy the roaring hungry lion in my tummy. Within minutes I had the laptop out and I had ordered a pizza from Domino's. Damn the convenience of late night delivery!!!

Despite that set back, I picked up the broken pieces of my programme and tried to glue them back together. I got back to tracking and working out my points, home cooked hearthy, filling and healthy beef meatballs (needed the iron) packed full of zero point veggies and a small portion of wholegrain pasta. Total of 12 points for great sized yummy dinner, and there was enough left over to freeze a portion too.

Great, I am feeling wonderful and it's now bank holiday Monday.... I go to a spinning class and get my weekly dose of torture.. those seats are so painful! Then me and my better half went to my family home where my Mum cooked a beautiful roast chicken and ham dinner with all the works! yum! Points were through the roof... but kept within my 31 daily points and snacked on zero point food for the rest of the day.

I re-started the mindfulness class on Tuesday and have sort of mixed feelings about it. I came home and binged again on pizza after, and it took me a few days to reflect upon why it happened. It was differently emotional eating in response to the new group.

It's very different to the Mindfulness-Based Stressed Reduction group I did last year. It's easier to fit in and actually do the practises as the tracks are only 8 - 15 mins long! No more 45 mins mega sessions. Yay! This course is based on Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT).  MBCT has been clinically proven to be at least as effective as drugs for depression and it is recommended by the UK's National Institute of Clinical Excellence - in other words, it works. More importantly it also works for people who are not depressed but who are struggling to keep up with the constant demands of the modern world. This programme focuses on promoting joy and peace rather than banishing unhappiness. It's precisely focused to help ordinary people boost their happiness and confidence levels whilst also reducing anxiety, stress and irritability. All sounds good so far.

This new style of mindfulness suits me to the ground as I am an expert in postponing my practice and in finding reasons why it doesn't matter if I don't practice each day. In addition, sometimes I am afraid to meditate. I'm scared of what I might feel if I am are not busy distracting myself. I'm fearful of being bored or of feeling intense emotions. Looking back to when I first started mindfulness I remember not being ready yet to experience the intense fear or memories of abuse by myself, alone in my own head. I feared that if I meditated, or let go of my usual strategies of numbing or being mindless, I would feel overwhelmed by the intensity of those memories or emotions.

I remember having "an epiphany", I was just so unused to being in the present moment that that was what was making me anxious. This isn't uncommon seemingly - especially for people with anxiety disorders, who frequently live in the future rather than the present. I was not used to looking at what's happening in this moment, never mind trying to bring acceptance to it! So I came home and ate, ate, ate to numb all those emotions that I being trying so hard to escape from.

What I learnt back then and consequently forgot in the last few months is that often what we find in the present is scary, and that's one reason we've been living in the past or the future. In reflection, I learnt or should I say I re-learnt a very valuable lesson this week: negative emotions are shit, really shit, but running away from them just makes you eat more pizza, put on weight and make said emotions even worse.

Anyway here's a shiny new graph charting my loss this week.

Stay mindful friends

Healthy Weight Loss After an Eating Disorder.

****TRIGGER WARNING**** Weight, BMI and ED behaviours mentioned.

As some of you may know, I have been purge free for the last year now (can I get a whoop whoop!) which is a HUGE personal achievement after years of bulimia ruling my every waking hour. The only thing is, I unfortunately am still not 100% ED behaviour free. I am still over eating and sometime binging, although nowhere near as frequently as before now I don't have a 'release', a way to 'get rid' of that post binge, horrible full feeling. None-the-less all that chomping on cream cakes and late night pizza parties have taken a toll on my body, my health and on my emotional well-being.

I knew my clothes size had gone up but I had gotten used to it going up after re-feeding. So I was NOT prepared to be told my BMI was in the overweight section during a recent Dr visit. I was shocked. She recommended cutting back on the sweet stuff and taking up exercise. 

In the last two years I have gone from being under weight for my height; bringing with it all the negative health risks that go along with that, to being over weight for my height, which has brought about some unexpected twists to my long list of maladies. My blood pressure is now high for the first time ever, I have nasty stretch marks on my legs and boobs. My iron levels are all over the place and cant make it up a flight of stairs without feeling like my heart is going to explode. 

Now I must say that I am not obese or anywhere near that category on the BMI scale (not a reliable scale I know, but I use it from time to time) I am just tipping into the overweight category. I'm super tall (5''11) so I tend to carry weight easily without knowing it, especially if I am not weighing myself, which I haven't as it used to be a major trigger in the past.

My Dr and I came up with a plan. Go to weekly weight watcher meetings, do one fitness class a week and get back running twice a week also. And also check in with her monthly to discuss any returning ED thoughts or behaviours. She also singed me up to an 8 week mindfulness programme to re-assert myself with awareness skills which will allow me to notice any negative thoughts creeping back in. A solid plan I think. My team believe in letting me make my own choices, including how I life my life. I love how they don't coddle me or insult my intelligence. I told them that I felt I could trust myself not to take the weight loss to the extreme and they agreed with me.

So I joined my local weight watchers last Thursday and found it really motivating. I've been cooking healthy home-made meals everyday from scratch, taking into account all the food groups and incorporating knowledge I learned from nutrition sessions over the years. Nothing is off limits, just eating in moderation. My goal weight gets me down into low end of the healthy weight BMI section. 

I'm back to tracking my daily food intake and now add values to everything I eat in the form of weight watcher pro points. The Weight Watchers program is based on a points system. Food items are assigned a point value, and based on your current weight you are given a daily allowance of points to consume. Weight Watchers also encourages a continuing education in nutrition through weekly meetings, which also offer support and accountability. The Weight Watchers program encourages slow and steady weight loss, but like any diet plan it has its dangers....

The main concept in the Weight Watchers diet is portion control and limiting the daily intake of calories. Each food item is given a point value based on the number of calories, fat and fiber it contains. Many vegetables have no points while a piece of pizza will have five or more, depending on the size and toppings. The problem with this system is that it recognizes points instead of the quality of those points. Two points is two points whether is a cookie or a small serving of low-fat cottage cheese with pineapple. The latter is the healthier choice, but the system sees them as equal. It is up to the individual to make healthy choices.

I have some peeves with adding these values to foods but I think I will do a different Blog entry on that though ... I can ramble a bit if you don't know!

Okay, so in the interest of accountability I am going to do a weekly weigh in on here to chart my weight loss. I do like a chart, I'm a numbers geek and proud of it. So here is week one.

I would really love to hear your thoughts on whether weight loss can be achieved in a healthy way when there is a history ED and disordered eating.

Stay mindful xxx